Just another suicide case hidden beneath the chains.

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I know I should have posted this when I first started thinking of suicide nonstop. Or when I wanted to die because I thought the world would never get better. Or when I tried to dehydrate myself to death with salt.

But now I have to admit to those things and cry over it now.

I just don't know what to do. Some of you may have seen my post in "Dear 'you' from 'me'". If you didn't...

(((((((((((((((Nairin)))))))))))))

It sounds like you are very depressed... do you have anyone to talk to about all this? Does your school have a guidance counsellor?

Did Mr. Freak rape you? Because if he did, it'll take a while to work things out - one step at a time. My father verbally and emotionally abused me, and although I'm still incredibly damaged from what he did, I do see progress. I blame him now, not me...
Just work your hardest in therapy, and you WILL see a different, even if it seems small

Hello,

May be I should let you know first that I have not always known I was Autistic/Asperger's Syndrome. It was not well known that autistics can also have no delay in verbal skills so my parents never knew, and it was not known to me until I was in my late 50's.

I have been raped, too and more than once and by far more than one man. I know somewhat the way you are feeling. I also wished the worst for them, and had to heal from the betrayal, the violence and the shame. My worst feeling was that somehow I was complicit in the violation because I did not fight until I was dead to keep it from happening. Terror and low self esteem followed me for years, and kept me into that victim mentality, so I found myself easy pickings for anyone else that wanted to exploit the damage that had already been done.

I had no comfort, no counseling, no mental health facility. I was told to clean myself up and wait to see if I were pregnant, and if I were not to consider myself lucky. I was pregnant, though and carried the child until birth, when she was removed from my custody by the State. Over the years I lost several other children to miscarriage, due to an untreated sexually transmitted disease probably given to me by my first rapist.

I have a huge scar on my face, and my back aches daily from the fractures I put to my spine when I finally decided to violently kill myself by throwing myself off a bicycle. I did not die, but I carry the scars to this day. It was not my only suicide attempt. I also self medicated with alcohol and street drugs. I was a pretty miserable creature, I assure you.

My reason for telling you this is to urge you to use the facilities and people you have at your disposal to get treatment for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder as soon as possible. It is painful, true but oh! so necessary! If you had a boil I would urge you to lance it to let the pressure and infection out - so you may heal. You are precious, and what happened to you an outrage. But don't get stuck in the outrage! It is so tempting to wallow in it because no one can say you nay, no one can tell you how to feel and how much it terrifies you. It is the ultimate power trip as you can stay in your outrage and terror. And if you do, after a while it becomes your life, it starts to separate you out from others, especially as you start to see how it affects others as you reveal your story. Sometimes it can become the focal point of a whole life.

He already violated your body, don't let him hijack your life.

So, do what you have to do, no one can tell you what works for you. I wish you the best and hope you have people around you that can help you heal. Because that is the best part of what I wanted to tell you! It will never be like it was before, but it will be over one day. One day, after you have worked and worked on it, you will notice that something else has started to bud in your life. And you will then know what I am desparately trying to convey to you now.

That you are actually OK. And it really doesn't get any better than that!


Merle

(((((((((((((((((((Nairin)))))))))))))

Pretty name, is it celtic?

Im sorry to read about what he has done to you. I am not sure what to write that could be helpful. Have you thought about what you will do now? There are many options available, there may be a rape crisis centre in your area. I wish I had some good advice, anyway I hope you take care of yourself and keep posting, this is a good support board.

C
~

I can't be sure that I'm safe. I can only hope. And he wasn't made to suffer.

I'm not sure what I'm going to do now. I'll probably talk with my counselors about it, because when I wanted to die, I was bottling things up inside.

Um, also... He didn't get me pregnant.

Also, the name Nairin is just something I came up with. It's my character's name.

But thank you all for helping so far. It's good to know that there are people who survived.

I'm just bumping this because stuff's messing up again.

So, I've been having six mild panic attacks a day. I was actually taken off of my Anxiety medication by an idiot doctor who thought I was schizophrenic. I'm not schizophrenic - every other doctor says I'm not. He said I didn't need it. But now I've been going through this stuff, and I'm wondering if it was the medicine or Mr. Freak?

Also, I told one of my friends about Mr. Freak in the middle of a conversation. We went on with our conversation because I didn't want to drag on my depression, but I was shaking and stuff.

And then my other friend mentioned him later. I just... started screaming. And crying.

I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like I mess everything up. That everything that happens to my friends is my fault.

Wow, a lot of stuff going on.
Having an idiot for a psychiatrist can make things worse.
You definitely are suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder, and anxiety.

It sounds like now would be a good time to get help from your team now. If you don't yet have a good psychiatrist, ask around for a referral to a really good one. That might help. I am a pro-med person just so you know - if you are not into medications then ignore my advice. What works wonders for my anxiety is elavil, which is a tricyclic antidepressant, but when I take it at night it helps me sleep, and removes about 80% of all daytime anxiety and panic attacks. Apparently Temple Grandin also swears by her tricyclic for helping her to function. Elavil is not habit-forming or addictive or anything like that.

And your safety - no wonder you're having anxiety - if you're not completely safe from this person. Your support team should be told to ensure your complete safety from this guy.

I just got a good psychiatrist. She wants to get to know me before changing my medication.