breaking point

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I dont know if what I'm about to talk about is covered here or not since this is place is primarily for ASDs etc so if not then I apologise in advance.

Whether I have aspergers or not is something i still dont know, there's other conditions i suspect i have such as OCD, but there's one which I've never been diagnosed with but am certain i have which is complex post traumatic stress disorder. I don't want to go into too mcuh detail as its still not something i can talk about even after 20 years but to cut a long story short that sadistic piece of crap father of mine derived some sick pleasure from inflicting pain and i was the lucky one who get the sharp end of the stick, (or red hot kebab scewer to be more precise).

this has driven me to attempt suicide 8 times, 6 times between the age of 4 to 6 once when i was 17 and the last time was just last month, i used to have things that drove me to keep going but every single ounce of my being has been systematically destroyed throughout the course of my life and theres just nothing left, i dont have anything that drives me anymore and the only reason i now try to hold off from suicide is because of the little family i have left mainly it wouldn b fair on my mother, long story but shes kinda already lost my sister and i couldnt do that to her, as much as i suffer with this im not selfish.

i honestly dont think i can take it anymore, i got threatened and faced with pain and death so much that i honestly dont care if i live or die, im not afraid of it and if im completely honest, i look forward to it, i dont enjoy life and the worst thing of it all isnt just that this happened but that im forced to live with the memories of it every day and they just force their way back into my mind, whenever i hear of something like someone dying or amnesia i just cant feel bad for them because all i keep think is "you lucky son of a b***h i'd give anything to swap places with you", i look at death as when my suffering can finally end, not something to fear.

ive been driven to substance abuse in the past, ive worked these down to legal high alternatives now that produce the same effect now however but essentially being stoned is literally the only thing i look forward to, feeling that rush of euphoria is the closest to happiness ive ever felt, i just dont seem to be able to feel any positive emotion that isnt artificially induced, i know its not real but its all i have. i'll apologise in advance to anyone here thats religious as i dont mean to offence your beliefs and im only saying this to try and explain my state of mind but here goes:

when this happened to me i was religious, i believed and i prayed every day and night for it to end, my prayers went unaswered. After 6 months i started praying for just my mother and my sister to be spared and i would take all of it, again my prayers went unanswered, it ended eventually a year and a half later but it werent be any damn devine intervention, fyi if there's people who are religious please do not try and defend god or religion on this topic because i will fly off the handle, people get very defensive over insults to their religions but very rarely think about how spouting regious spiel offends other people, my experience taught me alot about life and one thing i learned is there is no god, and on the off chance there is i want to make damn sure that mother f****r is forced to feel the pain i was forced to feel and i will spend eternity trying, ive got some questions for that bastard god and he better have some f*****g good answers if he doesnt want to know what pain really is.

i guess im not expecting alot of response that will understand this, not being obnoxious but i take real issue with anyone that says "i understand how you feel" when all theyve done is read a book on the topic, bottom line you dont understand anything unless you go through it, thats why ive never been able to talk to any of my friends about this really, they just dont understand how it feels to hate someone that much and just live eat and breath pain and hate but also need them and need the pain. i just dont think i can handle it much longer, i buried it all in the back of my mind and just didnt speak of it because i couldnt handle it then and i still cant now, the amount of pain and anger i feel when thinking of it brings up the only fear i have which is losing my mind that really is the only thing im afraid of now, i simply have nothing else to lose.

I hope things improve with you soon!

I hope you feel better man, realize there are others with similar pains.

I won't say I understand the particulars, but I know how rough it can be just getting through each hour of every day.

Death is something we're all guaranteed. It's coming, no matter what.

I notice you're thinking about how your actions affect others. Interesting what's left when everything else is gone. Maybe that's the true essence of what we are.

I see it more as my family's gone through enough as it is, my mother was beaten, my sister was abused, i was tortured, we all had our individual treatment. at first i was afraid of it all, it started when i was around 3 and a half, at least thats as far back as i can remember, could have started earlier for all i know, personally im glad i dont remember any further back its doubtful it was good but after a while i lost hope of him stopping regardless of what he wanted me to say to beg for him to stop, he never intended to, he just wanted to see me crack, he'd stop for the night when i cracked but hed be back again a day or two later

its insane how quickly you learn when your four how to hate someone on a whole new level and how to fantasise about revenge and also you learn whats going on around you, to your family. i had no delusions of being able to stop him from attacking my mother and sister he could (and did on several occasions) knock me out with a punch, so the only option i had was to not break, he wanted me to beg so i started refusing didnt make him happy of course which made things worse for me but hed wear himself out being angry with me that hed be too tired too touch my mother or sister so they were safe for a night, couldnt stop him from going after them all the time but i figured sometimes was better than no times.

i didnt want them to go through any more pain than they already had back then, i still dont want to cause them more now, my mother and sister have stopped talking to each other after a falling out which has upset my mother even more, shes in a way lost my sister already so im the only one shes has left, i couldnt do that to her it wouldnt be fair, not exactly fair on me either but its not like im not used to life being a b***h.

I've refused to forgive people for less than what you describe Seth36. Since you decided to post this account here I'm hoping that means that you want to deal with this rather than die. I hope you can find a medium between hurting yourself or redirecting your aggression against an uninvolved 3rd party. You don't sound like you want to be a violent a**hole to someone else just because it was done to you. Thats good, it shows character, even if you don't see it that way. As for suicide, I was unwillingly dragged into a strangers suicide 9 years ago and it sucked. I'll discuss it by pm if you think it will help, but not here. Maybe some the other Brits can help direct you to some social service help. I've been unwilling involved in lesser of domestic s**t when I was younger. Note that I'm not bothering you with inane chatter of God, because if he/she/it exists then prayer is the worst polish come along joke ever.

I know that it wouldnt be fair on whats left of my family so for that reason im just hanging in for now, i dont want to feel this way all the time, id love to be able to just think and feel normally, i really envy people with amnesia, alot of the time i think life would be so much simpler if i simply couldnt remember anything about my past. i originally never wanted to go into therapy or anything, ive kinda been forced into the position where i need to now, burying it for 20 years has done some damage i think and i cant deal with it on my own anymore, id never harm someone else for no reason, i dont belive in taking anything out on someone who doesnt deserve it, i take my frustration out either on myself or a brick wall. i wasnt really expecting there to be anyone else around that would have maybe gone through anything similar, kind of a shot in the dark as to whether thered be someone else that would really understand, i think i just needed to say it more than anything (well type anyway).

I've dealt with suicide alot as well, not counting my own attempts, my mothers had a couple of attempts as has my best friend, 2 of my friends have committed suicide, one right infront of me also did a little counselling for other people as ive also had a good understanding of psychology, prolly because of what i went through i understand them a bit better so people can talk to me about problems quite easily, one of the benefits of not having much to say about yourself all the time is your a good listener. i did seriously think about it again yesterday but i didnt act on anything, im just not really sure on how to handle things until i get to see someone about it

I heard somewhere that they now have the technology to erase peoples bad memories. I'm sure that it's outrageouslly expensive, and not readily availible yet, but it's worth looking into. There's also hypnosis.

I think the memory erasing might ust be someone taking the "eternal sunshine" thing a little far, although if something like that did come up id happily volunteer. Hypnosis is a no can do for, not really a big fan or beliver in all that bark like a chicken cluck like a dog stuff, besides which for hypnosis to work you have to trust the person putting you under, trust is near impossible for me to give, betrayed by your father who you meant to trust?

my life is not yours, however, there are sufficient analogs that I think I do understand the net overall feelings you have.

I find that I simply am always near that edge - not necessarily of giving up as in a cowardly leaving the game, but a deeper giving up. . .wherein I simply lack some sort or mental or spiritual energy needed to continue.

I find that usually my bouts of suicidal thought - which I am having at this moment - are caused by my life's burden of pain, but triggered by some new and specific event. Sometimes the event is large, but not necessarily. It can simply be the last straw.

I tbink life is tough for everyone. I do also think it is hardee for others. I think it is haeder for anyone on this "spectrum". But for some of us, it also seems to be animistically determined to really pile it on.

Tbus far, I have been strong enough. But the blows that don't kill me sont make me stronger. They weaken me. At some point - I am certain - I will choose to end it.

I wish I had kind wonderful and supportive words for you. I don't. I need some myself. I just hope that - for all who have faced quite enough, and then more, that life would ease up a bit for a while and give us time to recover before the next blow.

I can't add a lot of cheerful bs. But I can say I appreciate your situation and hope you c0an keep it together.

I can definitely relate to what you said about not having the physical, mental or spiritual energy to go on, i get the same thing myself. I dont have any real motivation left and no "hope" of anything good, however one small bit of solace ive always been able to find is that i know things can never get any worse than they have been, ive already had the worst life can ever possibly throw at me so if i can get through that i can get through anything else, thats the way i look at it at least.

Seth, for what it is worth, I am your sister in pain. I grok and I give a damn. Haang in there - for what exactly I can't truly say - but hang in there.

Seth, for what it is worth, I am your sister in pain. I grok and I give a damn. Haang in there - for what exactly I can't truly say - but hang in there.

Grok?

Im hanging in for now, not because i want to live or enjoy any part of it, but until my sister decides to reconcile with my mother im kinda stuck with this, maybe my logic is a little strange but i figure having my mother deal with losing two of her children isnt fair, at least if theres one she has that, no sister around so it falls to me, ive really wished they would reconcile so i can have this finally end, im really tired of fighting with this every day i just want it to be over, one way or another.