Recently my ferret, Waffle, had to spend almost a week in and out of vet's offices. He wasn't eating or drinking anything, and because he's just about 2 pounds, it affected him faster than it might affect a larger animal or human. He scared the crap out of me, freaking out and spitting up anything I gave him. I had convinced myself that he was going to die but of course took him to the vet anyway.
After that week of vet visits, several stays overnight, hours spent in the waiting room and a switch to a new vet, we think we know what's wrong and it's simple to fix. Stomach surgery for my poor little, tiny boy. I felt better knowing it was going to be fixed and all would be well. But they get in and find it's not what they thought.. they take a biopsy and send it off to a lab while he heals. He comes home to me looking depressed, underweight, and half naked - they had to shave the fur off his belly and both arms.
Well we know the problem now, but it will be a lifelong battle to keep it under control. He will need meds every other day, if not every day. He also has another disease that will need constant care. He's already old for his breed of ferret, which is inbred and sometimes fragile.
He has not died, but I am so scared he will. I've dealt with very little death in my life. While I know that having more death around me would not make it easier, it would help me know how to handle it, at least. How to deal with the sharp pain of never seeing that person or animal again. I lost a few pets when I was younger, but they were never really mine.. I didn't care about them much and was in my own world at the time.
I recently did lose my cat, Chessie. She gave me a good 15 or 16 years. I got her when she was a tiny baby and I was in elementary school. She was always a constant for me, no matter how many times I moved, my kitty was there to sit in my lap and demand to be pet. But she succumbed to an unknown problem in her ovaries because she was never fixed. I was with her on the day we had her put down and I have her ashes in my room. That was months ago but I still cry when I think of how I'll never see her again.
I'm not really sure I'm equipped to handle this. I think of my ferret dying and I feel like I can't go on without him. I've only had him a year and a half but he's the most important thing in my life, along with my boyfriend. But they are connected, my boyfriend and I consider Waffle to be our only child. He would be upset, too, but he knows it's inevitable and can handle it. I'm afraid if I ever lose him I really will get suicidal and carry it out.
My logical side tells me that it will happen and I will need to deal with it. My emotional side tells me I can never lose him, I can't live without him and he needs to be immortal.
I know this is long and honestly I don't care if it's never read, I needed to get it out without having someone tell me I will have to deal with it. I know I will, I'm too logical to ignore that fact. I just don't know if I'll be able to.
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"Everything counts in large amounts."