Had a massive setback...don't know what to do.

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The last week I've been working through one of my "dark" times, which come and go. I'm used to them these days. I'm a grad student working on a thesis film, and so I have these bouts of self doubt and all that. I just got through one, and then this evening I got broadsided. To pay for my research travels, I had to use my credit card on one of the trips, and since I live off of a graduate stipend, I've had to pay it off. Well, I was late in last months payment. I made a mistake. The company calls my parent home, because that's the number they had, and next thing I know, I'm getting a series of calls from my mom. She's opened my mail, gone through my statements, harangued me on my irresponsibility. Shes' completely dismissive of the film I'm trying to make, saying it won't win any awards, and won't matter much when I graduate. She says if I didn't have the money in hand, I shouldn't have done the trip. It doesn't matter to her how important it is to me.

I'm in about the worst place I've ever been. It's clear now that she has no faith in my work. She says I act like a child (I'm 24), and that when I come home, she's going to go through all my finances. I feel I'm entitled to a little privacy, and yet I have none with her. I feel naked. I thought I'd escaped her blistering lectures in high school. She assumes the worst of me. Like at the end of the call, she changes subject and asks, "Do you know when you're coming home [for Christmas] or are you not coming home now?" She automatically assumes that I'm so vindictive that I'd shoot Christmas to hell over this.

And yet, I feel like Christmas is shot to hell. My parents went with me on one of my research trips, and so I wanted to get them something nice for Christmas. I got them each gifts that cost around $100, and now i feel like I can't even give them, because that will just confirm to them that I'm irresponsible with money. No I don't have a lot of money these days, but I'm not spending wildly. Making a film is expensive. That and paying bills and food doesn't leave me with much, and what was left I used for gifts.

I was planning on taking my editing equipment home with me to continue working through the break. But if I'm to get the equivalent of an IRS audit from my Mom, it does my film no good. Worst of all, she has to bring my dad into the mix. She has to tell me how mad he is, how disappointed. How mad I should be at myself. She just doesn't get that she doesn't need to do that. I get plenty mad at myself, and I don't need her pointing out all my flaws.

God, I feel so low. Right now, I feel no love for that woman. I have no desire to ever see her again. I mean what's the point if you're just a disappointment. I'd rather not have a mother if that's all I am. I've had this recurring fantasy where I just pack everything up in my car, and disappear. Sever all ties, and start a new life somewhere, with a new name. I've never before felt so close to actually doing it. All that hold's me back is my Dad. I want to make him proud, and I can't bear the thought of not seeing him, him not seeing what I can do. But faced with choosing between him and freedom from my Mom, I've begun to wonder if it will soon be necessary to save my health and sanity?

Has anyone else been through things like this? Any advice?

Brian

My mother is exactly the same way. I'm currently working hard to make a break from both my parents come spring. Right now, I'm paying off a car I just got, which I hope to have paid off by February or March. Then, I know where to start looking for apartments. Luckily, I have a full-time dishwashing job that seems to be going well, so I'll keep my hopes up.
If you need to make that break, then go do it. You'll have peace of mind. And in the end, it matters most if YOU feel proud of yourself. Not your dad.

If you are financially independent from your parents (you say you have a stipend to live on) then you absolutely have a right to your privacy. Go to the post office and get a change of address form, and have all your mail forwarded to your address at school (and change the billing address on your credit card--you can probably do so online.) Tell them firmly but politely that you are an adult and your finances are none of their business--and also that you believe in yourself and your talent and hope to make them proud, despite their lack of faith in you.

So much stress this close to Christmas, bummer. Going home for the holidays can be a stress all by itself, but with a current conflict like this -- I don't see how it could end well. My advice would be to send your parents a card or note that tells them how much you love them, but that you feel Christmas would be more peaceful if you weren't home. Go through your finances yourself, figure out how you plan to deal with the debt -- maybe get some financial counseling from your school? Do they have such a thing? Have stuff organized and written down so you can show it to your mom when you do see her, let her know that while you are young and might make mistakes now and then (we all do), you are basically capable of making wise decisions. That's why your mom is upset. She knows that as you leave the nest she won't be able to watch out for you any more, and she needs to know that you will not come crashing to the ground when she's far away. She worried about you, and expresses it with anger. That and maybe she's afraid that you will make some very expensive mistake that will wipe out her retirement savings. It's all fear. You can improve your relationship with her by showing her the fear is not necessary.