how do i put down the shovel?

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hello world,

i have been lurking here for a long time. this is me reaching out to a community of people who understand somewhat what it means to have aspergers.

today my long term partner has had enough of me, too many melt downs, too much stress, its been a long time and things only get better very slowly, i only come to understand myself very slowly, whilst at the same time not being there for her as much as i should be, i love her with all my heart and our relationship has fallen apart because i hate myself. i don't know why, but i started hating myself, i started hating my limitations, three days ago i got a hair cut and i didnt even notice untill this morning, because i hate looking at myself in the mirror, i'm ashamed at what i see.
and then i went to the book store, and too embarrassed to buy the books i stole them, i got caught shoplifting self help books, the cops were pretty nice, i got my second warning.

last night i decided that i can't live like this any longer, i promised my girlfriend that i would never kill myself, so i never will. i only just recently figured out about how i hate myself, it was a well kept secret from myself.

i dont know how to start this process of accepting, i use to be very creative, i was full of energy, my creative passion drove me to live in a social world even though i didnt quite get it, that passion is gone because i don't believe in it anymore, but i want to. i want to whole heartedly feel that again, except with all the new things i've learnt. i dont want to lose the love of a person who is so dear to my heart, so near to me,

i am seeing a counselor and all that, and she is very very good, she is the person who realised that i didnt have depression or social anxiety disorders or anything but i had aspergers,

i use to have total acceptance for myself.

i guess my question is, where do i start?
i feel like i am trying to dig myself out of a hole and i only get deeper

perferablly insomeones head.

accidental triple post

im not sure how those learning disabilities will help, i read them anyway and perhaps they will inadvertently effect how i am.

as for the other comments, well im not sure in what spirit they were made but thanks anyway

frequently,
start focusing on your strengths - can you list some of them for us?

Forgive yourself - we all make mistakes, we all experience shame at different times in our lives, we all learn and grow, and do what we think is best at the time.

Read some of the more positive info about Asperger's.

Read some of the more humorous stuff about Asperger's:


"All Cats are Autistic (v1.3)
Based on the DSM-IV Criteria

A. A total of six (or more) items from (1), (2), and (3), with at least two from (1), and one each from (2) and (3):

(1) qualitative impairment in social interaction, as manifested by at least two of the following:

(a) marked impairment in the use of multiple nonverbal behaviours, such as eye-to- eye gaze, facial expression, body postures, and gestures to regulate social interaction:
Except when agitated, interpretive behaviour is limited. Cats show very little change in facial expression and posture is usually relaxed. Eye-to-eye contact is difficult, as cats are seemingly unable to bear looking into the eyes for a period of time.

(b) failure to develop peer relationships appropriate to developmental level:
There is a marked deficiency in friendly social interaction with other cats. Cats must have been in consistent contact with each other for an extended period of time (delayed achievement of "comfort zone") before interacting in any sociable manner and the relationship is tenuous even then. This often applies to interaction with humans, as well.

(c) a lack of spontaneous seeking to share enjoyment, interests, or achievements with other people (e.g., by a lack of showing, bringing, or pointing out objects of interest):
Cats do not point or retrieve objects for others. Cats are not concerned about whether or not their interests are similar to those of other entities. Cats find your interest irrelevant.

(d) lack of social or emotional reciprocity:
Cats are concerned with their own interests only. They will not lick your fur for the sole purpose of bringing you enjoyment. If they do so at all, it's either because you taste good or are dirty and need cleaning.

(2) qualitative impairments in communication, as manifested by at least one of the following:

(a) delay in, or total lack of, the development of spoken language (not accompanied by an attempt to compensate through alternative modes of communication such as gesture or mime):
Many cats do not speak, or do so only occasionally. Nor are they able to gesture their needs beyond the very basic, such as leading you to the empty food dish.

(b) in individuals with adequate speech, marked impairment in the ability to initiate or sustain a conversation with others:
Cats do not converse well. Even in situations where it appears they are carrying on a dialogue with a person, mutual misunderstanding of each other's meaning is inevitable.

(c) stereotyped and repetitive use of language or idiosyncratic language:
All cats with speech perseverate on the word "meow" and its variations.

(d) lack of varied, spontaneous make-believe play or social imitative play appropriate to developmental level:
Often, older cats will engage in play which, on a developmental level, is more appropriate to kittens. Their pretend and imitative abilities are limited as well.

(3) restricted, repetitive, and stereotyped patterns of behaviour, interests, and activities as manifested by at least one of the following:

(a) encompassing preoccupation with one or more stereotyped and restricted patterns of interest that is abnormal either in intensity or focus:
Cats are generally fascinated and often obsessed with entomology (insects), ornithology (birds), ichthyology (fishes). Sometimes obsessive interests also include string-like objects and ball shaped objects.

(b) apparently inflexible adherence to specific, non-functional routines or rituals:
Cats have little tolerance for changes in routine, including the routines of the individuals they live with. They find it distressing and will often attempt to remedy the situation with control measures (waking you up at 5a.m. on a weekend). Cats also ritually bathe.

(c) stereotyped and repetitive motor mannerisms (e.g., hand or finger flapping or twisting or complex whole-body movements): Cat's tail. 'Nuff said.

(d) persistent preoccupation with parts of objects:
Strings. Dangling parts of objects. Flying objects. Crawling objects. Single bits of kibble. Shadows. Laser pointer lights.

B. Delays or abnormal functioning in at least one of the following areas, with onset prior to age 3 (cat) years: (1) social interaction, (2) language as used in social communication, or (3) symbolic or imaginative play.
Not enough study done in relation to normal society.

C. The disturbance is not better accounted for by Rhett's disorder or childhood disintegrative disorder.


Other Symptoms Common to Autism

Sensory Issues:

Sounds
Cats are easily distracted and disturbed by a wide variety of noises. Sudden noises are particularly distressful, although very quiet noises are distracting also.
On the other hand, cats are prone not to hear or understand specific words, such as their name or "come", causing them to appear as though they are ignoring the speaker, particularly when hyper-focused on another subject (usually nothing).

Smell/Taste
Cats typically have hypersensitive smell and taste in comparison to humans. As a result, they tend to be extremely finicky. Few cats will eat vegetables.

Touch
Cats are often hypersensitive to touch. They may shrink away when an attempt to touch them is made. However, rubbing/scratching certain areas of their persons can be quite pleasurable to them. These places include, but are not limited to: behind the ears, cheeks, under the chin, and the shoulders.

Self-Stimulation, or Stimming
Purring is an activity cats engage in which increases their calm and receptivity. Stretching and scratching are also prevalent stimming activities. Some cats have been known to make kneading motions on soft blankets and people."

By Alice Loftin

Source: www.spacehost.us/~aliki/autism/autiecats.html


We don't expect cats to act like dogs do we - so why expect Aspies to act like NTs?

ah haha thankyou kelsi, that was very funny, i love my kitty with my whole heart he is so beautiful and whacky, i should love myself the same way, i always see myself in him as well,

i also read about the myth of aspergia which was a very nice analogy.

i just felt like i had to say these things out loud,

'write my name on the page' so to speak.

the most important thing is owning these understandings

thankyou very much kelsi for your post it made my day, bit by bit i can transfer things that i love about my cat onto myself.

it's very confronting to list all the things i like about myself but i will do it

i am certain that in any situation that my approach to any problem solving will be absolutely different to other peoples

my ears are so sensitive that i can perceive sounds that no one else can usually pick up or understand

i love how tall and thin i am, and how fit i am (i work as a bike courier which has made me very athletic)

if somethings broken i can fix it, and if it can't be fixed then i know how to replace it

i feel equally attuned to masculine and feminine and everything in between or un-nameable

i don't look tough but i am, but i never use my physicality to intimidate people

i'm kind to people in ways they don't understand, in a way that is not usual and they appreciate this as an honest expression

i'm very creative and technical

when i read fiction i find it hard to distinguish between 'the real' world and the 'fictional' world

i have very few close friends, and no false friendships

i can be entirely engaged by things and let nothing come between me and their finishing point




i feel like i should list the things i don't like about myself, but i'm not going to, i'm not going to let them define who i am any more. i will accept them as they are, i won't repress them and pretend that they don't exist but i am not going to live by them, i am going to live by the things i am good at.

the hard thing will be to stick at it, i geuss thats where your post about learning will be useful matsuiny,

is that how i put down the shovel?

Acknowledge that which you do not like or want to continue, and let it go. Refusing to acknowledge it can lead to problems in the future (unresolved, like a 20th century composer). Find your strengths, embrace them, use that confidence to build anew, and remember to take time for yourself. I might suggest a book such as the Tao of Pooh (Benjamin Hoff) as something to perhaps use to reflect on how you approach things.


M.

the tao of pooh that sounds very odd but also sound interesting

i'll see if my library has it