what do i do

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i've posted about this before but i'm more looking for advice. and some support as to whether i should voluntarily hospitalize myself.

i don't care about surviving anymore, and i am not conscious of the reasons why i am posting this, but i am doing it anyways. i don't care if it upsets my family, i don't care if it severs any chances of happiness, and i don't care to fool myself anymore into hoping that those chances exist.

every time i try to connect with someone, they reject me. i hate my job, and my coworkers hate me. i don't have any friends. every attempt i make to try to improve my life is destroyed before i can even execute my plans. i can't pay my bills on time and i am constantly living off expired food. i have no support anywhere, whatsoever. i drink quite frequently to avoid dealing with silence when i get home from work, which is a bad day 99% of the time. i can't follow through on anything that i promise people, even if i have every intention of doing so. i have comorbid clinical depression that has ravaged me since childhood, and i don't have the strength to fight it anymore. i haven't been on medication in 11 years, save for trying Luvox a few months back and not being able to tolerate it.

seriously, if there is going to be a day, today would be it. i need to disappear.

It sounds like you are very aware of your problems, and they are intense and adversely affecting you - if you think you need help, listen to yourself and get it now. There are stages and degrees, try to find the right one for you. Will be glad to talk here if you would like.


M.

You just hang on and see what happens.

Look at it this way, what happens after passing could be so much worse so while your here take on a study of what a rotten mess this place is; how it could be better;...and then report to the legislature.

See, if you were dead, you'd have dumb guys like T.A.P.S. coming around to poke you with a stick and not even treating you like you were ever a concious being of your own. Now that's eternity.

Take this short time that you have and see what can be done with it. Go back to pleasure in small things. Get some movies. Get a pet. Get a dog to tackle about. Get some sea air and watch some bugs or cloud formations. Feel something.

Stay away from those complicated non classifyable hominoids-until you find your nook in them wherever ifever that may be.

try switching to alcohol tea. It at least combats your drinking problem with a lighter/different clearer type of drunk than say beer or rum and cokes; besides the antioxidents in the tea are helpful and the queen likes tea.

Best advice I can give is to try and find things to distract yourself for awhile, but don't challenge you to the extent that you'll feel even worse. Video games, going to a show, watching movies, sleeping, exercise with uber-loud music...something. I know it's easier said than done, but trying to stick with simple, repetitive tasks is about the only thing that's gotten me through the past month. If your depression is similar to mine, maybe it'll eventually subside enough for you to at least feel semi-functional again.

Hope you find something.