Meltdown today

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I had a meltdown today before school. I woke up, in time to get up and cycle to class. I had a bowl of cereal, two glasses of water. I got dressed in a hurry - in such a hurry I stupidly forgot to wear the same clothes I was wearing yesterday. I instead said to myself "Oh, I should wear a clean shirt - other people will not appreciate that I am wearing a smelly shirt." So I put on a clean shirt close to my skin, but it had a zipper. The zipper was touching my chest and it made me feel panicky. I then realized that I was going to be late if I didn't leave right at that moment, so I started to panic more. The zipper continued to make me feel uncomfortable. My husband (NT but clever and unique. also midly deaf which doesn't help with my communication problems.) asked me what was wrong and I think I yelled at him. I don't really remember, but I was really upset. He then just stared into space, which really annoyed me because it made me see how irrational I must be behaving, if he has to disengage from me in order to get some sanity. After I calmed down, he asked me why I was angry with him. I told him that I wasn't angry with him - I was angry because I was late and my shirt felt wrong. I had also just had my favorite had stolen yesterday on the first day of school, as well as having gotten lost on the way to a new classroom - something I always do, although another thing I always do is live in denial and say things like "Oh I have a great sense of direction and never get lost." Anyway, he said that unless I tell him exactly what's bothering him, he won't be able to know. I thought (in all sincerity at the time) that it would be quite obvious that my shirt was uncomfortable, and that I was upset because I was late. I guess I didn't think, in my panic, that he wouldn't have picked up on that. He recently suggested to me that I had Asperger's - and we spent a while looking up information on the internet. All the descriptions fit me exactly. But, even without a diagnosis, I've made several commitments to myself for self-improvement. As a result, I no longer bang my head on the wall or hurt myself when I'm having a meltdown. My meltdowns are far less frequent and I'm regaining motivation for interesting subjects. All of these improvements have taken my whole life to accomplish. I'm 21. I've known I was different ever since I can remember - I just didn't know how. Anyway, figuring out that I'm AS has let me re-evaluate my life with clarity I've never had before. Obviously that is going to cause some emotional distress. I'm discovering the extent to which my precocious reading (<2.5 years of age, self taught, 4th grade reading level age 4, reading material intended for college freshmen at age 9.) and above-average IQ have helped me make up for my innate lack of social understanding. Besides all that, I do have empathy and I am capable of feeling extraordinarily close to my husband. However, a lot of the time I feel distant and fake. I know that I've hurt him, and I don't want to do it again. It hurts me to see him hurt. Is there anything I can say to him to let him know how I'm feeling without making him feel badly? I don't tell him 90% of the things that go on in my mind. At various times I've thought I might be NPD or Bipolar with some mild thought disorder, or Borderline, but I only have some of the symptoms of each, and nothing fits me better than a description of Asperger's.

Reading the posts on this forum has been like a window into my own mind - something I've always thought was unique. It's comforting but isolating at the same time to know that I am not alone in having this condition. Anyway, despite everything, I've been happier on the whole for the past year than I have been in my entire life. I just don't want to mess it up. Can anyone relate?

Oh, and he very much needs physical contact with me. I guess I do, too. There are times when I know a hug will make me feel better. But there are still times, where if I'm not expecting to be touched, and someone touches me, I will start having these strange body-spasm like things. My grandmother had the same problem, according to my mother. My mother lets people take advantage of her and thinks she has trouble empathizing with others, has anxiety and depression but no formal diagnoses. My sister's oldest daughter was diagnosed with Asperger's at age 11. My only formal diagnosis is of ADHD - I scored in the 120th percentile. I was treated for Bipolar but I never felt that the diagnosis was accurate and the medications just made me feel like a zombie.

My honest suggestion? Let him read what you just wrote here.

Tell him you snapped at him, but were just really frustrated because you were running late and your shirt was scratching you up. Let him know that you know he didn't deserve it, tell him you are sorry, then ask for a hug.

Just talk to him, loudly if that is what it takes, but talk to him.