Perilous submissive behaviour

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Hey guys I need... something... some words of wisdom or advice or what I don't know...

Basically I've come to realise I have this REALLY ANNOYING and unhelpful submissive behavior in me. It occurs when I am out in the world (clubbing, or shopping or whatever) and someone starts a problem with me - whether it's by getting physically or verbally aggressive or complaining at me for something or whatever... I seem automatically to submit to them. I hate the idea of saying that because I hate the idea of someone thinking they have control over me. But I will physically move toward them in a way that says "yes I am here, you can do and say what you want, I wont fight you". I don't seem to have the guts to stand up to them and have my say, or walk away.

WHY?! Why the f**k does this happen? It could get me beaten up, or publicly humiliated or put in hospital or whatever.

I would think submission is the sensible and safe option in a potentially aggressive situation. Passivity or submission would be less likely to attract violence, although you may get some ridicule, it's yet another dumb social game anyway.

I know one of my dogs automatically goes into submissive behaviour at even the faintest whiff of dominance from another dog, and I'm glad he does, because he's a skinny little guy and wouldn't stand a chance physically. He is doing the smart thing, given his physique.

I understand completely. That's why I said I should turn to massochism so it will feel like a wonderful pain. I always tried to fight back, but then it would end up with my body or ego being bruised and I'd end up crying like a baby on and off for up to 4 hours straight.

yeah, also there's a lot of bad posture and 'weak' sounding voices in autism, which will automatically be perceived as 'vulnerable' so some people like to work on those things - some of the guys here do body building/hand weights and martial arts (the one which is about just using the aggressors strength against them, it's like a passive form, may be tae kwan do but i'm not sure)

I feel the same way. I've never known what to say until after they're gone.

Another annoying thing that has happened to me a lot is that my body has shaken when strangers have yelled at me. I carry a pretty powerful weapon (non-lethal) and it would be nice to do a deed for humanity without my legs shaking.

Aww Mike - I imagine the body shaking is you being startled.

PostPerson - given where I live, I would not necessarily think that submissiveness is sensible as it would just make the aggressor realise he has control. I do not wish to fight back, I am not violent... I just would like to have the guts to walk away.

Martial arts training can fix that problem. You still back down, but not for the same reason.

audioeyes, I've had the same problem - part of it is of course what other people have mentioned, the social aspect of trying to beat someone down with words and body language (we can't do it well and throwing the first punch if any fight occurs of it is beyond stupid).

Someone mentioned martial arts, that can help, but I also think its a matter of phrasing this to yourself appropriately. What happens to us is when our brains flood or overload, we're rendered socially unconscious. When someone come in at us blaring emotion that's completely out of sink - for good or for bad - we lock up. When we have too much new information thrown at us, we lock up. I've noticed that I can go from looking pretty normal to what most people would identify as ret*d or brain-damaged just by overloading and spending all my mental energy - this is what happens when our minds rush at things a thousand miles per minute. We don't inherently have the same instincts as NT's and it takes a beating on us.

Another thing, I've noticed that when I can assert myself well - I *know* the paradigm inside and out, I'm not worried about being shown up or squashed by the next person because I'm on solid ground, I know what I'm saying and I know its effectiveness at stopping the argument cold. Confrontation is extremely difficult because its all style, if you can blow the other person's hair back and have them shaking on the verge of tears - your golden, we can't do that easily because it takes a lot more vitriol from our nonverbals and voices than we can usually get - even moreso to try and manually control that, and manually think of the perfect words its a dead end - your spending your mental energy like Washington at that point.

It's almost insulting to me that I shake like that when I know I shouldn't be scared.

Carrying a non-lethal, non-projectile stun pen helped reduce my fear in public (the one I have is called a 'Lightning Rod' and it has a built-in flashlight). These do not really have the capacity to kill, which is why I like them, and although I haven't used mine, I hear it can utterly incapacitate the aggressor.

wow mike! Are they illegal? How did you get it?

As someone who's gotten their black belt in tae kwon do (which btw, postperson, is a very offensive style, you're probably thinking of judo..) I do have to say, it DOES help a lot in the confidence catergory.

My other advice is to just ignore people who are trying to give you s**t, unless they press the issue, which is where the martial arts training comes into play. Its worked fairly well for me so far, you might wanna look into it.

oh ok I've never done any martial arts. thanks for that.

They aren't illegal. As long as a stun gun doesn't fire a projectile, you can carry it without a permit (in many states). If you ever want to buy something like it, I would suggest calling your local police department first.