I thnk I've gone mad.

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I do the same things every day. Every blasted day. School torments me. Kieran torments me. Life torments me. Emotions flow every possible way around my corrupted shell. Fate is an illusion. I hate poetry, yet I speak it every day within my corrupted mind. Insults no longer harm me. Everyone hates me. Fact. Too many short sentences? Not in my mind. I begin the day by waking up, obvious to those fools who govern the wheel. I lie down on the couch and watch the tele, waiting for the time to switch to 6:50. At this time I eat my breakfast and then brush them good old white rocks in my mouth. I then change into my school uniform and get the buss. I sit down as faraway as possible from everyone else, and do absolutely nothing until it arrives at the buss stop, that is unless some basted places a pin on my chair. After I get off the buss the long walk begins. An half an hour walk in the freezing cold with no one in sight. My madness hasn't even started to begin. If you have read my other post you would have heard of Kieran, a selfish basted that cares for no one but him self. As far as I'm concerned, he is the Devil. Only insults pass his lips, and only when he is talking about me. Basted. He managers to speak at leased 10 insults at reg, and that’s only during a 5 minuet period.

At break I have nothing other to do than to stand around like a ret*d next to Kieran and his friends. Where are my friends you ask? Don’t have any. No one would like a ret*d like me. The insults never stop, and his friends just join in. I manage to escape him at launch, by doing my bloody homework. The long walk begins again. Home this time. When I arrive home I just go straight on my computer, and start to jugle through about 5 different forums. Before I do so I play the track 'OzarMidrashim' on a repeat. A game, a series of games called Legacy of Kain was based on the track 'OzarMidrashim'. The Legacy of Kain games are about fate and have a strong resemblance to my life in more ways than one. Oh, and when I said that 'I play the track 'OzarMidrashim' on a repeat', I mean throughout the whole day through my ear phones.

I always seem to fail on forums, and end up being constantly insulted by everyone for no apparent reason (slight overexaggeration). Today I just lost it and decided to spam up a chat room, leaving me permanently banned from it. Now, as I was typing this, I just stopped for half an hour, and just stared at the floor. Have I gone mad? Kieran would be dead by now if I wasn't in love with his sister. Yes, you heard. She obviously doesn't love me, but then who would? I know all your going to do is criticize this thread, but remember, every time you do so I am 1 step closer to killing myself. AS has only ruined my life.

You seem so sad.
You have an unbelievable talent for expressing yourself. I know you hate poetry, but have you thought of compiling your blog into a book. Many parents of kids with AS and ASD would be interested in your story. Just knowing how you feel gives others the opportunity to reach out and try to understand you.

I was 14 once, a very long time ago. But I understand your feelings. You have to take some control of your daily routine. Walk home a different route. Talk to someone who is also alone. Read a book instead of sitting at the computer. Don't hang around with Kieren. Look around for someone who is also an outcast. When you're older you'll regret never talking to girls that were also lonely....

Nope. I looked around a little but didn't find it. Who is he and why are you stuck with him?

I can relate to you entirely.

At 14, I was a freshman in High School with only one or two close friends to talk to. I was a skinny, akward kid who walked with his head towards the floor. I walked through the halls invisible, everyone either oblivious to my presence or mocking my every step. It seemed like there was nothing to live for and I spent much of my time wondering why it was so much harder for me to relate to everyone. I tried to fit in and engage in conversation, but most of the time I felt they were just being polite, if they didn't mock me of course. It felt like this through sophomore year too. Just when I had given up hope, I got an offer to stay in Michigan with my aunt and my cousins. I gladly accepted and my cousins took me in and accepted me like brothers. They were my mentors and taught me everything from how to talk, how to walk and hold yourself and how to party. They razzed me to no end, but in a loving way instead of insulting. I started lifting weights and working on my appearance too. By the end of senior year, I was a different person. I had plenty of good friends and was being invited to parties and events. I was still shy and akward, but I found acceptance.

What i'm saying is you have plenty of time to turn it around. You're only fourteen years old. You change just as much from 12 to 18 as you do from 18 to 24. Maybe you should find a mentor, someone you can confide in and who can help you find your way and show you the ropes. As an aspie, it's difficult for us to pick up on the subtleties and social norms which are so apparent to NT's. It doesn't mean they can't be picked up, you may just need someone to point them out and give you a push in the right direction. Do something that makes you feel good too. Find something your good at and pursue it as a regular activity. Go to the gym and lift three days a week. Get into a routine, you won't notice solid results for a few months but when they hit you'll no doubt notice a difference in how you feel. I hope i've helped you, but take what I say with a grain of salt too. What worked for me may not work for you, everybody's built differently. Hope you feel better soon and remember you're not going insane...at least no more insane than everyone else!

That's it. That's everything, right there. No shrink or drugs can give you that. But you can't do it for yourself and it's not enough that someone cares. It's gotta click, gotta be just the right fit. I wish I'd found that when I was a kid. For those of us who don't have someone like that, I guess the next best thing is WrongPlanet.

OP is beautifully written