I feel like crap...

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I feel like crap because I feel like I've been lied to all my life. I'm 25... and boy have I had mostly a rough 25 years. But I was happy in college "ignorance is bliss" I had a few friends that didn't think I was too wierd and reminded me of me. Now that I know about AS, am about 90% sure of it myself and I'm going to set up an appointment, I now see the AS traits in those friends... And based on the reaction of my best friend, she knew, I fell at the same time they didn't want me to end up like I am now, but I also feel if I only knew earlier I would have been happier by now. I mean, the guy I liked so much cause he shared my interest... when I first met him he excitdly listened to my long rants, then for some reason shunned me... maybe cause he figured out I didn't know?

And then there is the hospital. Who misdxed me. Put me on anti-psychs that did horrible things. How can they be so ignorant, and at the same time tell me I was crazy? How many people with AS are getting dxed wrong, put on drugs that make their tics and stims and anxiety worse and end up in that horrible hospital forever. Based on what my family has been saying all these years, this happened to my mom and she died young.

I feel like most people knew, but figured I would be better off not knowing. But at the same time, I had no clue why I was so different, and didn't know why I either couldn't get most jobs, or in a couple cases I had severe meltdowns on jobs and didn't know why I reacted that way to stress.

And on top of that, I realize how I've been acting all these years pribably screemed "Aspergers, but doesn't know it" or "mental case"

These are the very feelings that sent me to the hospital in Nov. I can tell my functioning has diminished quite a bit, now I'm acting very Aspie-ish, even the tic in my right hand came back, and I can normally handle resurants but one almost triggered a meltdown today.

Don't worry, not suicidal, I just want to stop feeling like crap and I want to know more about what I can do to prevent more people like this from being trapped in a psych ward.

I feel like in the perfect world, peoole would tell us about our wonderful gifts early, educate us about meltdowns and ways to be more social... oh and bullies aren't being literal, if they want to but never in a million years say we were "crazy" or anything negative at all.

I felt good about myself and was doing well at one point, I just want my normal functioning back... for example I learned over the years to not interrupt, but now I have found I have lost that ability, I want it back.

Had to rant... fell a bit better now.

^^^^^^^^
What he said.

Actually I'm a she.

Also based on how some reacted back then, I have a feeling that AS is sort of like some sort of "secret", but people talk about it in a way that NTs don't pick up on, but other Aspies do, mostly the Aspies that are very high-functioning. I feel like maybe I was easily accepted in this club cause they thought I knew. a secret.

But I was admitted to the psych ward for ranting about "the secret" so I hope it is a valid idea and not a sign I should go to the hosp. unless the hospitals know about this and think "keep crazy, pay lots of money for meds..." yikes, am I getting paranoid too? I need sleep...