GAH!

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This week has been difficult... I've ended up managing to upset a lot of people in my life, and not entirely sure how to handle that. So much is changing, and the new skills I am learning aren't integrating into my coping mechanisms at the pace I had hoped. I'm brittle, and irritable - and on top of that, dealing with a double whammy course of different antibiotics that has had me pacing most of this afternoon in discomfort and agitation. There is so much fear with the course I have chosen, yet so much hope. That fear has owned me for almost my entire life, and I am only know learning to recognize the piques of anger and reactivity that emerge when it overtakes me, and how damaging that is to those around me. The challenge now is to accept that, without turning it to blame of self, to avoid the common roles and find a new way of coping, of holding onto what is new and letting go of the old ways. I'm scared, and I'm tired. Discovering so many reactive habits that are destructive, and I'm not sure how to catch something I do not see until it has already reared its' ugly head. No one should have to go through my unpredictable nature of this week... I feel bad. Head is noisy, and I don't know where to plant my next step... perhaps things will look better in the morning.


M.

[Update]

Feel worse physically.
Feel better emotionally.
Still having issues trusting myself.


M.

You needn't, I sense your one of those individuals, whose spirit and intelligence will always see them to their rightful place. I hope things steady. Genuinly - such niceties don't tend to sit too well with me, feeling a tad vulnerable myself lately.

Last edited by Jenk on 21 Sep 2008, 4:19 pm, edited 1 time in total.

yes I have only been here a few times, and you are one of the people that stand out to me as having wisdom and insight.

So be encouraged.

what ever has happened, time will surely heal?

m.

Jenk: Vulnerable... yes. Unusual state for me, as I have always girded myself external commitments. With relationship, move, familial stresses, health - I think you found the perfect word. And being vulnerable is leaving me reactive instead of proactive, unable to control the outburst of temper and left apologizing in the aftermath. Thank you for your encouragement and kind words, and my wishes for your own return to comfort.

IADT: You flatter me; I'm blushing. I am trying to keep the long-term view in sight, but having trouble not spending all my time looking in the rear-view mirror. Time will heal the external wounds; I have faith that my partner and I are there for each other, even when we are bickering. But it is the internal that is so distressing, that in allowing myself to grow into who I am, I am relinquishing the controls I have had for so long. Listening to my body, instead of telling it what to do? That's a change in and of itself. Learning to accept that I cannot help everyone, listening to that haranguing preacher in my head telling me that I haven't lived up to my end of things... so much that I am grasping at, seeing elements but unable to compile. There are a series of lines on a page on my wall, a list of things learned that struck me and I kept it... one of them is: I've learned that love, not time, heals all wounds. Trying to love myself, for who I have been and who I am now.


M.

well I may not fully understand

but that sounds good........ love........

I have learnt that after my husband has lost control of himself.... he is sorry. But he never showS me that in a language that I understand. He will act inapropreately, his behaviour exasserbates the situation.

It is a hard one to swallow.

when we all come form different worlds.

your head seems full.

love is the only answer

m.

Cannot adequately explain, other than it is easy for me to get confused and miscommunicate that spirals on from there. Language is strange; there are so many. Of words, of tones, of touches and of poses... and so very many more. Now, I am trying to learn how to recognize that loss, the psychological and physiological changes that occur, to be aware and not allow it to take over... and when that does not occur, to right myself quickly, to learn to articulate the noise that overwhelms my head. My head and heart are better today, and continue to improve... physically - blech.


M.

I hope that the noise in your head settles and you can return to the sensitive man you know you can be.

Does being higher on "the specturm" make people more sensitive, exposed, vunerable.......

m.