I JUST WANT TO DIE

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I cannot and will not cut parts of who I am away and throw them into the dirt. I refuse to become anything other that who I am, my empathy shall stay as it is. What I do need is someone to tell me how to channel it, and control it not how to butcher it up because everyday it grows one day it could consume me.

Well responded. It's going to take you some time and plentyful dissapointment, though this loss of will to live will waver, and with research, seeking, recollection, meditation and serious perseverence, not to mention age, you will gain greater insight and finally gather some intellectual sense of perspective. Good luck to you, you do not need to be mocked just now, you show a pure character and depth of thought which in a kinder world would not be scorned by cinics. I was like you and will protect those like you in my life, and my children if that occurs, from suffering the same turmoil I experienced. It's guidance I craved, I suggest reading, philosophy, classics, poetry.

"Are you sure you have Asperger's? I didn't know of Aspies being so sensitive and empathetic."

Well I most certainly am, my perceived lack of empathy was mainly attributable to countless dissapointments, hypersensitivity to my surroundings. To never emotionally experience the world of a NT leaves you vulnerable to the intellectual realities surrounding their behaviour. Often appearing hopelessly illogical and cruel. My naivity killed off most of my sympathy for others. I trusted too easily, believing in the goodness of every person. It has taken me years to fully comprehend the human ability to allow or inflict suffering in order to serve a selfish means. I used to want for things, but I coudln't bare to have someone suffer on my behalf in order that I gain. Paradoxically, a comment that you should take heed of, "No good action is free from self-satisfaction." 'Saving' others for self-gratification also hinders emotional/intellectual equilibrium.

An example from life experience would be failing to report my educational strifes and the bullying my stepfather inflicted, as I felt this would ensure my mothers happiness and my differences remain inconspicuous. I later took out my misery on my mothers for her poor descision, it took her years to see as I did. They stayed together, I didn't receive treatment, lost the connection with my mother irrevokably. I should have served my own means, spoken up, perhaps been re-homed if my mother did not take heed.

No matter what happens to others, to yourself, suffering is a global phenominon. We are a product of our choices. Serving your better interests is ultimately the way of the world and we must focus on our goals, attempting to block out the suffering of those around us on such a disabling level, instead assisting when and where we can. Lamen advice i know, 'easier spoken than applied.' I hope things pick up, they did for me with a return to self-support.

Favoured poems for you to consider...

XCIV

They that have power to hurt, and will do none,
That do not do the thing they most do show,
Who, moving others, are themselves as stone,
Unmoved, cold, and to temptation slow;
They rightly do inherit heaven's graces,
And husband nature's riches from expense;
They are the lords and owners of their faces,
Others, but stewards of their excellence.
The summer's flower is to the summer sweet,
Though to itself, it only live and die,
But if that flower with base infection meet,
The basest weed outbraves his dignity:
For sweetest things turn sourest by their deeds;
Lilies that fester, smell far worse than weeds.

Ignorance
Philip Larkin

"Strange to know nothing, never to be sure
Of what is true or right or real,
But forced to qualify or so I feel,
Or Well, it does seem so:
Someone must know.

Strange to be ignorant of the way things work:
Their skill at finding what they need,
Their sense of shape, and punctual spread of seed,
And willingness to change;
Yes, it is strange,

Even to wear such knowledge - for our flesh
Surrounds us with its own decisions -
And yet spend all our life on imprecisions,
That when we start to die
Have no idea why."

Last edited by Jenk on 31 Aug 2008, 5:36 pm, edited 2 times in total.

Anubis and Awesomelyglorious you both are buying into that stereotypical crap that aspie people are not that empathetic.

When I was little you know under four years of age my biological mother chocked me, after a few minutes I died my heart stopped and everything by all account I was dead. I don't know how called 911 (ambulance, police, fire department for those of you in countries beside the US) but they were able to save my life thankfully. Now when I was died my body separated from my soul and my soul entered into heaven where I saw Jesus and sat on his lap and asked him “why do I have to go back”.

After that incident and my mother marrying a convicted sex offender and there being evidence of molestation I was taken out of the home and adopted by my current and true parents. I had been living with them off and on as their foster child so it was a dream come true because I loved them very much and still do. However life was not all that good I still was suffering from the abuse and neglect my mom inflicted on me. I was an angry child I could be quite calm one minute then a raging demon from deepest hottest most vile fiery pits of hell. I

My rage held me back in many ways I had almost no friends growing up maybe one or two at a time but as time went on I drifted from them I did make new friends but I never did have a lot of friends I had perhaps a maximin of 8 friends at one time between the ages of 5-18. It was not that I didn't like to hand out talk to friends, and all that stuff it was I couldn't make friends. I remember I thought I was being punished, or I was perhaps just unlucky but I really knew why I didn't have friends I was different and not different like special just different. I thought differently, acted differently and had matured in an odd manner.


When I entered into high school it was like I had been devoured and swallowed into the belly of hell. I hated it and I hated the majority of the people their in fact I despised most of them. Slowly being in high school started to eat at me I became depressed and I started to cut myself I even cut myself in the middle of class, my legs or arms would be bloody and it looked someone had tried to kill me. Things didn't get better they just spiraled further downwards on several occasions I tried to commit suicide and several occasions I wanted to take a shotgun to school and kill as many of them as possible.

During the darkest days I wished that i was an eunuch (a man or boy who has lost his testicles you know castration) because I was sexually attracted those who caused me pain. I also already felt incomplete because my penis had been mutilated (my foreskin was removed without my consent) so I thought I would never find someone to love me seeing how I had been mutilated and I didn't want to feel sexually attracted to those around me because I thought none of them would ever want to mate with me so I wanted the cause of my sex drive gone.

I was put in a mental hospital where I become more and more depressed. Hours passed nothing to do, I had been torn away from my roommate because I was a homosexual. All patients were left in there rooms for hours at a time and because I had no roommate so I was quite board and lonely which led to suffering, pain and a deeper darker depression. I remember I was angry and was verbally fighting with another patient and was sent to my room, where they left me for about thirty minutes. One of the people that worked at the mental hospital came in and asked me on a scale from one to ten how angry I was, and I told him a ten. Well when I said a ten about 15 people rushed in and pretty much tackled me restraining me while someone yanked my pants down and gave me a shot in the rear. Now I didn't take kindly to being restrained nor the shot so I bit one hard enough to bring blood so they took and restrained me to my bed. The people left me restrained to my bed for over a hour and I was as mad a hornet who just got hit with a fly swatter. When I left the mental hospital I was worse than ever and they put me on Bi-polar medication cause that is what they thought I had. The medication stole my humanity, my kindness, my empathy, love, and heightened my anger, malice, sadness which caused me to become more violent than ever before while making more suicidal than ever.

Several years passed and my depression didn't get any better and my parents put me in a group home. I hated the place but some of the staff was really cool and it had three other guys so I was happy from a sexual stand point. However the group home never helped me I helped myself the had five levels orientation, level one, level two, level three, and level four, I never got past level one and spent 90% of my time there at orientation, but I received so to speak. At the group home the started to notice that I didn't really fit the bi-polar diagnosis in fact I acted in a similar to someone with autism. I was sent to a specialist and he said no you don't have it and sent me on my way in about oh 20 min. No one involved believed that doctor even tried to diagnose me.


Well anyways I moved back with my shortly after seeing that crazy nut job doctor. I was pretty scared I had felt quite secure being in the group home even though me and one of the staff members went at it like vinegar and baking soda or some crazy crap like that. Well I started to feel much better after I met my therapist Doctor L. She was and still is the best therapist I have ever had she is 100% human.


I had a lot going on all the time, I was neglected, abused, in so many ways and I never wanted it to happen to another I vowed I would fight so others need not suffer as I did.

You certainly can, but if you won't, then that is your choice. Really though, if you are in so much agony, I doubt you could do much good, and if the point of this feeling is to do good, then for the sake of that feeling it should be reduced to something manageable.

Hm... I don't think that if you are that extremely empathetic, that you can channel or control this without reducing it. Although fire may be useful, such as in combustion engines, few people think forest fires should rampage on because of that fact.

The issue is that no emotion that strong can allow for stability, by it's forceful nature it will disrupt your mind. You thus must weaken that emotion, and allow for other emotions to grow and counter-balance the effects of the original emotion. If you allow for that emotion to run unchecked, it will do nothing more than wreck you, because it is strong enough and it has no other institution to prevent it from doing so. This means you will have to change the composition of your emotions, and ultimately reduce your empathy(both reduction and counter-balancing will have this effect). I recognize you are tied to your empathy, however, do you have an idea of how to control or channel it while keeping it just as powerful? Nobody else in this thread really seems to think so as they basically tell you to weaken the instinct so that it could potentially be turned off.











I mean, you can try to find your own way through the world. I encourage you to read and learn philosophy and psychology, perhaps poetry and literature(I am not good at those subjects) as Jenk suggested so as you can come to your own conclusion. I don't think that you will really find a way to control the issue without effectively reducing it. I can understand the position: "I cannot and will not cut parts of who I am away and throw them into the dirt. I refuse to become anything other that who I am" as your identity is based around these concepts and to destroy them can be like destroying part of yourself, but you are being destroyed, therefore, this problem needs to be ended for your sake and for the sake of any love or kindness.

No, I don't see any of that. I even suffered from extremes of empathy in the midst of a depression, and still, I often duck out when characters are doing something embarrassing(movies or tv shows) because I feel so uncomfortable watching them do this.


Then fight, don't suffer. Try to carve out a stable emotional feeling though, as your quest will be long and difficult, and a wreck of a being will not be able to deal with it.

[quote="Awesomelyglorious"]
No, I don't see any of that. I even suffered from extremes of empathy in the midst of a depression, and still, I often duck out when characters are doing something embarrassing(movies or tv shows) because I feel so uncomfortable watching them do this.
[quote]

Haha, same.

Well you dingbats are just as empathetic as Hitler was to the Jews at least some things are constant. The human mind is one of the most power things in the universe something like empathy is just a portion of the mind, thus through logical thinking and the force of will one can carve a river bed and allow it to flow through, but such a feat is easier to say than to do. It will take time and my prefrontal cortex has yet to mature fully, that is the area of higher thinking and logic.

So... we want to kill you??

Not only that, but empathy is part of your brains emotions, which is where the instability is. The entire issue is simply to prevent a disturbance in your emotions such that it causes you pain. I do not see how better logic will help you with that, nor do I really see how this pain is necessarily subject to willpower.

Difficult situation....I looked into Haven because my 13 year old grandson just lost a schoolfriend through Suicide and is trying to come to terms with this so early in his life...most of the comments here are subjective, my understanding is that any kind of resolution/solution is based on the sickness, no matter how noble the thought.

Aspergers and Empathy. Some research suggests that Aspergers have an above normal level of empathy. My question is: What do you do with it? What can PhilosopherBoi do with all that Empathy? Attempts at a utilitarian 'usefulness' are not the answer. How to find expression, how to release all this Empathic emotion? We are dumb, paralysed, and unable to act except to see...

Anubis, with all due respect what you are proposing are subjective Bourgeois Platitudes. You probably mean well and may be based on personal experience but thats about it, personal experience, nothing more. Whether you respect someone or not for taking their life is of no importance to anyone except to yourself. What appears 'trivial' to you may be the most important event of someones elses life, the final straw.

philospherBoi: Thinking will get you only so far, sooner or later you will hit a wall. I agree with the comments that you will have to find your own way. From what I can see in your writing you don't love ourself, you have no empathy for yourself or your own suffering. And I don't meant self pity. Even pity for others is suspect, it drains all your energy into the 'other' and leaves nothing for yourself.

If you felt empathy or compassion for yourself you would not contemplate killing yourself just as you would not consider killing an animal or human being because you feel empathy for them and their suffering. Calling people dingbats or comparing them to Hitler is not very intelligent or empathic. Everyone on this Forum suffers to a greater or lesser degree. Does that surprise you?


I am not offering a solution. That's all I have to say here.


Katze

'We are arrant knaves, all....believe none of us'

I know what that feels like. I feel like there's so much pain in the world that needs to be stopped. Like the world is completely unfair. Survival of the fittest is natural, but it's still painful to watch the pain of the world. So why are we letting it happen?

I have to say, DO NOT DIE. I felt like I needed to die, but I got through it. And I'm in the planning stages of something that'll be a help to the world. It won't solve world hunger or anything, but every step counts. If you want to, maybe you can help the world by donating to charities or even something bigger, like planning out your own organization or something. It might help, and you'd be helping the people that are in pain.