How the heck do you relapse TWICE in a day?

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I just self harmed twice today, and I'm totally ticked off at myself. I've stopped for about 3 weeks now, but I just had a really numb day and lost it...
I hate myself right now...

*hugs* it's ok, I don't do anything serious but I can't help punching stuff when I can't deal with being upset not out of anger just to express myself I hit myself on the head too..... Just try not to do it again.

I'm going to try, but when I'm numb and angry, I think I deserve the pain...so it hard to not convince myself of that.
I feel like I've screwed up so badly...like even though I try, I'm always going to fail (dang it, now I want to self harm again!)

I know it isn't as easy to accept as it sounds (from personal experience), but you are not deserving of pain. Also, you aren't failing at anything, it sounds like you are getting things done. That fact alone is enough to convince me that you are not a failure. I hope you realize that you aren't.

This brought to mind a scene from Hamlet.

A troupe of actors, friends of Prince Hamlet is visiting the castle at Elsinore. Hamlet tells Polonius, a court advisor, to look after their needs and make sure they're well treated.

Polonius: I shall treat them according to their deserts. (What they deserve)

Hamlet: Treat every man according to his deserts, and who shall escape the whip?


I've screwed up a lot too. It doesn't seem to me that you deserve pain more than everyone else.

I don't do it because I think I deserve it, I do it because it takes my mind off of things



Merle

I can offer my solidarity here. I am a former self-harm enthusiast with the scars to prove it.

Sounds to me like some part of your subconscious derives satisfaction from the pain. It is less of a punishment and more of a reassurance.

I reckon if you really think you're deserving of punishment then you should force yourself to do something else...... something you really do NOT like..... something that will put the real horror of failure into you.

i hope you'll improve soon, i've also relapsed i couple of time and a while agoa very good friend of mine relapsed just a few days after telling me that i should quit because she was able to quit it. if you ever need someone to talk with know that i and the rest of wrong planet are here for you, we all have to look after each other right?

I hope that you feel better, soon. Hugs. :O)

Thanks for the support guys

I'm thinking that it's more because I want to feel pain, because it's better then feeling nothing at all

That was the reason why I initially started self harming. I thought it was going to be a once-off thing...but no...it was far from that.
I don't self harm anymore though. Most of my scars have faded, although they are still visible which is kind of annoying.

Maybe try and think of something else that will make you feel something instead of self harming. Listen to music that makes you said, or look at something that triggers a memory of some emotion...anything but hurting yourself.

You're welcome. I love your avatar, by the way. You are the Audrey Hepburn of WrongPlanet.

I'm really close to self harming again...