BIIIIIIIIIG MELTDOWN!

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I melted down today. First off, I have not been feeling well. Then, I asked my mom if she could help me find my wallet. She then used this as an excuse to criticize how messy (Which to me, it is not) my room was and lord it over me that "cleaning up is part of the rules." On top of that, i have been stressed to the max that I have not found a job. And on top of that, my mom continued to lord the rules over me, plus her criticisms, while I have been feeling startled at random points of the day for the past two days (best way to describe it).

I HATE BEING HERE! BUT I HAVE NO PLACE ELSE TO GO! :'(

I feel like I'm not going to amount to anything, thaT I'm never going to have a job, that I'm going to be STUCK AT HOME FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE! I can't deal with that feeling! I really can't! I am fed up with my parents, sick and tired of my brother, and nauseous about the fact that I feel that I have WASTED 3.5 years of my life at school, getting a degree (History/Political Science double major) that means absolutely NOTHING to ANYONE, not to mention the fact that with my mom, nothing that I do is ever perfect, and the fact that people that I call to follow up with jobs never answer their email or their phone.

I AM FED UP, STRESSED OUT TO THE MAX! MY MOM KNOWS THIS!


Today, I was going to apply to jobs, but NOOOO! Instead, I have to clean my f'ing room, which by the way is NEVER, EVER, EVER going to meet her expectations (she sets the bar WAYYY to oHIGH to the point where absolutely nothing can be out...and everything has to be organized PRISTINELY, which makes me feel sick to my stomach. This is because it goes aaginst my nature: I am NOT a neat freak.)

On top of that, my mom's friends who have supposedly tried to help me out in one form or another are, simply put...unreliable. The friend across the street works at the U.N., and was going to try to get me to get interviewed. Well, it's been a FEW WEEKS now! If she's too busy, SHE SHOULD JUST SAY SO instead of making me wait and hope I'm going to get my foot in the door there! (Also, when I went to college, I needed to get a book out of a university, so my mom's other friend, WHO WORKED THERE FFS never got the book even though she said she would...UNRELIABLE! AGAIN, IF YOU'RE TOO BUSY, TELL ME! DON'T MAKE ME GUESS AND GET MY HOPES UP!)

On top of that, I have varied insecurities.

I am just a wreck right now.

Thank you for listening

I'm sorry this is going on for you. You sound REALLY trapped and frustrated.

Since so many things need to be worked out for you to have your freedom, make sure to take time to yourself to be alone, chill out, space out and do what you enjoy.

That can and does minimize meltdowns.

Thanks, Whitetiger *hug*

I basically don't want to go on feeling like this. IT's a yucky, icky, HORRIBLE feeling. :'(

Please forgive me if this is a stupid idea but have you considered doing tutoring as a paying job?

Sorry to hear of your feelings of being trapped, let down and over-pressured. I ask in advance for forgiveness if what I am about to say may offend you...

I do not know your mum, and I do not wish to suggest that I do, but it seems to me that all the pressure she is putting on you could be to make up for ways in which she has let HERSELF down in HER life. Therefore she is trying to make you responsible for making her life worthwhile?

The fact is - you are NOT responsible for her. You have every right to focus on yourself and do what makes you happy. You deserve respect for who you are. And THE PERSON you are should be enough for her - you are her child, not her employee. Have you tried sitting her down and talking about all your frustrations and letting her know how YOU do things (such as not being a neat-freak). I appreciate the idea of confronting her could be really scary so just take your time and think about it.

Just try to remember that you are here on this Earth for YOU.
Best wishes,

Rikki