Concerned About My Treatment of a Friend

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I have had a friend for about four or five years now. We used to have some great times together, but eventually he actually started to threaten my life on several occasions. Eventually, I started telling him I was going to be busy when he called, because he really did frighten me. However, he's enlisted in the USMC now and I'm just sending him a card and some money etc. I feel bad about the whole avoiding him though, regardless of what he did to me, especially considering the circumstances. That being said, I know that he hasn't changed.

Uh, dumb question, but WHY are you sending him money? The guy sounds like he is a loose cannon. Threatening your life is not acceptable unless you threatened him (in which case it is self-defense).

You seem to feel responsible for something here. When a person take advantage of you, or mistreats you, you have absolutely NO responsibility for continuing the realationship. He needs to own up to his misbehaviour. He will continue to mistreat you, and take advantage of you until you call it quits.

You need to take care of yourself, and that means emotionally as well as physically. You need to say no to negative influences in your life. Just because you've known someone for a long time does NOT mean they have any power over your life in any way. You do not owe them anything if they treat you badly. Period.

...and he won't change. I don't want to come off as judgemental, but this will only make things more miserable. Threatening is a big RED FLAG.

You shouldn't feel obligated to associate with a person regardless if he threatens you which to me is a very good reason to avoid him . But that's your choice, I used to be in some of the same situations, I thought after they'd apologise, they would no longer do what they did but it turned into an insane patter. It got rough from there on. I did learn a valuable lesson and that is people aren't always what they seem. Sometimes it takes a long long time before you see their true colors.

I don't want to sound nosey or anything and you don't have to answere but why on earth are you sending him money??

You know there's the type of people who get mad and take it out on others and there's the type of people who take it out on themselves which is what sounds like you, I hope you don't take offense to this. Again though, that's your choice.

Another thing I learned is the meaning of the word insanity which is to repeat the same mistakes over and over again with the expectations of different outcomes. Statistically, an adult who abuses another are much less likely to change their damaging ways and when they do, it's an ongoing process like alcoholism. That's why in domestic cases, they encourage the partner to leave their spouse after one episode any incident of abuse. I don't know why this is but they are much more likely to do it again I guess b/c the damage has already been done. The same thing for the abused who typically stay in these chaotic relationships. They tend to gravitate toward the abusers. It's called co-dependency. I would reccomend you read about that and see if it isn't you.

I say this because I've been in Women's Shelters and Rehabs and it took a while, but I got a lot outta those programs and the regular people who shared their stories.

BTW, when I use the word abuse I don't just mean physical. There are many forms of abuse such as verbal, physical, economic, sexual, and psychological abuse which sounds like you're friend if he threatened you. Psychological abuse is the most complicated form of abuse of aggression. Many may be confused of where the line is drawn. It usually includes harassments, mind games, breaking promises, and withholdments of approval and affection. There's a certain degree to some of these but if you feel hurt by what they do, than it's probably most likely them and not you.

I was in a similar situation once. He also went in the military. While he was gone, I basically (eventually) woke up and relaized how unlike myself I'd become. (He was super controling.) I decided to get out of that, he siad he'd kill me if I left him. Finally I just said the hell with it.

Looking back, (much older and wiser now) I seriously doubt he would have hurt me, it was just a controlling thing. But I believed him at the time.
And my parents liked him, were giving me trouble for avoiding him. Go figure.