I have a terrible phobia...

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I have a phobia that I know will definitely get in the way of life and everything. And that phobia is kissing! In my mind, I want to kiss a guy (my boyfriend especially), but I can never bring myself to do it. It's a long-distance relationship, so that's a sigh of relief for me. We do visit each other for a week twice a year though. I've been with him for a year and a half now and he was really looking forward to getting a kiss from me when he was here. I've never kissed anyone before (as sad as it is to say at twenty), and I wanted to, but when we got to the moment, I became scared to death and started hyperventilating. My boyfriend described me as if I had just seen the Grim Reeper. He was upset about it the first couple of days- until I got sick. Then he felt a little better. I'm also a total germaphobe so if I had kissed him and I had gotten sick right after (which is what would've happened), I would've never kissed him or anyone else again. But like I said, in my mind and dreams, I have no problem kissing anyone, but I am absolutely terrified in real life. I know this is a big problem because I want to have a family in the future and I won't be able to get myself to that point. I'm also a total prude about myself, too. The only big exception to that is the way I dress (especially in the summer). By twelfth grade, no one thought I was a virgin anymore. They'd be very surprised. But like I said, am I the only one with this problem? I've talked to my parents about it, and all they say to me is to just get over it. I can't just get over something that makes me so freaked out, I start hyperventilating! My boyfriend thought I was going to pass out again, I was so scared.

Funny thing about phobias is, they're supposed to protect us. The subconscious decides a thing is just too dangerous for you to associate with, and flips the fear switch on to keep you away. Makes sense for things like heights or driving in cars, both of which CAN kill or maim you, but gets harder to justify for silly things, like pickles or washing machines.

Point is, you're afraid of kissing for a reason. Maybe not a good reason, but at some point, somewhere, you (your subconscious) saw kissing as a very bad thing or something that leads to a very bad thing. I can't do a regressive hypnosis session over the forum, so just try and think back, as far back as you can. How long have you felt this way? Was there someone you could kiss once? Did a bad thing happen after you kissed someone the first time? Somewhere, your mind made the equation "kissing = bad". if you can remember where that happened, you're one step closer to putting the fear away.

All I know is that I've never liked the thought of it. By pre-school, I would not accept any hugs or kisses from my parents anymore. The hug thing kept me uncomfortable for a while, but I've gotten used to them again now. Nothing bad has ever happened to me when it comes to showing affection or anything, so I'm still not entirely sure why I think this way. I have a fair amount of other phobias, too, but this is the first time I have reacted like this to one.

I heard psychologists have developed very effective treatments for most phobias. I don't know the details, so probably the best thing is to consult a psychologist. If that is a financial problem, but you live close to a university, you could check with the psychology department. They often offer free treatment, if you are willing to be treated by students (under supervision from someone qualified). The next best thing is to find a textbook on the treatment of phobias. Third, you can search the web, if you know how to identify reliable resources. Somewhere down the line in order of utility come my suggestions (I don't know how reliable a source I am on the subject of phobias, so take the rest only as a suggestion).

I have read an essential element of treatment for phobias is gradually increasing exposure without negative consequences. Are you happy to hold your boyfriend's hand? To get a hug? Start with what you are comfortable with. Go on to the next thing that makes you just a little uncomfortable, learn to do that (and ideally enjoy it). You would know the order. It might be letting him kissing your hand, kissing your ear, kissing your cheek, and you doing the same with him.


Good call, you are probably right. So again, build up to it slowly. For example, you could put your finger on his lips. If you're comfortable doing that without having to disinfect your hands, try putting your finger on his lips, then your own. If that works, try the same with him licking you finger tip, then you doing the same.

You can also try to change the way you think about this. Humans are full of bacteria. I read the bacterial cells in a human body outnumber the human cells 10 to 1 (the bacterial cells are smaller, so they don't make up most of your body weight). Obviously, your boyfriend lives with his bacterial fauna, as you live with yours. His fauna won't be quite the same as yours, so there will be some exposure to a different set. That will train your immune system to resist the ones that could harm you. That is a good thing. The immune system benefits from minor challenges. At present, you don't feel kissing would be only a minor challenge to your health, so the way to go would be to take just a little step beyond your comfort zone until you expand it, then take another step.

You will need your boyfriend for all this. He will need some patience, but there are also rewards. If he can help you enjoy something you want to do, that would be a gift he can give you. And if you make it possible for him to help, that would be your gift to him. A good thing to share, plus you'll get mutual enjoyment out of it later. Good luck.

If I am remotely close to what a psychologist would tell you, and if you make an appointment with a psychologist, then it would probably be good if your boyfriend accompanies you. If you decide to see a psychologist, ask about this.

Those are really great suggestions, but there is a problem standing in the way for me. My boyfriend lives in Virginia, so there's no way he'd be able to see a psychiatrist or doctor with me. We really only get to see each other twice a year and I won't be seeing him again until summer. It makes it much easier on me when it comes to this subject at least.

This is really funny and sad in a way.

Phobia, of KISSING?
Oh that WILL ruin your hopes of a family in the future. No kidding, it really will, i cant see a person, guy or girl, being with someone who basicly freaks out and almost feints when he/she is about to get kissed.

And you said if you were kissed and right after if you got sick you would never kiss again?
LoL, really, please, stop it already

Couples are SUPPOSED to have nothing against drinking from the same glass, or eating from the same spoon, or kissing each other, and if they there by also exchange salvia, thats god damn normal. Hell i know people who, when they have a crush on someone, would drink from the same glass as the one they liked drinked from.

But you? lol, the oppesite.
For your own sake, you should wish that it's only this worse with the kissing phobia.
Cant even imagen how it would be if it was hugging -.-
*sigh*



One idea, you could try out is maybe blindfolding yourself or something.
The plan being your both together alone, and he blindfolds you, and you simply dont think about being kissed, and he has to all of a sudden kiss you.

Dunno, might be that helped or something, if not, then GOOD LUCK, on being/finding,/keeping someone, so they whont leave you due to that fear of kissing

Well, that's not a very nice response at all. The point of The Haven is that you're supposed to help people feel better, not worse!

Also, if you had read through it, I said I don't mind hugging, so that's not an issue. I also hate being blindfolded.

Why the hell does it scare you to kiss? god it's a KISS, it's not like he's going to bite your head off -.-


Well anyway,
I whont say good luck to you, as that whont be enough at all, to help you get things "normal"

You're not so normal yourself so there's absolutely no reason to diss me. Even with this phobia, I'm probably a hell of a lot more normal than you are. And nicer, too.

well getting blindfolded isn't necessary in a relationship lol
kissing isn't either, I would get past it-taking it slowly, you know for him
if your afraid of sex...well not sure-wait artificial insemination lol

lots of people don't like to kiss

you people-are douchebags
lay off her

You could still check with a psychologist whether my suggestions are good, perhaps work out a better plan for when you next meet your boyfriend.

You could work on the germ part without your boyfriend present. Do you see your parents more often than your boyfriend? You could drink from the same glass as your mother, or eat with a spoon your mother has just used. Another possibility is that your boyfriend sends you a toothbrush he has used. Or he sends you 5 toothbrushes, all different colours, and he uses one of them once before he sends them off (in a ziploc bag, so they don't attract dirt on the way). You use them one after the other. You won't know which one he used, and any toothbrush has only a 1 in 5 chance of having been used, which might make you less nervous. When you have used all 5 toothbrushes without ill effects, ask which was the one he used before sending them to you.

For the kissing, you could make it a game to come up with lots of enjoyable activities that, to varying degrees, share something with kissing that makes you nervous. When you next meet, go on a long walk together and go through them as far as you both enjoy. If you can come up with enough little steps that you keep things to being only a little scary, you may be able to turn building up to your first kiss into an exciting game. I can't promise that best case scenario, but it's possible. You have the advantage that you don't just want to get rid of something like a spider phobia, where all you have at the end is relief. Your situation is more like that of someone who is scared of flying, but at the same time really wants to do. Only, a gradual build up to flying is more difficult (well, you can hop, but it's not really the same).

In the best case, you could get some fun and excitement out of overcoming your phobia. I hope it works out that way. So check out whether the basic principle is sound, and if it is, you and your boyfriend can start getting creative. Enjoy.

Try and talk to your boyfriend about your fear and ask him to be patient with you. You need to get over this in your own time.

I'm guessing that if you dont feel pressure to kiss him you wont worry about it as much. That it will make it a little bit eazyer to work through.

Do you know when you started to fear kissing?
Think back to the time when your fear started.

Somthing must have happened to make you fear it and once you know what happend you can work through it.( It may be somthing small so think hard)

Pm me if you want to talk about it. I may have advice and pointers. I have worked throught alot of fears like that before. so if you need any advice or help feel free to ask!

NEVER feel like its silly cause its NOT ! Your fear is really scary to you and you should never feel bad or ashamed of it.

You can and will get through this!
I know you can!

More normal and more nice?
hell, i really dont think you should be talking about who is normal or not, IF any of us two is, then it's you.
Nicer, thats a different thing to now, just because i am mean here, and right now, or something along those lines, dosnt mean i am so in real life.

Relationships might be generalizing now, but when i think of a relationship (besides the loveing and caring for your partner and etc) i think of hugging and kissing and so forth, i mean, the think thats making me laugh at this case, while i really do think it's kinda sad for you, is that you WANT a familie and etc in the future, YET, the phobia you have, basicly makes you FAINT, and thats kissing, and thats something thats so normal in a relationship/familie like you want ( ok, or so i take it and guess so)

and you "HATE" being blindfolded, guess you hate closing your eyes to? if not that could work to maybe -.-
so i am just saying, what I think, what i, NOT you, NOT others, but ME, what i think of your case, and thats personaly, that you whont get really far with that phobia, i mean imagen how it would have been if you still had that with the hugging part? hating to hug someone and kiss, that would really have been the worst part i guess

you are the one that doesn't understand.
this is a support site AND this is the Haven.

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The sharing the same drinking glass suggestion is just disgusting. Sure some people may do this. But that's exactly the way flu viruses and hepatitis gets pass around. Unless the other person shows you blood test proof of their health I would not suggest eating after them. Kissing is one thing because its brief and not that much saliva is shared. But give her some respect. Kissing really is disgusting to a lot of people. I always hated kissing in all my relationships because I discovered with disbelief how so few people actually practice dental hygiene. And onion breath is not sexy folks.

If its a twice a year event to even see him kissing shouldn't be a requirement.

I couldn't disagree more. It is not necessary to know the "root" of the problem solve it. This can actually make things worse. It some cases like in my own there is no clear start and I have memory problems (cognitive not physiological) that would have prevented this.

In the olden days they used to believe very firmly in all problems have a root cause, and by going back to the root cause it will help “overcome”. The problem with this idea is when you start a particular behaviour that is just a catalyst, the behaviour develops over time. The situation now is not the same as in the past, going back does nothing but remind of it (if you didn’t know already). It is only relevant to bring it up if the catalyst is still something very much present in your life, so therefore constantly driving the undesirable behaviour.

It is a big assumption that Lightning88 has anything like a traumatic experience involving kissing. This often isn’t the case.

Lightning88 I suggest some sort of CBT therapy to help you with this. CBT is a pretty practical therapy the addressing behaviour and thought patterns that you want to change. You said you have a fear of germs, would you have other obsessive compulsive behaviours you think? You might start with a CBT therapist/practitioner to get the concept of it. After a while you might find that you can just use book and you own common sense. It is not rocket science, but when you have a problem it can be a bit daunting at first.