My mother hates me

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I don’t know why, but for some reason my mother seems to hate me.

She yells at me a lot, and for no reason. And she also always complains at me, I don't think she has ever complimented me for anything.

I'm not sure when this started, but I think it was when I turned 13. I did not start to lose my temper as a teenager, it was the opposite. As a child, from the time I started school to about seventh grade I did get angry very easily. But when I was I think 13 or 14 my bad temper disappeared. I rarely get very angry nowadays.

But somehow, being a teenager equals being a difficult kid, and anything I did was a sign of that. She always gets really angry at me when I don’t like the dinner she’s made. I don’t ever complain about it, but she already knows what food I dislike, so I don’t have to say it. I’m wearing the wrong face or something. I don’t understand what she means at all. I’m pretty sure my face is always the same. At least it doesn’t feel like it changes to me. If anything, I’m always wearing the wrong expression, and she just notices it when she thinks I have something to complain about.

She get very angry at other things as well. Like when I dropped some towels on the floor and didn’t notice, she was convinced I did it to anger her. There are many things like that.

She yells so loud it makes my ears hurt, so I cover them, but that makes here angry at me for not listening to her. Despite the fact that I tell her I can still hear her shouting, and covering my ears is only to protect them from physical pain. And if I try to go away that makes her mad too.

I try my best not to lose my temper. I try to talk and reason with her but even that will offend her.

She is also mad at me for not being social (and for my lack of social skills). And she’s angry because I avoid being with her, or that I always prefer to be alone than being together with them.

There are many other things she gets angry about as well, most of them which I can’t remember because of how random they seem to me. She would probably hit me too, if that wasn’t illegal. Actually I wish she would, because then I could report her. But what she do now feels almost as bad, but sadly it’s completely legal.

I’ve tried talking to her about it, but she just thinks I’m insulting her, and she refuses to talk about it

It’s always like this, and I can't take it. But I don’t know what to do about it.

Yeah i get EXACTLY the same treatment from my mother. She thinks that everything i say is just another complaint. If it's not that then she thinks i'm being demanding. I'm just trying to express myself in the only way i know how and it just rubs her up the wrong way.

It makes me want to go crazy. I'm 21 now and i'll admit i was a bit of a problem child when i was younger. I've grown up and i recognise the changes i have made to my behaviour. I'm a easy going guy and i'm not confrontational. Unfortunately my mum still treats me like i'm 11 and always jumps to the gun. Sometimes i don't even get to finish my sentance before she has erupted.

Other day i tried to tell my mum that i didn't like my haircut. Her response was "i don't have any money to get your haircut, just leave me alone". Now at no point did i ask for her to get me a haircut or supply me with the funds to do so. I was just expressing myself. Parents are just presumptious.

I'm sorry to hear this Tormod. I don't have any useful advice, Maybe another member can help out. I hope you can find some resolution.

idk, PMS i guess...
omg that rhymed lol!

yeah... your mum sounds like a real nutjob.
thank goodness mine isn't.

What is PMS?

PMS stands for Pre Menstral Syndrome..... (womens monthly cycle hormonal issues....bitchy, crampy etc etc...)they were cracking a joke kind of. But do not tell her that, she will just probally get more angry hearing that from you as a wise crack.

I am sorry that you have this issue with your Mom. Its too bad that she does not really understand you at all it seems.

Maybe a family counceling session with a councelor that understands aspergers and the issues that you uniquly face? (I know some people frown on seeking help outside their own family, but its worth a try). Your Mom may not go for it, but if you put it into the right context, she may.

I suggested that once myself. Though I don't remember if I told her or if I made my father talk to her about it. My memory is like that. But since we didn't do it, I assume she disliked the idea. I can't really imagine her approving of it anyway, since she thinks it would be much simpler if I just stopped being so difficult. She thinks I'm just trying to annoy her anyway.

But maybe I should try again. After all, I really wish to do something about it

How do I see the right context? It sound like something that would be difficult for me to see.

How do I see the right context? It sound like something that would be difficult for me to see.

I wanted you to say it in the right context. Meaning, dont pick a time to talk to her about it when you are having an arguement or when you maybe mad at eachother. Pick a time when it is nice and calm and quiet to approach this subject. Also to put it in the right wording so she would see that it might really help your relationship get better. And be sure to mention it is not your fault and it isnt her fault either, that you are not trying to place blame on her at all. Just let her know you really want to make this work, and that you feel that having a councelor help you both to understand eachother would be a good thing.

Of course put everything in your own words. Just really think it thru before jumping into it. I think it is really important that you make sure not to place the blame on anybody.

I hope this helps, and BTW....I like your avatar! Calvin and Hobbes was my favorite cartoon in the paper when I was growing up!

Yes I really like Calvin and Hobbes. I don’t know if I’ll stop if I happen to grow up someday.

Well I would like to do what you said, I'll just have to think of a way to do it. The problem is, if she really isn't angry, and I try to talk to her about these problems, she'll either become angry, or more usually just laugh and act like she have no idea what I'm talking about. I don't know if she's pretending or if she really is unaware of the situation somehow.

In any case, I much appreciate your advice. It’s the first time someone’s trying to help me about this. So thank you.

Im 37, and I still love Calvin and Hobbes, and I love to watch cartoons! So, I am grown-up, but still a child at heart. Really, dont ever lose that! Stuffy adults that cant kick back and watch a funny cartoon and laugh are really missing out!!

Im glad that I can help you a little by posting my opinion. BTW, I am also assuming that you are a teenager/young adult? All teenagers/young adults have issues with their parents, if you are NT or AS or whatever. It is a part of growing up, but any way to make it easier for you and your Mom would help. When you said that when she yells really loud and you cover your ears...then she gets more mad because she thinks you are just trying not to listen to her.... when infact you are hyper-sensitive to loud noises and are trying to protect your ears. It made me feel like maybe she isnt remembering your unique issues that you face being who you are. Thats why I thought it would help having an outsider (councelor) with an understanding of Aspergers and your unique issues would definatly help you two.

Yes, I'm a teenager, 17 years old. And I've heard that about how all teenagers have these troubles, and I've thought about it a lot. But in the end I just cannot see what being a teenager has to do with anything. And I have no trouble with my dad. He don't get angry unless he's got a reason. So it's not really that I have an issue with my parents, only with my mom.

What is it that teenagers usually do that give them these issues? If it has to do with being a teenager it must be something more than just having lived longer than 13 years that causes the troubles.

Well, Im glad you have a good relationship with your Dad. That is a blessing. Teenagers in general go thru a rebellion stage. (You cant tell me what to do, etc. Coming home later than agreed upon time with parents, lying about where he/she is going for the night. etc etc) Not every teenager goes thru this, but I sure remember I did. It took a long time for my Mom + Dad to trust me again, during my teenage years.

But it seems that you feel it is not teenage-isssues because you have a good relationship with your Dad, then I would defentaly pursue trying to get outside help for you and your Mom to better understand eachother.

Tormod... I know just how you feel. I got this treatment before I moved out. My mom did not have PMS so that could not be used as a excuse.

I was doing my first year in college when I was 18, and it was the course with the largest workload in the whole school. We would have 4 assignments due every week, so as soon as I get home, I would go on my computer to work. I would only have time to eat supper, watch one TV show for a break, and then go to bed when I am done.

The time I would go to bed varied. Sometimes 10pm, and sometimes as late as 1am.
My mother STILL had a bedtime for me. She got up to use the washroom at 1am and still saw the light in my room on, she yelled at me to go to bed. She mentally bit me too many times so I decided to bite back.

I yelled at the top of my lungs :
"Mom, don't you dare tell me when to go to bed, I have work to do and I am going to finish! This is college! Not high-school, but you would not know anything about what would you? Cuz you didn't pass the 8th grade and then quit school"

She did not nag me about bedtime or my school work since. Sure what I said sounded mean.... but it is acually mild compared to some of the stuff she yelled at me. It felt good to get that out because it was building up for years.

Your def of hate is a little far fetched, my impression is that she cares too much.

Because I'm not very good with words, I often feel that I choose the wrong ones. It feels like whenever I write down my thoughts the text turn into something that only resembles what I was originally trying to say. So it's possible that I don't exactly mean hate.

But I don't see how it can be caring too much, it doesn't make sense (I guess getting something like that wrong would be just like me). But for whatever reason it is that she treats me like this, she doesn't do it to my brothers or sister.

It doesn't sound like caring too much to me if she constantly yells at you. I hope that you are high enough functioning to be able to move out within a year. It can be difficult for an NT to do so, because it's not like the day that you turn 18 everything is totally different. The military was an option for me, to force me accept responsibility, but I'm starting to get the idea that a lot of Aspies won't deal well with the service. Are you eligible for a college scholarship? Do you have any work experience Tormod? If not, then you may want to look into these latter two options.