screw you

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im not the one who needs you. you're the one who needs me. you need me to act like an obedient son who obey you without question. you need me to give an image of a happy family. you need the image, you care about what people see you as and about what people think of you. you need me as your tech support. you need me to fix the computer if it messes up. you need me to translate stuff to english and vice versa (english not our first language). you're very image-conscious.

not me, im a freespirit. i dont care what people think, i dont care what people say. if people ask, i can just tell the truth. but i wont. why? because it will hurt your image. people will think you dont raise me properly (and i think you dont). people will think im not happy being around you (maybe im not), and you cant have that. the most important thing to you is what people think of you.

i could run away, but i wont. because you will scream like mad at me and i cant take it. why? because im traumatized by your voice. everytime i hear your voice, i shut down from the inside. even if you're talking normally, i also shut down. why? because the voice my brain remembers is the voice when you're angry, the tone you have when you're screaming, the loudness of it, ever since i was a kid. a kid's mind is fragile. what is ingrained in my mind is what you give to it when i was a kid. so dont blame me if im hurt by your voice till now.

im ready to take the fall, im ready to take the blame. maybe im just too traumatized to fight back, or maybe im willingly just doing my duty as a son. you want to control me, you have succeded. i will not fight back. not openly. just on the inside.

you probably think you're doing a good job as parents and im the one who messed up. but remember, people are born in a blank state (with different genetics make-up but mostly blank state). what you reap is what you sow. you raised me by controlling me with fear, and that's what you get. im scared of you to fight back so im going to be obedient. if this is what you want, you're the most successful parents ever.

im sorry if i dont love you as much as you want me to, but love cant be forced. feelings cant be forced. i will still care for you consciously, because im scared of you. im scared you will scream at me if i dont, and im scared at your voice.

I too have conditioned responses that are very old, when family members are able to dominate me. I hate it, too. I wonder if 20 years is too long for them to change. Can I break out of this family role?

That's pretty significant... realizing all those things that are happening.

Now that you have brought this all out... what will you do with it?

I hope you can find a way to overcome the propensity to fall back into the patterns you describe here and be a free person someday.

I found your passage pretty powerful... thanks for sharing!

what would i do with it? hmm. fake my own death and move overseas

seriously, the only way to break it is to get married, as they would allow me to live someplace else if im married. however, it's still not 100% freedom. my older brother is married and my parents require him and his wife to have dinner together once a week. my brother doesnt mind though, he was raised by my uncle since he was 8 and he was only 'returned' to us after he graduated college. so it's ironic that my brother can stand being around my parents even though he spent less time with us.

the problem is, i dont want to have kids but my parents want me to have kids (again, back to image and what people think of us). my ideal marriage is to find a woman who also doesnt want kids (or cannot have kids), and adopt a poor child from somewhere (something my parents wont agree). if i get married, my parents will probably bother me about grandchildren forever. we would still be required to gather once week for dinner.

5 events/incidents that made me lost respect to my mom

1)
I dont remember the date. it was when i realized that i can't stand the sound of slurping. unfortunately, this is the way both my parents eat, and they're not changing. the first time it happened, i covered my ears and told my mom to not slurp. i expected her to understand and at least TRY to not slurp. but what happened was she scolded me. "what's wrong with you? this is how people eat. get used to it." of course i couldnt get used to it. i can't help it. it's in my nerves. i brought it up several times but the response is always the same. "this is how we eat. get used to it." I gave up on this. I hate family dinner now. It's torture.

2)
9th grade. my class was planning a valentine party. we booked a ballroom at a hotel and we had teachers as chaperones. what happened on the day of the party was my mom insisted on taking me all the way to the ballroom! she said she wanted to see what it looked like. of course i was the only guy there who came with his parent. she left afterwards but not after my friends saw me entering the ballroom with my mom. it was so embarassing.

3)
this one really irks me. it's not one particular incident, but a continuing one. I dont like wearing a watch, yet my mom always insists on me wearing one. Her reason? "If I don't wear a watch people will think I don't have money to buy a watch." so? what's the big deal if people think i don't have money? why do we need to flaunt our wealth? it's just not watches but everything else about fashion. she wants me to buy new clothes every year because "it's embarassing if i go out wearing clothes that are more than 1 year old". this isn't the lifestyle i want. there are a lot of poor people out there, i dont want to flaunt my wealth , it's just not ethical.

4)
she insists that I remember mother's day and father's day, despite the fact that my country doesnt celebrate them. i think our family is the only family in this country that celebrates them. my mom said "if i dont remember mother's day and father's day, it means you dont love us. how could you? we raised you!". also on one of her birthdays, my brother hadnt said happy birthday yet. so my mom entered my room, crying, telling me to go into my brother's room and ask him to say happy birthday to her. lol. i dont know what to make of it.

5)
this one was the final straw. it was in senior year in high school. being a teenager, i had a crush on someone and eventually fell in love with her. unfortunately she already had a boyfriend so, heartbreak for me. i confided my feelings to one of my friends then i don't know how, the news spreaded all over the school! suddenly the whole school knew i was in love with her. the news finally reached my mom. at first i was relieved because i thought my mom would know how to comfort me. what happened really shocked me. she scolded me! she scolded me for liking a girl who already had a boyfriend. she said "why cant you like someone who doesnt have a boyfriend. this girl already has a boyfriend so you're not suppose to like her!"

what i did next was a blur and i wasnt sure i was in control. i tried to deny it. i tried denying that i liked her and i told her it's just a false rumor. i guess it was a fight or flight response. i was just trying to stop my mom from scolding me. i remember crying after my mom left the room. she was my best hope for comfort and she let me down.

You're 27 years old. Why does your mom scream at you? Do you still live with her? If so, then you might consider doing anything you can to spend time away from her. Get a job, anything even if it's farm work or working in a fast food place. It will give you relief, and maybe your mom's behavior will improve when you start making yourself scarce. Being scarce can make people appreciate you more. I don't know why it works this way but it does. I wouldn't recommend going right from living with your mom to getting married. You might have trouble finding a healthy partner without first spending a lot of time living by yourself, away from the noise of other people.

Why would you hate your mother because of the way she eats?

because she slurps and i cant stand the sound.

in my country, it's the norm for people to live with their parents until they get married. everyone does it. there's no shame in it over here because it's the accepted way of living. i think the main reasoning is: 1. to save cost of living. 2. it is expected by our culture for children to take care of their parents.

this house was originally my grandfather's house. he turned the ownership over to my father when he got married, and they (my grandparents) still lived there until they died.

i dont actually hate my mom. im just not 'buddy-buddy' with her.

Slurping is disgusting, but a lot of people do eat that way, in some countries it's even expected. I would suggest you try and tolerate it on the occasion you eat with her, but eat by yourself most of the time. All people have disgusting habits, that's no reason to dislike them.
I don't see anything wrong with #2... are you embarrased to have a mother or something? She just wanted to see the room, so what.

what annoys me the most is she (they, actually, my father also eats like that) dont believe that i'm EXTREMELY hurt by the slurping sound. they think im making it up. and i've tried to have my meals before or after they have theirs but they wont have any of it. they said we have to eat together as a family and i am not allowed to cover my ears throughout the meals.

it's not illegal, it's just frowned upon. people will think i'm ingrateful and i dont want to take care of my parents.

Why do you eat with them? Just avoid it, or maybe turn on the TV or some music, depending on how loud they are.

because they want me too and i'm too scared to object.

Yikes. A heavily narcisstic mother. Not good. You have my fullest sympathy.

I think someone mentioned finding a way to live independent from her. I think this is the only way. As long as you're still within her physical sphere of influence, it ain't gonna end until you learn to stand up for yourself or move out. Both are challenging options for an aspie, but being able to stand up for yourself starts in the home. You don't have to be mean to her, just defend your own psychological space. Hopefully both of you can come to a mutual understanding.