my selfish realization

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My therapist told me a couple months ago that I should use "acting" skills in order to convey the emotions that I am unable to effectively communicate to my family. I have been able to do this with some success with my family (which was my goal)---and for that I am happy. My therapist did not mention anything about trying to use those skills on the rest of the world I come in contact with---but I have found that I have often used "acting" to try to cover-up my horribly awkward social skills so that I do not appear impolite.

I am tired of acting! It has stressed me out. I am tired of walking to my classroom in the mornings (where I teach) and saying "hello, how are you?" to each staff member I come in contact with in the hallways. I feel like I am in a daze when I communicate. I would rather stay in my world. Why can't people understand me? (The WrongPlanet understands this---but the world in which I must live everyday is not the WrongPlanet)---it is this foreign neurotypical world that I am not a part of. I am in the autistic world. I cannot effectively interact with the NT world and feel at ease. Though I do not fear people, I am however awkward around them (I always have been this way).

I can set in a meeting without any problem. I can set in a restaurant without any problem. I can shop in a mall without any problem. My problems occur when the people in the meeting keep trying this @%$# chit chat with me and thumping me on the shoulder to try to get my attention. They had my attention (I just don't look them in the eye like they expect I should). I hate people pecking on my shoulder. I don't want to be touched by them. And I wish the waiters/waitresses would quit coming to my table every two minutes and asking, "Is everything all right?" If something isn't right, I will tell them. I hate sitting down on a bench in the mall while my wife and sons shop so I can rest and this same type of guy sits down near me and begins talking. Aghhhhh!! !! I don't know this person---why must they chit chat. I hate social chit chat!! !

I want a t-shirt that says, "I am autistic, please leave me alone."

Sorry for the ranting. I feel better now. I am not a horrible person. It's just that the NT world that I must deal with does not understand those of us that are autistic (I know some do, but most do not).

My selfish realization is this. I have tried to "act" in my social world at times. But why? With 30 people in a given environment, who am I---just one more person in the crowd---will it really make a significant difference how I (this one person amongst a bunch of others) behaves? Is that going to make a difference in this NT environment? "No." What actually happens is I become miserable in trying to interact. I am tired of it. I just want to be myself. Why can't this world understand me/us?

As I have said in mutliple postings---I love being autistic. I would not give up my autism for all the money in the world. Autism is me, and I am proud of it.

Thank you for listening to me on this stressful morning.

I can relate to what you say, an AS expert (who actually dx'd me only with social phobia) said I would have benefited from taking teathre classes.

Regarding the t-shirt you may like this one

Link

That is a good t-shirt. I had not seen that one before. Thank you for the link.

Hey gilder18 - I don't think you're being selfish at all. Social interaction is tiring, because of the way we have to "act" to do it (it would be so much easier if we had a real "script" to go along with the acting.)

I've managed the same way for years - without even realizing why I was doing it. I have a persona that I use for social interaction (pretty much based on my father, who had such an effortless way of interacting with people.) It exhausts me.

I've learned that we have to choose our battles (and the job of acting in social situations IS a battle.) I have absolutely no compunction against visibly flinching and/or cringing when someone touches me uninvited. They never do it a second time. Given the opportunity (like those touchy-feely team-building sessions we often have at my job), I will state my preferences early on for not being touched - everybody has always been really nice about it.

I also get annoyed at waiters "checking up" on me in restaurants (never during those long, awkward silences when my dinner companion & I run out of things to say - they wait until I'm in the middle of an interesting story to "stop by & see how everything is going.") But that's one battle I don't want to fight, since I want them to serve me well.

But I have no problem being rude to strangers who come up to me & want to chat. I'll never see them again anyway.

So anyway, I know exactly where you're coming from - and I hope that you get a break to recharge soon.

Thank you zeichner, I am glad you understand me---sounds like we have some things in common here.

You mentioned your father and his effortless socializing---my father is a big socializer in our community. I am so opposite him. I stunk at baseball (couldn't hit the ball to save my life)---and he was once a professional baseball player. In basketball I couldn't shoot a lay-up at all---and he was like the school's greatest basketball player of all-time when he played in the 1950s. I always felt like I disappointed him in the sports venue---I took to music. But he seems to love my music---so I think he is proud of me.

Thanks for sharing the way you handle the touchy feely stuff at meetings. I may try those the next time. And the waiters/waitresses---Yes!! ! They always seem to come around at the exact moment I am trying to talk to my family---and not during the silent time.

And true, the strangers we will never see again.

Thanks for responding---I do feel better. Sometimes, I just have to vent.

Me too. I had to let go of a friend because of my aspiness...
The thing is I have sat and talked to him on what I am like, and how I love my alone time at work, (he would come to my cubical every day on every break). He did not listen, while he is a nice person, he is just too needy, and thus our social perspectives just weren't compatiable.

I am glad I am not his friend anymore... I am learning just how childish he is.

I can very much understand your opening statements, i've been thinking along similar lines. But I have an answer to most of your questions.

Why must you do this? Because of what you want out of life. If you have a job/family situation where you can be what you want and behave how you like without negative consequences, go for it. For most people however, we have to grease the social wheels even though it costs us dearly... at the least, the acting gets easier with practice.