I feel so empty...

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For many months now, I have felt so...ugh, are there any words to describe it? Like I’m stuck in a hole and unable to climb out again. Like the light at the end of the tunnel has gone out, and left me stranded. I finally just can’t take any more. None of the constant anxiety about the Sun, None of the bullying and teasing. None of the anger and hatred that

I feel isolated from everyone I once trusted. My friends could never understand, they are too wrapped up in their own little world. My parents tried, but all they did was make me feel worse, and make me feel even more alone. Yes, moving away from her family was very stressful and she is very lonely, but making me feel guilty and saying how I should find a way out of it only makes things worse.

This is why I am in this position. Because I have always been forced to hold in my feelings, all the anger and fear and sadness and anxiety. I feel as though I have always been in control, but suddenly everything has snowballed out of control.

I’m not even sure how to describe it. Just...I’m empty, and for once I can’t find a way out. I’ve no longer got anyone to turn to, because all they’ve done is left me feeling ashamed. Ashamed of the fact that I am such a screw up.

Well, you hang in there. Things can only get better... or worse but probz better. Or stay the same. But I guess if things are gonna get better, you need to find out how it is possible.

Don't despair. I have felt the way you've felt, off and on, all my life. Do you have a special interest to immerse yourself in to fill the void of emptiness? Can you go to an AS support group in your area to meet people? You might feel included for the first time in your life. I did.

The description of the hole definitely sounds like depression. It's natural to reach such a state when no one's listening to you and your coping resources do not meet your needs.

hmm. Why do you say you are a screw up? Is there one big thing you are sad about or several little things? I am not certain that this is depression so much as despair, though I should probably understand both you and the situation much better before saying such a thing. If there is the possibility of clinical depression, get help.

Meanwhile ..... there are so few things in life that cannot be fixed if fixing is your objective. We are all in the position of bridging the gulf between the people we are and the people we want to be, so you may be surprised at the degree of understanding and compassion you will find if you seek it. A person who is truly trying to make themselves a better person is just about irresistible, because that is an almost universal desire -- though it takes courage to actually go for it. Most people talk about it, but not so many actually do anything about it. Be realistic, make small positive changes toward your goal. Life truly exists in the little things.

Also, seek out the company of people who are most similar to the person you want to be. No company is better than bad company, and anyone who makes you feel bad in general or bad about yourself is bad company. Write out a list of qualities you want to cultivate in yourself and then seek these in others.

Well..I looked up some websites on depression. Most of the symptons seem to fit:

* I feel sad.
* I feel like crying a lot.
* I'm bored.
* I feel alone.
* I don't really feel sad, just "empty".
* I don't have confidence in myself.
* I don't like myself.
* I often feel scared, but I don't know why.
* I feel mad, like I could just explode!
* I feel guilty.
* I can't concentrate.
* I have a hard time remembering things.
* I don't want to make decisions - it's too much work.
* I feel like I'm in a fog.
* I'm so tired, no matter how much I sleep.
* I'm frustrated with everything and everybody.
* I feel helpless.
* I'm restless and jittery. I can’t sit still.
* I feel nervous.
* I feel disorganized, like my head is spinning.
* I feel self-conscious.
* I can't think straight. My brain doesn't seem to work.
* I feel my life has no direction.
* I feel life isn’t worth living.
* My whole body feels slowed down - my speech, my walk, and my movements.
* I don't feel like taking care of my appearance.
* Occasionally, my heart pounds, I can't catch my breath, and I feel tingly.
* My vision feels strange and I feel I might pass out. The feeling passes in seconds, but I'm afraid it will happen again.
* Sometimes I feel like I'm losing it.
* I feel "different" from everyone else.
* I smile, but inside I'm miserable.
* I have difficulty falling asleep or I awaken between 1 A.M. and 5 A.M. and then I can't get back to sleep.
* My appetite has diminished - food tastes so bland.
* I have headaches.
* I have stomachaches.
* My arms and legs hurt.
* I feel nauseous.
* I'm dizzy.
* Sometimes my vision seems blurred or slow.
* I'm clumsy.
* My neck hurts.

If I am depressed...what am I meant to do? I don't have anyone in my life to turn to. I tried to talk to my mum about some of the things that are bothering me, and yet again her answer to the problem was to tell me that if I was so unhappy with my classes at school she would find me a new school. I don't want that, not when for the first time I acutally have people to sit with, and someone who understands me to some degree.

Though of course, the one person who understands me knows nothing about my disabilties. Great.

I did brilliantly in my exams last year, but for some reason they stuck me in the low class. Completely and utterly thick and stupid people who know nothing about the real world. They yell and are so loud, they tease me for being British and everything is dumbed down to an unbelieveable degree of stupidity. I can't stand it. And Mum's idea of help was to snap at me that if I found it that bad she would find me a new school. Right, really helpful.

In fact, let me talk about my Mum for a second. The one person I thought I could talk to about anything, but now has left me even more alone than ever. No, making me feel guilty will not help. Telling me that I should just change schools will not help. Making me feel as though everything is my fault only makes things worse.

I'm not allowed out by myself, only with my friends who talk about nothing meaningful and do not care about my mental state as long as I can pretend. I cannot do anything, because that would mean having to let me parents know and deal with more useless talk about how I should learn to deal with my problems. There isn't anything I can do. Not really.


And another thing...How do you explain to people the greif you still feel for your kitten who was hit by a car 9 years ago? Because around here, animals are just animals, it dies and you replace it.

EDIT: Would pulling out body hair count as self harm. I've been doing it my whole life. First it was my hair, then my eyelashes, then my eyebrows and now the hair on my arms and legs. Strangely I find it soothing and relaxing, but maybe there is something wrong.

Here's a more thoughtful and considered response, for what it's worth...

If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, has feathers like a duck... chances are, it's a duck. Know what I mean? It's rare that someone suffering depression recognises it themselves; usually it's those around them, whilst they insist it's external factors making them feel that way. So you've made an important first step in recognizing you're depressed.

Where to now? Dunno. Perhaps see a GP. Maybe they'll prescribe antidepressants; maybe they have a policy of not prescribing antidepressants. Some other form of therapy might be needed alongside.

In the US I'd recommend talking to the school counselor. Do they have those in Australia?