Ambivalent feelings toward my sister

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Hello again...boy, I sure am getting more versatile with troubling family members, eh?

But in all seriousness, this is about my sister Amy, who as I speak, is mere days away from her 4th childbirth (the former being her daughter, son and surrogate twins). You see, her doctors have told her repeatedly not to have any more children after the aforementioned twins, because of some flukey thing she experiences...

And that is...she doesn't feel labor pains until the closest possible moment. The only reason she got to the hospital for Zachary and the twins is that she happened to have a doctors appointment on those days! They said on both occasions during the exams "You're in labor, get to a hospital!" Another big problem is that she bleeds heavier then most women do on the day of labor; she almost bled to death with the twins, so this time there's an emergency team at the York Hospital on standby for when she checks in.

And now, here's my problem...given the fact that Amy was the one that practically killed my relationship with my first girlfriend (because she just didn't like her), you'd think that I'd WANT her to suffer, lose her baby, or even more cruel....hope she does bleed to death, because that's the best she deserves for being a flat-out b*tch...

But...

This is the same woman who...when she was my kid sister, looked out for me and protected me from the bullies on the school bus...who always made sure my head wasn't in the clouds when my stop came up... and just all around looked out for me, because even at that age, she knew I wasn't quite right in the head. As f**ked up as it sounds, she, heaven knows why, loved me...and maybe she still does, but I doubt it.

What shall I do?

Usagi1992

Focus on the present. That baby is practically here.
If your reason for being mad at her is reasonable, it'll keep.
You have a lifetime to sort it out.
Don't ruin this time with something that might be a mistake.
Just smile and welcome that new little person.

I don't wish for bad things to happen to people who have hurt me.
I just want them to stop hurting me. Or go away.
I've left behind plenty of people behind who don't deserve my time.

Then again, you'll have to deal with her if you want a connection to the nieces and nephews.
A life without them would be terrible.

*nods* Indeed...I'm very fond of my sister's kids...especially Abigail, who'll be 9 years old this February. She's a little ray of sunshine to me, and makes me forget about my anger...^_^

And don't worry, I can usually suppress my internal anger for times when I should be concentrating on the bigger picture. Besides, considering Amy has already had 2 near-death experiences with those previous childbirths, I think she's been punished enough.

In response to your statement about not wishing bad things to happen to others, well, I guess that means you're superior to me, and that you can conquer your anger. I guess you've never had a moment in your life when you've been so angry you want justice and retribution.

Still, thank you for the advice.

It's not about conquering anything inside of me. I'm an Aspie. I just don't get the connection to retribution. Being safe makes me feel better. Going back to punish someone who is no longer in a position to hurt anyone doesn't work for me. It wouldn't make me feel good.

I put my shrink in tears over a partial history of my abuse. And I hadn't even gotten to the big stuff. Just the ho-hum part.

I do get the connection to doing whatever is necessary to protect yourself and others.
And I get the connection to fighting fantasy monsters when you don't want to face the real monsters in your life. But once you see the real monsters for what they are, the fantasy monsters don't cut it any more.

"Killing gods and monsters, so that I can live."
http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt74224.html

All right, I apologize...I didn't mean to word my response like I was lashing out.

I really sincerely wish I could let the past be past, and be happier with my life, and forgive my family. But it's going to take a lot of radical therapy sessions...

oh, and I'm sorry to hear about your history of abuse...my problems seems so trivial compared to what you've had to deal with.

That didn't come out right either.
I'm not real good at communicating.
I was just saying that I don't have that button.
I'm not being virtuous. I just don't have it.

My situation is very similar, except my sister is older than me by more than a decade. While me and her were growing up, she was my parents' favorite (long, complicated story; for now, just take this at face value), got treated far better than I did. I still resent it, and as a result, don't see her except when I visit for a few hours on birthdays and holidays. We don't talk either, and only call each other with questions no one else can answer. Basically, I see her as someone I have little in common with who happens to be in my family.

With that said, I don't wish her any harm. She's still my sister, and some of my favorite toys were hand-me-downs from her. And I believe it's important to keeps things civil at the minimum; when me or her are in times of trouble, the other person just might be the one who steps in to make a big difference.

Hey folks, just letting you know that Amy had her baby boy last Friday, and that but mother and child are doing great. She didn't even have that many problems delivering, like the last 2 times. It's times like this that make me realize how petty some of these grudges I hold are, and that I should focus more on the bigger picture, like being an uncle. ^_^

Thanks for your support.

Usagi1992

Well good fer you son.

I love babies.
Congrats.