I did something wrong today, blurted something out.

Post Reply New Topic

Recently, a student at the school I went to died in a car wreck. Today they held a memorial service in one of the buildings for him. I asked a guy upstairs if the service was for the public or just for the deceased's family members, relatives, and friends, and he told me he thought it was for anyone.

I went downstairs, and there was another guy standing near the entrance to the room where the service was going to be held, and asked him if the the service was open to the public or just for family members, and he asked me if I was one of the decedent's friends.

Obviously, I never met the kid in person.

I told the second guy something to the effect of "I read about him in the newspaper, that he liked video games, and I just wanted to show him my support." I realized I had said this, and the guy replied "oh." I turned around, embarrassed, and he said something like "bye" to me and I went back upstairs and left the building.

I was planning on going to the student lounge for a bit to keep myself from having a meltdown, but my sister showed up unexpectedly and told me that she and my dad came to take me home.

I just really feel ashamed of my insensitivity, I cant believe I said such a stupid thing.

Well, my story may make you feel better:

This was years ago, my ex was in a band. The were supposed to play at this place, one of those fundraiser things. This family had been in a car accident and the little girl had died. They were having the benefit for the survivor's medical bills and funeral costs.
Anyway, we're outside and somebody asks what's going on. Without thinking, I siad "Some chick lost her head so they're having a party."
There's no possible way to save that one.

animeboy - huh? I don't get it, what's wrong with that?

zghost - LOL, even I've never gone THAT wrong!

People are always very touchy about death, so for an aspie it's pretty much a lost cause, the chances are you will accidentally say something offensive. I'm glad that the worst I said at my grandad's funeral was that it was quite cool being centre of attention for the day, LOL.

I can offend people just by opening my mouth and BREATHING, so I shouldn't get too hung up on it. At least we have an excuse, there's a boy in my class whose only condition is stupidity, and he's always going on about how foreigners should get bombed and deported and stuff like that, he's well racist.

I met a kid like that in seventh grade.

In my opinion, asking if the memorial service was open to the public was perfectly fine. However, it the mentioning of video games that might have offended people. You best action would have been to come to the service and just stand there quietly. If you run into the person's friends or relatives, you can simply say "I'm sorry about your [brother/son/nephew/friend]". (Just on a side note, the word "sorry" here indicates compassion, not an apology.) If you know you might accidentally say something offensive, here's a phrase you can use, when someone tries to get you into a conversation: "I've never met him, but it's sad that a person died so suddenly. I'm just upset, so I'd rather not talk." From an NT point of view, they'll interpret that you're upset because the person was similar to you (e.g. same age, went to your school, etc), and will think that you're starting to worry about yourself. They understand that, and will generally leave you alone.

Honestly, you didn't say anything particularly bad at all...people, all people, never know what to say or do around death really, and in my honest opinion, when someone is taken so young, there IS nothing tactful to be said. Nothing will ever make it feel even the tiniest bit better.

M