For parents, for those who feel misunderstood, unaccepted...

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I originally put this in this thread... My Thread in the Random Forum

I later realized it was better off someplace else... and this seemed the likely place.
The title to this thread comes from my concern and understanding of not being accepted for who you are.
Although it is about being transgendered... I do believe it applies to so many other issues we deal with in our lives.

The definition of what a 'Normal' Person is has always been constricted to a very narrow line.
This excludes so many people in our society... people who are just as beautiful, just as intelligent, just as important as those portrayed as this ideal of normality by society's 'authorities'.

I hope this makes sense... to some of you anyway...

THE POST as originaly written-

Personally, it's not an issue of grading gender.
It's an issue of feeling.
It's what feels right in my mind.
I believe this is the case for many other transgendered people.

You're told all your life you are one particular gender.
You learn that this gender is supposed to behave in certain ways, wear certain clothes, play with certain toys, walk, talk, eat, in a particular fashion... but the whole time you struggle with meeting these requirements.
Also, during the time you are struggling and not feeling like you fit this gender people have defined you as, you notice people exhibiting a different gender.
You watch them, talk to them and start to realize THAT'S what you are supposed to be.
It just feels right in your mind... your body.
But... you meet resistence from your family, your community, your religion, whenever you talk about this revelation.

You experiment to see how close you can get to being that other gender, but you do it in secret.
It's never enough, but it gives you the idea, the feeling that you are correct in your beliefs.
You know this is 'wrong' because others tell you so.
You know there are consequences if you are caught trying to be the other gender... sometimes severe consequences.
You feel scared and alone, being the only person who knows the truth about you, the only person who supports this truth.

Sometimes you get angry with yourself... "Why can't I just be NORMAL like everyone else?!", instead of "Why can't other people just accept me as I am?!" - this last one comes along later in life.
As a child, you seek truth and comfort from higher authority... the adult;their words carry a lot of weight for you.
If you are part of a religious family, you receive constant 'education' that what you do is an abomination to GOD...
YOU WILL GO TO HELL!
At this time... HELL is the scariest place you could ever imagine.
So you continue to hate yourself, to try and stop your mind from seeing you as this 'other' gender.
You're not even calling it gender because you have only learned it's straight or queer and GOD hates queers.
-again.. this is during childhood folks-

As you grow, you work very hard to put those thoughts away and just accept the gender role you've been given by those around you.
During some point(s) in your life.. you go to extremes just to 'prove' you are what people see you as.
If you are seen as the male gender, you start trying out for sports... football, basketball, etc.
You get dirty, and play 'Cowboys & Indians'.
You emulate all the manly Heroes of your time.. you learn to walk, talk, and act just like them so people won't see who/what you really are.
You are deathly afraid your real gender will show... in fact... when your lack of strength/skills in things like football mean you are picked last... if at all, for friendly games at school or in the neighborhood... you just know they have found out about you.
It's written on your face... it's in the way you walk... that softness in your voice... the way you stand there gazing at the ground instead of 'Looking them in the eye!"... your shyness.

You start to avoid people you are scared of. People you know you're supposed to be like and be playing with.
You're a loner and the other kids start to notice... you are labelled "weird", "strange", and you become a target.
You might find others like you who are not accepted, and no matter what their background or reason, you hang out with them, although you don't really want to deep down inside.
You get into trouble, become cast as a 'bad' person.
You're old friends don't want to play with you anymore, you know their parents don't want you around their homes.
You begin to absorb this idea of what a terrible person you really are.

So this is how you grow up.
At some point during these years, you wander around town on your own.
Perhaps an older boy you don't know, or an 'old' man you've never met approaches you.
They start up a conversation... they see you are unhappy... they know just what to say to befriend you.
They may offer you cigarettes, or alcohol, perhaps even drugs.
This is in the guise of, 'nobody likes people like you and me kid, join my club and you can finally find a home where you are totally accepted and loved'... except for the fact that this is not the truth.
They invite you over to their house, their apartment, their hotel room... whatever.
You learn exactly what it is they are after.... sometimes before it happens... sometimes too late.

Experiences like these... where you are used, and maybe abused... just confirm your lack of worth in this world.
If it was sexually oriented, that experience also confirms that you must be queer.
That person certainly wants to convince you that it was YOUR idea, that YOU really wanted it!

Growing up like this... is it any wonder that a child would carry confusion, and self-hatred with them all their lives?
These are the struggles that some of us have dealt with all our lives...

- Am I a boy or a girl?
....My body says one thing, my mind says another. How the hell am I supposed to straighten this out?

- Am I straight or queer?
....I wish to dress like, play like, and 'be' the other gender but if/when I do, society tells me I'm queer, although I am not attracted to the 'same sex' the way these queers are supposed to be.

- Am I bad or good?
....If I give into what my mind says about me, I am sinning, I am hurting my parents, I am wrong... I must be bad. No matter how much I try to change and be good, I fail so I can never be good... I will always be bad.

Now... do any of you really think a person would willingly go through all this as a voluntary choice?

Once you reach adulthood, you keep up the struggle with trying to 'do the right thing'.
You work hard to attain a place in society where you can be respected... providing you were lucky or just plain fortunate enough not to get caught up in the world of drugs/alcohol/sexual abuse/crime to the extent that you have ruined your life.

As an adult you find you have a tiny bit more leeway to exhibit your true gender if you are not too scared to.
You can adjust your wardrobe a bit by wearing certain colors, fabrics, styles that aren't the extreme of your public gender.
Today... men can wear pink, whereas years ago you would be labelled queer if you did.
You get your own place to live and maybe allow yourself a bit of freedom within the confines of those walls.
It's much easier if you live alone and have no friends, no family that would ever come to visit you.
If you're a loner... you get much more freedom within that 'closet' of yours.
But then.... you may constantly worry that the landlord will walk in someday and 'discover' who/what you really are and toss you out on the street.
You worry about the cops coming over for... well... anything. It's just your imagination, but you worry about it anyway... the cops dropping by to ask questions about you, or a neighbor... and THEY discover who/what you are.
What about the phone company, or cable guy, or plumber, etc.?
So you continue to live in fear even in the one place that should be a sanctuary for you.

Perhaps during your early adult years, you meet someone who makes you feel so good that you want to be with them all the time.
You have to prepare for this as the relationship progresses.
You go back to your home and "purge" your "other" life... throwing away all the things that have helped you live without the stress even if for short moments.
You donate things to charity or you just chuck it all in the dumpster. Possibly hundreds of dollars thrown away.
It tears at you when you do this... you're giving in, you're giving up, you're denouncing who you really are.
To fight the drepression this creates, you tell yourself that you are FINALLY going to "kick this habit!".
You now have a girlfriend (or boyfriend).. or if you've adopted the idea that you are gay, the same thing but in reverse .

So now you shove all those innate feelings deep down inside yourself. It's like burying hot embers deep inside a bundle of tinder. If you cannot successfully smother the embers to death, they will smolder slowly until they finally BURST INTO FLAMES.
You live your life in relative peace... on the surface... until your emotional embers burst into flames and you explode in front of those you know and love. This scares everyone. They see you as someone who erupts into fits of anger/rage at the slightest thing gone wrong.
They do not know what really lies beneath. The continued struggle to suppress what you know, the continued struggle to create what you are not.

Perhaps this other person in your life looks beyond those occasional outbursts.
They either think things will change because they have come into your life and will make things better, or perhaps they find something else to blame the anger on... "It's stress from the job", "You've been living alone too long", etc.
It's the old belief that you can change someone... you are the Florence Nightingale of their life... the topless dancer syndrome... you know the one don't you?
A guy goes into a topless bar, sees this beautiful dancer and becomes infatuated with her.
He starts to believe that he can be her saviour... he will rescue her from this terrible life.
He alone will make everything all right for her and in doing so... she will love him unconditionally forever!
It's a myth... it is romantic but not true.
Yet here is this person in your life that may believe this of themselves... or you may believe this of them - that they can rescue you. That this person will help you to become normal like everyone else!

Marriage happens, maybe kids come along.
You struggle with making these things work out right in your life.
You also struggle with that 'DEMON' deep down inside you... did you forget? No, you can't.
It's there... it's always been there... it'll always be there!
You run to the church. You run to a doctor.
You start the hatred all over again because eventually the 'other' self comes back to you.

When everyone is out of the house... maybe even when everyone is asleep... you secretly go to your wife's dresser or closet.
You try some things on. If they don't exactly fit... if you get stuck in them, stretch them, tear them... you panic!
You know she will find out... just like you knew your mom or sisters would find out that you were trying on their clothes!
The old ingrained fears rise up again within you.
You develop a system... you meticulously memorize exactly how the drawer was positioned before you opened it.
You just know your wife is suspicious and she closed the drawer crooked like that so you would put it back flush after being in there... then she'd have her proof!
While in her drawer... you memorize the layout of the clothing... how each one is folded or wrinkled.
When you put things back you put them back exactly the way they were before... or else you spend the rest of the day in fear... fear that your wife will open that drawer, look at the items in disarray and... "Who's been in my drawers?"... who else?
You've been caught and will not only BURN IN HELL, but will be divorced, lose your children (who would let kids stay with a pervert who wears his wife's clothing?), etc.

This constant tension in your life eats away at you.
For some... this can lead to becoming abusive towards others.
Others will turn to alcohol or other drugs.
Some will turn to pornography or acting out with people in secret.
All of these tear away at the fabric of a "Happy Home".
All of these tear away at your self-esteem... what little you have left over from childhood.

What if the divorce never comes?
You live with alienation from your spouse, your children.

For me... divorce came. I revealed who I really am.. and I was not accepted.
I was able to lift a lot of that tension, that stress from my mind once I opened up about being transgender... not only to people around me... but to myself.

I no longer have those outbursts of anger.
Luckily I never delved into the world of drugs, alcohol or abusive sexual relationships, as an adult.
I'm still trying to quit hating myself though... it's ingrained so deep from over 40 years of feeling that way.
I struggle now with the thought that being transgendered, being open about it, while it does bring me relief finally, also brings new issues for me to deal with.

I have been told I would make a very good teacher. This is from many teachers at my daughter's schools, from my teaching survival, etc.
You tell me... what parent in their right mind would want their child's teacher to be a Transgender Freak?
Seriously... too many people rant about teachers who are homosexual.
We are both thought of as perverts when in positions of authority over children.
Ever since my daughter was born, I feared my secret would be exposed and my child would be taken away from me because of it.
My former wife even tried during the divorce.
Here's what she said in court documents...


From the time my wife went back to work after our daughter's birth (my wife was in the Army at the time), I quit working full-time so I could stay at home and raise our daughter.
For those 12 years (most of which I worked part-time, attended school and occasionally worked full-time), our daughter and I were pretty much inseparable.
All this was with her mother's encouragement because it made sense that if we wanted our daughter to grow up at home with one parent there, it would be me since my wife was...
1 - in the Army
2- a physician who made the greater income.

Our daughter is a bright, intelligent person.
She is complimented often on her maturity, honesty, compassion, and happiness.
I have never taken full credit for that... but if I was such a terrible influence as described above... surely our daughter would have issues... don't you think?

Basically this hightlighted how people like me are seen by many members of society.

I know this probably belongs in the HAVEN... or on some other planet... sorry for the whole thing, but I thought it might be helpful to describe life for someone transgendered.
My story is not the only one... and certain elements I have laid out above are not my own experiences... although most of it is.

I am not looking for sympathy.
I just want a bit of respect for who/what I am.
I just want people to think... "Hmm, maybe he does know what he's talking about in regards to himself!"
I know that is what other transgendered people want too.

You do not have to understand where these beliefs, these feelings, these ideas come from... but it would be nice to allow some credibility for our knowledge of our own selves.
I just want to be seen as normal like all the rest of the world, albeit a very broad definition of normal

Today, I am normal... as I see myself... but I do still struggle with community acceptance... in my own mind and in the minds of others.

Guess I've said enough already....

an additional note... I told our daughter about my being transgendered while she was 12 years old. She brought up something in conversation about Eddie Izzard and transvestites once, and it just felt like the right time... it turns out it was. Ever since the news of the divorce was given to our daughter she was told there were three issues her mother felt made it necessary for her to seek a divorce...
1. My ADD/HD
2. My Angry outbursts... from my years of suppressing the gender issue and not understanding/dealing appropriately with that or my ADD/HD.
3. Some other unmentioned thing. Our daughter was told it was not the right time to discuss this third issue with her.

When I told our daughter this third issue was my being transgendered, her comment was this... "I thought it was something like that!"
She's been quite accepting of me the whole time.
We do split custody 50%.
The court differed in opinion with my wife and her claims that I was not fit to be even a part-time parent.

I also want to say... after reading this over repeatedly and editing it many times already...

My use of the term 'queer' is meant to sound hateful in context because that's the way the term was used while I was growing up in West Texas. I wanted to display the feeling surrounding 'queers' as it was when I was a child.
It would not bother me to discover I was gay... but in reality... I am not.
I have long thought about this, worked with it both on my own and in therapy.
I just didn't want any gay folks to feel I thought poorly of them! Indeed NOT!

Last edited by wsmac on 24 Apr 2008, 1:54 pm, edited 4 times in total.

A universally human topic

I read you loud and clear...in the blue letters.

Your spouse and you seem like an odd match, like my ex-husband and me. But you have a great daughter.

Yup, when you are young and misfit so many jerks and perverts take advantage. This happened to me because I am very different.

Do not let them do it now.

I hope you get your gender change, if this is best for you. I wish I knew more about it. Please stay in touch.

at the end of the day you should be your top priority

Thank you for your comments and for reading all this.
I made a few corrections both grammatical and other... but did not change the overall content at all.
I also changed the blue writing to green because on my monitor, the blue is too harsh... just want it to be easily read by all.

One of the most significant improvements in my life has been my acceptance of this whole notion of being transgendered.
Same with the ADD/HD.
Once I allowed myself to accept the way I truly am, I could quit trying to 'make myself normal'.
Today I really do see myself as normal... just frustrated that too many other people do not.

Because of my experiences in life, I have always held much empathy for children.
I am so relieved when I see a family where the parents seem to allow the children to learn about life, to ask questions without being told not to, to show their own character without being suppressed.
Children, in my opinion, should be guided but not forced, taught but not indoctrinated, helped to understand their mistakes but not beaten for them.

That's probably one of the hardest things for me when out in public... watching adults berate, denegrate, and physically harm a child in a show of "who's right and who's wrong".
It just makes me so sad to see it.

Gender Dysphoria: A Mother's Tale

http://podcast.plain-sense.co.uk/2008/0 ... thers-tale

Thought you might be interested in this

Thanks, I'll have to check it out when I get home... I'm still at work.

I'm curious if anyone here can relate to my opening post, whether it's about gender issues or something else?

After I typed it and read it several times, I thought it could apply to anyone who felt 'different' during childhood even for things like AS or ADD/HD.