There... I said it. Things are changing in in my life, its a definite. Part of this of course being that it all started with an all-out war that I began fighting at 19 or 20 - pretty much swearing up and down that I'd either fix my AS traits or beat them out of myself.
I tried the first, then it fell back on the later. During this time, and for the last 8 or 9 years of my life I've always had a group of friends, a lot more extroverted, a lot more flashy, and a lot more naturally extroverted than myself. Some of these guys are best friends, I think I'll probably still know them through my 40's. However for years I was always trying to get myself out to bars, clubs, wherever they went - possibly trying to make things happen in other ways but really hoping that with enough push and enough social osmosis that I'd be able to pick off anything that I hadn't perceptually understood about the world around me.
I think over time the stress of trying so much has eaten away at that desire. I've come to many conclusions, many understandings about life and people, and what I've been able to square away with is the fact that of course - with PDD - all the social knowledge, know-how, none of its going to mean that much. I've been looking for a shift in my life, some way to change it to where I could have more long term happiness. Its taken me years of course to slowly pound into my emotional core what I've understood psychologically just like its taking a long time to stop railing on myself when I socially slip up just because my nervous system has a muzzle on my communication half the time. If I come off as dull or blunt sometimes - I think what really matters anyway in the sense of likability or being seen as having class anyway is your ability to show self-assurance and sincerely laugh things off regardless; I had tried that in the past but it was always a front and that's finally starting to go away.
At this point in the game, like its quite often been, while I have close friends and acquaintances, I'm really down to let things with a lot of acquaintances slide. I get the feeling that with some of my friends, that constantly trying and putting myself out there (wearing myself the hell down and barely enjoying it unless I was drunk, at best just to have stories at work and feel like I was part of the group) I may have people starting to decide that I'm not the type of guy they can identity with or be around anymore. That and while people may have things to say about me, criticisms, complaints, I'm at that point where if its behind my back or even on the other side of the room - finally I could care less; I finally feel like I can let go of owning every single thing that my physiology does to me as if I owe the world so much proof that I'm okay. Out of nowhere, strangely, my self-assurance has come up unconditionally just in the sense that its gotten a grip around my reality, for what it is, and it isn't centered around my own social performance - I'm really glad of that just because its a huge step for me in terms of my own emotional health and one that I knew that I would have to take in order to be able to really go on with life, evolve, mature, etc.
The other part, I've felt like my social circle has been stifling me for some time - again, more socially dominant NT's, I end up being semi-quiet and ignored half the time, and the sorts of women they hang with or won't hang with, the places they'll go or won't go, the social influence that they have with me and vice a versa when we're out - I think it takes the best cards that I have, naturally, out of my hand when it comes to this (they're players and unfortunately the types of women they're around are just as much in the narcissism game, they have em pegged right - I however am stuck completely out of my element) and keeps me in this cramped act while where I'm fine doing it some of the time it would be a real problem if I let that be the rest of my life or even the majority of it. Truthfully though, as much as I've put away and have been able to change myself - me letting go just means that I'd rather play cards with my dad and relatives on Fridays than go to a house party, would rather sit here and play Guild Wars today than go to a frat party downstate (offered and declined), and for some reason - maybe its the 40 hour per week office job just getting to me, I'd rather sit here and do nothing a lot of times if I'm not working out and just enjoy my alone time rather than having people constantly competing for that time and having to, of course, put on the NT act when I'd really much rather kick back and try to enjoy life as best I can and how I can. I know myself, I know my friends, and while I'm not trying to shut them out I'd rather do some cleaning and during this time where I have to, for the sake of preserving my own energy levels and emotional health, kind of cut myself off from people maybe 60 or 70% of the time, I want to see who hangs and respects that change and who doesn't. I can't live my life on someone else's terms, its stupid to do so, but at the same time while I've only done that to where it suited me in my own mind that time has past and I think I'm really ready to move on to another phase of my life. I'm 28, they're still living like they're in their early 20's and I think will be well into their 30's - feels like a bit of a wasteland to me at times as well but, regardless, I need positive change for myself and that's the most important thing.
24 May 2008, 10:23 am
