Having trouble with finding reason to go on

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I spent the better part of this last week in Santa Barabara with a friend, I live in Napa so it's completely atypical of the norm, I absolutely loved the socialization and realized I need to move out of my home town and into a place where I can get the soialization I want and need.

I think I've snapped though. I drove back from 12:30-6:55am Tuesday morning drinking 4 24oz cans of Monster XXL. Makes your piss bright green and didn't keep me awake. Several hours later with my best friend I was tweaking out like a coke head, had an emotional break down and I'm sure it freaked her out badly.

Wednesday she called me once, twice, left a message asking me to reply as I needed a paper from her to complete some school work. Didn't respond to either. She calls me late that night leaving a message asking me if everything is alright as I always answer my phone or get back to messages pronto. Obviously everything wasn't right as she texted me at 11pm asking if I was mad at her.

Honestly I'm not mad at her, just bothered by the way she leaves any and all plans open as to when they are to happen so that she can cancel at the last second.

Didn't reply until 1:40am.

RIght now I'm hopped up on .5mg of Xanax and 2 shots of JD, and 3 Tylenol PM (I really don't want to experience another day of boredom) along with Lipodrene as I want to lose a final 23lbs. Shame it doesn't have an ephedrine in it but at least it helps give me control of my appetite a bit. Already tried a bag over my head once today. Just had extreme apathy towards her yesterday. Took a girl I'm really into out to arestaurant and wussed out by not trying to hold her hand like I said I would. Rejection or success I could at least use it as a boosting platform for some confidence.

I kinda feel like an ass for going on my day like normal while not responding to her calls. On the other hand she does it to me all the time so I kinda felt like I was letting her know what it was like except I don't worry my balls off when she does it. Apparently she was worried all day but stopped just short of knocking on my door.

Home life sucks. Austistic, OCD based 14 year old sister covers the house in torn up paper. Not a square inch of this palce is clean. Tempted to join the ranks of the homeless in San Francisco, at least if they're taking s**t from someone they can move elsewhere.

Job only gives me work on Mondays now. Computer repair is a slow business and since I apparently was hired to pick up slack I don't need to work...with a $550 credit card bill that so far has no interest rate.

I was binge eating for a while, and purging. Promised my best friend I wouldn't do it again and I haven't in about 2-3 weeks.

Parents don't seem to notice anything.

To sum it up:
Life sucks.
I love this girl but won't take any overt moves to let her know I really like her like her.
Job sucks.

I had an offer from the f*****g Thomas Keller Group as a full time IT staff member. Look them up, they're huge here.

Feel like a putz and just wanna stay asleep or be drunk. Almost yelled at my best friend yesterday, glad I didn't have the energy to open my mouth or raise my voice enough to do so.

Maybe if you laid off the monster drinks and got some sleep you would be more clear headed.

Haven't touched a drop of monster since 4am Tuesday morning and have gotten plenty of sleep since. This feeling of worthlessness and hopelessness just won't go away and I believe it's justified.

Aside from my best friend no-one seems to notice or care, suppose I'll have to have deep cut marks on my arms before anyone will care to notice.

If you are prone to depression or mood change then caffeinated drinks or alchohol or drugs or anything like that will affect you. One of my family members just dare not have alcohol at all or they go into depression.

Anything that changes your mood is a risk to your life potentially. So once your body has recovered from this last set of Monsters etc you will have to think carefully about doing this to yourself again. Some people, even knowing that some drinks and foods don't suit them, will still occasionally indulge since the pay off of a good evening out seems worth the odd day or two of depression afterwards.

Its up to you, of course, I am just pointing out the risks from what I have seen.

I agree.

That was 96oz of monster at 10mg per ounce of caffeine which equates to 960mg.

Alcohol makes me happy, I'm very pleasant and socialable when drunk to the point where any last aspieness is long gone. Depression occurs as I realize that nothing has actually changed in my reality when I feel happy, still living in the same house with the same small group of friends who prefer video games over reality.

You said it in your original post: you need to go where you can make the changes you want in your life. Would the job offer help?

96 oz of caffeine would put me to sleep. I'm glad you made it home okay. The best thing to do is write down what you want to change in your life, then pick an item and do it.