I can't even call the suicide hotline :(

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because they never heard what AS is so they nudge and nudge to go out and meet people, they won't accept that it's impossible for me to make friends.

I just wish God would take me now, I can't stand life any more. All I asked was to not lose my sight and my computer. Now I can't see, I'm losing my sight and there's no solution in sight, and I don't have a computer anymore and even though I'm fired from work and can't find another one, my boss calls me every few minutes with more and more demands, as if I could care about work anymore.

I just can't go on any longer. I've nobody to talk to, nobody comes to me with their problems, I've nobody to go to with mine.

I paid $30 for a group bike ride in the park tonight, and the SECOND it started they set off so quickly I lost them at the very start, didn't see where they turned, and they didn't even care. I therefore lost my $30 and went home crying, hardly seeing anything. I can't believe how uncaring people are, even when they're trying to establish themselves in the market as bike tour leaders.

People are so cruel.

look for your state sucice hotline, if you are under 25, there is a show called dawson mcallister live, you can talk about this, hope you get better. dawson mcallister

She lives in Israel

So you called the national hotline, right?

Odd, they never heard of AS.

And Btw, it's not your fault that your boss is a piece of s**t and you are so strong for putting up with her.

I know work abuse, I been there, just go home and do something wonderful like listen to music or whatever.

And no I am not pressuring you to go on a bike ride or meet new friends or people or whatever, in fact i am not pressuring you whatsover.

Your boss is a piece of s**t, not you.

Take it easy and take a deep breath.

There are moments when we feel completely ovewhelmed and everything feels as if it's bad, always been that way, and always will be. It's just how your brain is working at the moment. It won't be that way always.

I know things seem hopeless now, but there is hope. There will come a time when you'll feel differently about things.

Maybe you should go to your doctor. If you are suffereing from depression, there is help. The meds help your brain chemistry re-establish, and you can work on the things that are causing you trouble. AS or not, you can live a productive happy life. Don't give up.

I am disabled, and have AS, stick with it...

Not even the anti-depressants are helping today.

I can't believe getting a ventilator fixed in a laptop is a feat that can only be accomplished with a combination of a lot of money, a lot of patience, a lot of waiting, a lot of running around, a lot of luck, a lot of phone calls, a lot of cajoling, a lot of yelling and threatening, and a lot of the right connections. It's a project that can take years of arduous work. And the computer was my only solace in life.

Can you tell me why you need a ventilator. You do need to go to your doctor, and you need to change or increase your dose of antidepressants to help you to cope with your situation at the moment. Losing your job and adapting your life without work is no easy task.

I have an idea that might help you. If you want - PM me.

I do recommend you ring for support, if you haven't already done this.

maybe I should increase the amount of anti-depressants at this stage.

The best people in my life appeared in the strangest of ways... rarely peers, these were strangers, students, shopkeepers that I encountered that somehow enmeshed in my messy brain. Impossible is a dangerous word; while it is a great challenge, do not dismiss possibility. Personally, I'd enjoy being able to share a cup of tea with you.

The pain of living is ever-present... first, tell your boss to stick it. You're fired, you're out-of-work, and he is not your problem anymore. Like a bad relationship, it is time to move on and get away from the toxic hell. What sort of work are you seeking? Are you tied down geographically? The vent and vision... can the vent be repaired in the interim to allow you to continue working and your freedom? I'm not familiar with any problems with your sight; if you wish to share, please do. Losing senses is difficult; I'm losing some hearing, which as a musician is a terrifying idea... but strangely, I'm able to write music more easily now. Never would have guessed or predicted that one.

Find someone to talk to. Here, a neighbor, a hotline, something. Don't edit yourself. Babble, scream, get it out. The bike group sounds like a real let down. Was is a competitive group, instead of a leisure ride? I would be asking for my money back, to be honest. Has your diet changed recently? Could affect how the anti-depressants are working, as a side note... my metabolism causes all sorts of pharma-fun in my life.

Keep breathing! And keep us up to date; will be thinking about you this afternoon.


M.

I'm usually extremely strong and resourceful, but this is more than I can cope with. We all have limits, and I've reached mine.

I was still able to cope when I had the solace of my computer and cigarettes, but now I have to give up smoking, no sweet or salty food, no computer, no job, no friends, declining sight without a solution, an operation possibly soon, more operations in the future, and I'm on steroids, high dosage and it's not working. And I spend all day in tests, doctors, health services offices for this paper, that other paper, this test, that test. It's driving me crazy. Full time job.

And I haven't been fired yet, I only know I'm being fired because I heard it from the job agencies my boss is using to look for my replacement. So I don't even know why I'm being fired. I'd given my all to the company and my job, working 11-12 hours a day. I talked to HR today AGAIN - and again they promised to try and talk my boss out of firing me, but said that my boss has the right to fire me if he doesn't like me, and nobody can interfere with that decision.

Does Israel have no disability rights programs. Here, you can take a temporary leave from a job for medical needs, (and you mental health is a medical need)...it also makes it harder for a company to fire you because it is discrimination. I have been in similar situation...lost my job and was a month away from being homeless in MN(very cold state in US) in February. I had a "shut down" or psychotic break from the stress and would have died had some nice person not intervened to get me help.

Check out all your local resources for social services. I thought Israel was supposed to be a compassionate country?

Social services tell you to look for a new job, be nice so you won't get fired next time, and join groups to make friends. They don't know nor want to know about AS and the limitations it causes in one's ability to hold down a job or a friend. For social services I'm perfectly healthy and skilled and able to take excellent care of myself.

When a country shoots Darfurian refugees and Palestinians, how can you expect it to be compassionate?

Secondly, what you need Greentea, is some good old-fashioned love and affection?

Don't you have any friends to talk to, animals to cuddle, etc?

mmm I'd struggle with the lack of smokes, but if you're having surgery you gotta. Smoking delays would healing and lotsa surgical related problems can arise from it. You can always take it up again after healing.

I don't know why the boss is still calling you, next time she calls ask her if you still have a job or not. If she says no, hang up.

Maybe it's the antidepressants that are affecting you, some of those antidepressants actually make people suicidal.

Whens the surgery scheduled for?

In the face of all those changes... you're doing well. I think I would have popped long before. Doctors' offices are rather overwhelming to begin with, then with all the racing thoughts... Erf. The eyesight deterioration must be terrifying; are there other options, locales, that would allow for a second opinion? Are there computer programs that would assist in using the computer if vision becomes an overwhelming problem?

I'm not sure of your career path; are there any alternatives to allow you immediate employment to get out from under this web of deception and discomfort? The job situation sounds like gasoline on the whole mixture.


M.

Greentea,

I have been through many of the situations you are describing: job loss, serious health issues, computer problems at the wrong time, suicidal idiations, antidepressant feedback (as in Roaoaraadiraewporiaidf;a!), boss threatening to fire me, no friends, loss of few I had, family untrustable, all of them happening at once, overwhelmed, psych professionals totally failing on me. I made it through them to a time when I could say I was truly happy. Right now I am having some issues, but they're manageable now, I know I can get back to the happy. As for my job, I have made up to as much as 5 times more than I made at the job I lost (that was in management though, and I didn't want to sell my soul, as that company required), so now I make a mere 3 1/2 times the salary of the job I lost. With persistnce, I have made all my health issues at least manageable. I wonder if your eye thing could be a stress reaction?

Just stay with your breath and unravel things one by one. The most important first. Are you getting your resume ready, or gathering your work history etc, so you can apply for jobs. It sounds like this is what you should be doing. How bad is the eyesight failing? Maybe that is first to attend to. But when I saw my job threatened once I went to Human Resources and complained that my boss was creating a hostile work environment for me. Don't believe them when they say that she can fire you any time she wants. People sue for wrongful firing all the time, but they want you to believe you can't. Where are you located? In the states, it is illegal to fire for mental disorder. Talk to a lawyer, maybe if you tell her you have Asperger's she won't be able to fire you legally. But if you ultimately do get fire, you'll get unemployment, right? This might be a well deserved break to look for a better job, because you definitely don't want to be working for someone who doesn't want you. You deserve better.

Anyway, if there is any particular issue you want to know how I dealt with, either ask here or pm me.

I just went back and saw that you are in the Middle East, is that literal or like Middle East US--because your English is so good. What are your real possibilities one by one. Hang in there. Hope to hear about the steps you take along the way.

I just feel so humiliated. Going to work everyday when everyone knows they're looking for someone to replace me and I'm left out of everything (didn't even get an annual review like everyone else did) as if I was already fired but I'm not fired yet and nothing has been said to me directly. I have to continue doing my best because I asked HR to ask my boss to give me a second chance, yet I have no motivation because of how my boss ignores me and treats me like I was already fired. And I even don't know why.

Then I spent a whole week trying to get my laptop repaired, and it's like I was begging for a free favor, when I was actually being asked for more than 3 times what it should cost, and they didn't even repair it. A vent costing over 300 dollars?! !! And they were so nasty, treating me like they were doing it for free. In the end I broke down and took my laptop home, still not repaired. It should take a minute to do the job, but after 1 week they still hadn't gotten round to even telling me what the problem was with the vent. And they refused to tell me in the end too.

And about my sight, the doctors tell me the first operation will cause even more restricted sight (but it's necessary to save the eye nerve), so they're not really offering any solution to the problem of my sight going down.

Job applications: the job agencies won't even tell me who they send my CV to, so I get all these calls from employers looking for someone to do cold calls - which is hell for an Aspie; I can't do sales!! !! Then the job agencies get all pissed at me for not accepting the jobs.

And I lost it finally tonight when I was totally ignored by the leader of the park ride, after having paid so much money. And my boss calling me on my cell every few minutes to demand I do this and that. And not even being able to smoke. All my usual sources of solace / support have been taken from me. And I don't even have time to look for a job much, because I'm busy with eye tests and hospital paper work all the f.... day.