It is my time to cry

Post Reply New Topic

Callous creations overwhelm time. How do I get away from the way I make myself blind.

My mind goes on the fritz whenever things are too much. Yet that seem to happen on a regular basis.

School is about to start again, and I am very scared. I want it more than anything, but it takes over my heart and ears. I have a few wonderful friends, who i have to make myself call. Then, I live in a situation of such oddness, so I don't disappear. I live with my ex, we both benefit from it all, He has a friend in me and I have a tether ball.

How come my mind clouds to darkness of a tempest, whenever I am simply walking out and trying to relate to something outside of myself. I reach and try to associate and think how well I do, then later I learn, I didn't do so well at all.

I try and try to remember that I have this warped lens in the front of my mind, so that hopefully I can categorize and filter the untrue aspects of my surroundings. I get so excited though, and forget and just start being myself. Then I feel so proud at being me. Later though it all comes back, what I did, and I realize that in entirety I failed.

I can not believe that when I am myself, I am not myself, and when I try to be anything, I am still not myself. So I sit here alone, without anyone home and wonder if I will ever have a friend who gets me. Then maybe I will get myself.

Right now, I am at the bottom of it all. My own self encouraging words have left me to fall. Because I can see what is happening, since I am alone. Only now, can I relate this clearly, as if I am nothing but a drone.