Please advise about my father

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My father has always hated making major decisions so he doesn't. Then he complains about his situation all the time. But if I make a decision for him, he then blames me forever of having ruined his situation. Should I let him rot with his problems (he's 83) or should I decide for him and put up with the blaming? Both make me feel horrible.

Ha, your father reminds me of myself... alot. You should make his choices for him if he won't ]. Just make sure you don't make the wrong choices.

I know how hard it can be to make descisions. But I don't think you should make them for him. It's not your responsibility. He shouldn't blame you for just doing the best that you know how.

flip the coin.

that way the decision is made and there is no one to take the blame

Flipping the coin would be my decision, though. And I'd be blamed for whatever the coin said to do. He was always like this, but when my mother lived she'd make the decisions and he wouldn't blame her. But he does blame me.

Are you an only child? It's always harder if you don't have any siblings to help with the decision making. Parents are never happy with the decisions their children make for them, and they aren't happy if their children don't step in, because then they say their children don't care. You can't win. All you can do is make the decisions that you think will make your father happiest and safest. If he isn't happy with them, you can tell him you did the best you could, and you're sorry if it wasn't what he would have wanted and that maybe next time he'll give more input into the decision making.

Try to shift your concept of doing your job as a daughter well from "keeping your father happy" to "keeping your father safe and well cared-for." You can't be responsible for your father's happiness, and if you try to be, you will always feel horrible. You are being a good daughter just by trying to take care of him. That's really all that anyone can expect of you!

This happens to all children, they end up becoming the care giver or in other words, the parent.
Making decisions by flipping a coin for a parent is not wise decision making, you need to do the
right thing, and just do what has to be done to care for your dad.

He won't come to a final decision whether to replace his caregiver, who's obviously seriously neglecting him. I didn't want to replace her for him, because I know that, although he keeps ranting about her and calling me with urgencies about her maltreatment, the day I replace her he'll start blaming me each time there is a problem with the new one.

She stopped cooking for him, lied to me that the oven isn't working and gives him only fried eggs and chicken (he'll get a heart attack in no time on this diet at his age). She won't help him eat (he can't use his hands much). She won't take him out in the sun ever. She yells at him about money issues all the time instead of talking to me. She won't help him unless he asks several times. I've asked her a million times to change these things, but she says yes and then nothing. She does keep the house clean and orderly, though.

I suppose this is about safety and therefore I should replace her without waiting for his decision, but then if the new one is worse, he'll drive me crazy with guilt.

"When you choose not to decide you still have made a choice."
Your father is at an age where arguing and complaining is probably the most exercise he gets in a day. When he loses his will to argue and complain, it will be sad.
The caregiver needs to be replaced because she lied. She is no longer to be trusted.

Greentea, I think in this situation you should do what is best for your dad. A new caregiver is clearly needed. If possible, work with him to get his input on choosing the new nurse. If he ends up blaming you for anything that goes wrong.. maybe you'll just have to be strong and take it knowing that you acted in his best interest.

Just remember that you did the best that you could and you are trying your best to make sure he has good care. Some people will complain no matter what. Just do the best you can

I'll replace her. If not for him, for me. Because he's lately started to expect me to do all the caregiver chores that she stopped doing. And I work hard enough as it is at my job, and he lives very far from my house. I can't go on shopping and cooking for him and doing all the errands and lifting at his house because he's choosing not to decide about replacing his caregiver. I'm soon to undergo a second operation in 6 months, on both my eyes, and I have a hard enough life as it is without any family relations or friends whatsoever. I cook and go crazy with chores in his house while his caregiver sits in the living room chatting with her friends on my laptop.

Yes you should fire her .
If she works from an agency, make sure to tell them about how bad she is so she wont get place in another home.

It may sound spiteful but if she is not taking care of these people someone could die because of it.

I'm also sorry your having to go through all of this.
I hope your life gets better soon.