Failing Marriage

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Anyone have any advice on what to do when after 20 years of marriage, your husband decides he can't deal with your Asperger's any longer? I have never lived on my own and my job though full time, does not pay enough to support a comfortable lifestyle. Right now I feel really isolated as I have no close friends to talk to. My mom died 4 years ago and my other relatives are not close and are clueless about Asperger's and how it affects someone's everyday life. I feel like I am too old to start over with someone else, and I don't want this kind of thing to happen again and again.

u need to talk about it with ur husband openly so that u can reasonably survive after u two move away from each other
get in touch with local asperger's group for support

I'm very sorry to read about your situation. I can relate somewhat, as my marriage of 4 years ended this year (though for different reasons- we were not suited to be more then friends and it took a few years to realize. I also royally f****d up by having an emotional affair).

I am in a similar situation- with what my job pays I can't afford to live by myself (I have done so before but at the time I was on social assistance due to a medical condition that prevented my from safely working). Are you comfortable with the idea of living with even one roommate?

46 (hope I calculated that correctly) is definately not too old to 'start over'. My grandmother remarried in her 60's (albeit to a jackass but she seems happy with him). Don't give up on yourself or others based on one bad experience.

This is a great place to meet guys who understand your personality. All the dates I had with NT women did not amount to much. My longest relationships seemed to be with women somewhere on the spectrum. With this in mind, just be glad that the ration of male to female spectrumites is 5 to 1. As far as marriage is concerned, I never been marriend, so any advice that I would give would be just academic and near useless.

Does it have to fail? Is it too late to try again/harder?

If not, consider doing a marriage encounter weekend in your area. They work really really well. It worked for me.

http://www.wwme.org/

Why is the AS a problem for him now? I mean, 20 years is a long time to suddenly feel like ending a relationship based on something you've had the entire time you two have known each other.

It could be that he's using the "AS" as an excuse, and there's something else going on.

Hi, Alone-in-the-Crowd. I don't have Asperger's but I'm the same age as you and I've also been (happily) married for over 20 years.

It's hard to know what to suggest, based on such limited information.

Is your marriage definitely over, or is your husband just talking like this because he's feeling frustrated and upset? Has he told you what aspects of your Asperger's are bothering him? Is your Asperger's really the problem (he's dealt with it for the past 20 years, after all) or is there some other issue that has arisen? Have the two of you tried to talk things through?

If you still love your husband, I don't think you should just let your marriage go without trying to sort things out. What about marriage counseling? Jenny

Actually, I've read that Asperger's is underdiagnosed in females, because it manifests differently in us and we show more subtle signs than males with the same condition. So there could be as many aspie females as males out there.

Alone-in-the-Crowd: I'm sorry you're going through this; your husband sounds like a jackass to suddenly decide your Asperger's is cause for divorce after 20 years. If that's you in your avatar, you are very pretty and have a good chance of finding another male. (If you desire).

Good luck, and you can always come on WP for support ifyou need it.

I wondered, like jennyishere, if your husband was just venting or did he really mean it? Could you talk to him when he's in a good mood and ask him if he think it's worth trying to save it...20 years together, you must be compatible most of the time or it wouldn't have lasted so long

In the UK we have Relate - marriage guidance counselling - helps a lot of couples find ways around their problems, a lot of which are only temporary. Do you have similar in the US?

Could you take a short break together where you could both relax and talk, find out what the problem is?

I hope it goes well for you. I don't think you are too old to start again if you want to, but hopefully it won't come to that.

I am an Aspie. My wife is bipolar (manic depressive). We have been married for 36 years and still love each other.

Why? Because we took our vows seriously.

"For better or worse, in sickness and in health until death do we part"

There have been many times when I could have given up on her or she might have given up on me.

We gritted our teeth and saw it through.

Life sucks and you need a friend to cover your back. Someone you can trust to see you through the bad times.

Try and talk to him, seek consiling if you have to. If he is not willing to do that, then unfortanly you may have to start over. Its hard. I did it 7 years ago. I also know how you feel about that job situation. I have a good full time job but it does not pay enough to live well. But I get by.

If you ever like to chat feel free to PM.

Gaya might have a boyfriend to spare you, in case you are looking for one.