A bit of an update. I went on holiday unbelievably stressed - and a couple of days in I had completely forgotton about work and was happier than Id been for ages! Made me realise how miserable my life here is. I was on a walking holiday, and the physical exercise, coupled with sun, fantastic scenary and the sense of achievement in completing a step each day, really took all other concerns away.
Since coming back to work, the old depression has come back in. However, I made a decision on holiday - instead of going to Germany which I was dreading (it was a good lab and an interesting project, but I was so scared of being lonely and unhappy there), I have decided to go back to the UK - back home! And although I am still depressed a lot of the time about how unsuccessful my work and social life has been here in France, I have had moments of intense excitement thinking about what I might do next.
At the moment it is looking like I might be able to go back and work in Sheffield, which is where I did my PhD (where I was successful) and where I still have the only real good friends I possess outside my family. I have stopped caring about my career so much (although there are good labs there so no need to be ruining that), and after speaking to my boss here, it is still possible that we could publish something. He is acting a bit awkward with me since I told him of the negative developments in my work, and is obviously disappointed, but I am considering now that my time here has been an incredible experience, even though it didnt turn out like my dreams. And I am not sure any more that I want to get high up in science - I am quite happy doing my own small project and changing every few years to a new one.
So things are looking quite hopeful, even though I still spend a lot of my time wishing that I was dead in between being excited (it would just be easier).
Thanks for all your comments and replies. It was really useful to me at the time and I appreciate them a lot.
18 Jul 2008, 2:16 pm
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