Wanting the new life badly

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Hi everyone, I just want to appoligize to everyone for posting threats revolving on the same topic. So I'm just going to make one threat for each indivisual subject.

The forum that I used to be on WhatisGender got angry at me for that. Plus they didn't like me asking where can I find Masculine Women to hang out with and to date in CT or RI.

So, I felt kind of down yesterday night and this morning. I explained that I was on this threat and how it's like one big cyber family that understands me and how we are able to chat about anything. And I said that I thought that on WhatisGender, it was going to be another cyber family for me and they replyed "Guess what, this isn't WrongPlanet."

Insensitive Jerks. But then later I explained that I was Aspie and I had a hard time trying to take advice from everyone because it seems like I was iqnoring them which I was just looking for a spiciffic answer for where to look for a date. But I guess the real question is why can't I do the research myself instead of relying on people all the time. It's good to ask for help, but not all the time.


I'm starting to realise my mistake now and I'm slowly learning my lesson. In fact, I think I learned it already.

update: 11-30-08



I don't know if I ever told anyone this but sometimes my mother from Rhode Island takes me for the day or an over night on the Weekends. But my consintration when I'm in Rhode Island is looking for Masculine Women to meet, talk to and hang out. But it never happens. When I came home to my parents house today. As soon as I went upstairs, I tried to choke myself because I feel terrable afterwords. I just want to state that my parents are wonderfully supportive and teach me skills so I would know what to do when I live on my own. They pay my way to college, food, shelter, etc. So I just wanted to just show that my parents are NOT abuseive monsters in anyway. They are just very serious people that are very interverted. So it's hard to tell if they are secretly angry with me or not because of the Asperger's Social blindness thing................anyways. So yeah I was strangling myself, then I quickly stop (like I always do), then I start feeling high for a few seconds and like always, I start crying. At times I feel panicy durring the day. Let me explain....................

1. Mild
Parents: Walking up stairs, near my door or knock on my door.
Me: I close out on anything on my computer relating to Androgyne, turn off my monitor and put my head down on my computer desk (like I'm not worthy of them or something) until they knock on my door and I jump and litterally drop anything that I'm doing to answer the door as quickly as possible.


2. Middle
Parents: I would hear my parents voices, either they are yelling up the stairs to me or they are just talking loud towards eachother in a non stressful manner.

Me: Same thing as Mild but much faster and I swear underneigh my breath, flipping the bird with an Angry look on my face towards my door.


3. Parents Yelling in stress either at Dogs or Eachother
Me: PANIC and try to (well I hate to say Suicide because I never do anything extreme enough) Knock myself out somehow. It's been a bad habit sense I was a kid. I rarely do it anymore. It's only when I hear yelling from someone I know. My actions include giving myself a hard slap in the face, pound on my head or strangling my neck.........but all very fast and nothing horrably damaging because.

1. I don't like pain
2. I chicken out
3. I start to cry


I have thoughts that go through my head during these times and they all have to do with my parents finding out that I have a queer attraction towards Masculine Women.

I have thoughts from" Oh Sh*t, they are coming up stairs, gotta hide everything!"
to
"It's all over, they hate me, nobody loves me, I'm doomed for life!, They are after me, There's only one way out from this Hell!"



I do appoligize if any of this is Too Dark or Shocking but I know that most of you here are Aspies and you go through the same bullcrap that I do so.........you understand where I'm getting at.
Isn't that a great feeling.

Sorry, I hope I 'm not boring anyone.

I hate it when anyone sees what I'm doing on the computer. I'm constantly minimizing any browsers I have open whenever anyone walks by. I just don't want anyone to know that I'm perseverating on a subject, for some reason.

Yeah, same here.

It's one thing if it's interests. And I know, I don't like just anyone to see it. Only ones who are worthy.

But in this case, I'm hiding my non-society-conforming gender and sexuality from my parents. It's hard because it's a haunting feeling that one day I might forget to but something away, they spot it and they would question me about it.



I'm not sure if I'm queer. The word queer in the mainstream means homosexual but in a lot of cases in the LGBTQQ field it could mean "Odd" to the mainstream. For example when I say Masculine Women, I don't just mean one who is asertive and is a body builder. I mean a person who dresses and acts like one of the guys sort of speak. But not a transgender / transsexual. More like Butch or Genderqueer because they still keep their female body.

It's like I'm attracted biologicly to the female body but I'm mentally attracted to Masculinity.

Calling yourself queer probably won't help find what your looking for. Most of society still associates that word as simply meaning homosexual. Since what you want is still considered within the realm of heterosexuality, identifying as queer might give people the wrong idea even if you might fall under the broad definition of 'queer' by a specific community.

I wish I could be more help on finding love, but unfortunately I've been striking out for eleven years at this. So I feel your pain.

Yeah, thanks. I just don't know what to do from here. I'm working on a film right now relating to Masculine Women in animation form. Since animation is a long and hard process, maybe it'll keep me calm down my anxiety for a year or two.

I'm very angry at the world lately and how society believes how all heterosexuals should behave. Like every man has to be masculine and he has to like feminine women. Man has to be the donimating love partner and the women has to be the submissive love partner.

Pretty much I've always attracted to Tomboys ever since I meet one in first grade who happened to notice not playing with the other guys one day, so she grabed my wrist and dragged me over to play with the other guys. The other guys hated me but she kind of stood up for me. One day she moved away and I never seen her again.

I've might have mention in other posts how this Tomboy reminded me of my favorite cousin "Cory". It was because that I knew that I wasn't the adverage boy who liked sports and all that masculine interest stuff. Most boys always rejected me, but my cousin never did. He was like the brother I never had.

I also might have mentioned that I'm Androgynous. Which means that I feel that I don't fit into the gender roles of Masculine and Feminine. I feel that I'm in the middle.

Feminine side: Very emotional, very talkitive, my voice becomes high pitch at times, attraction behavor when I'm attracted to Masculine Women (For example, I notice the behavor of feminine women when they like a guy. They start giggling, their voice becomes kind of breathy, and they get nervious easily. I feel the same way. I don't mean to make stereotypes but I notice that I have lots of those behavor
characteristics)
Oh and I really love cats. I treat them as if they were infaints.

Masculine side: I like explotions, sick and twisted humor, cartoon violence, pranks,
mostly very rough humor and zombie art stuff.

Another thing that I noticed was I feel more confortable talking to women then I can with men.

I have this anger towards masculine men (if I don't know the paticular person very well), I think it was a childhood thing. Feminine women (no offense to anyone who is) sometimes complain about something that doesn't make sense to them and question certian things that can drive me crazy. :L

Tomboys are kind of like guys but they are easy to talk to.

Though I didn't realize until 3 or 4 months ago that I've been attracted to only Masculinity in Tomboys all this time.


It's kind of a strange feeling, It's almost like I'm homosexual but I'm not attracted to the male body or voice at all. So I'm attracted to Masculine behavor but only in women.