I feel really guilty. I have planned to go on holiday to Corsica and walk the GR20, the path which goes across the island. This is something I have wanted to do for 2 years now. Last year I had some friends who decided they wanted to come with me and we planned it together. Then about a month before they decided they didnt want to come any more (one had bad knees and should never have asked to come anyway, the other decided she didnt like me any more and used it to hurt me after an argument). So I wasnt ready to do it alone and had to give it up which was very disappointing.
This year I am not making the mistake of planning it with other people - I dont have anyone to go with anyway, and am looking forward to doing it alone. In fact I wont be alone as 100s of people walk each step each day and everyone spends the night in the same campsite. It is a very challenging walk, but I like challenges like this, I have become obsessed with the idea of doing it and I think I can make it if all goes well. But my mother is not happy with the idea of me going off and doing it alone. SHe hasnt tried to stop me, but I know that she will be really worried. She wants me to take a mobile phone, but they dont work on 90% of the route anyway and I figure that in an emergency, someone will pass who is behind you and alert the guardians at the next refuge who have radios.
In fact, its probably more dangerous what I do every weekend at the moment - to practise I go walking alone in the mountains around Nice. Here I normally dont meet anyone on the paths, but I really enjoy being alone in the mountains and having noone to go with I have to go alone. The alternative is giving up one thing I really enjoy which would make me very unhappy. And without training, I will never make the GR20. I tend to avoid the question when my mother asks me what I do at weekends as I dont want her to know I go off alone in the mountains. Corsica will be a lot safer than that with so many people around.
But I feel terribly guilty about it. I am 30 years old, not a child and as my knees are already starting to hurt sometimes I am worried that if I leave it too long I wont be able to do it any more, which I will then regret all my life. THere is no guarantee that I will ever meet anyone who wants to walk it with me later in life and I dont want to go in the large groups that do it as this would take out all the magic for me, I would find it very awkward (and also costs a huge amount, whereas doing it alone is very cheap).
To be honest, if something bad does happen in the mountains I am not really that bothered (well I say that now) - it would be the best way to die as far as I can see. However, this is obviously not a good thing to say to my mother. I am starting to worry about the trip instead of looking forward to it and worry that i wont enjoy it, knowing that I am hurting her by making her worried. But what else can I do?
24 Apr 2008, 1:54 am
