Maybe I'm Just Too Fragile to Exist :(

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Hey all...*sighs*...

Something happened tonight that seriously made me think hard about the way I think and behave on the outside.

You see, I was keeping my brother company in his room, playing a RPG on his PS2, and he was feeling only a wee bit ticked off about how I was wanting to persist in taking on a boss battle MY way, not his way. Now, this wasn't even my profile; I was helping HIM out of the goodness of my heart, because he rarely ever plays through ANY video game by himself at ALL.
But anyways, eventually, he'd gotten fed up and asked me if I could please stop and reload. After 2 'just gimme another minute's, I conceded and walked away, rather upset, because I thought I upset him more then he was.

Now, when I'm aware that I've upset someone, I'm not the kind of person that just goes 'ah well, f**k them' and move on with my life...oh no...I AGONIZE about it for hours on end, and keep in in my memory banks for like a couple of days, keeping my distance from them until I'm SURE it's safe to talk with them again.

Well, I tried to make amends with my brother later on in the evening by bringing in a game I thought he'd like to try, and he agreed. But the moment I settled into his room, I said the thing that made me seriously think about my life. I asked him "Be honest with me, do you think I'm a freak because of the way I react to bad situations?"

And his reaction? "If that's what this gathering was all about, then get out of here. I refuse to talk about that anymore." As if he was completely disgusted with the fact that I HAVEN'T F***ING MOVED ON! And you know what? He's completely right! Even though he'd forgiven me hours ago, I STILL HAD NOT DROPPED THE ISSUE. It's like, my mind absolutely cannot fathom the concept of family forgiveness!

And if I'm this way with my own family, how am I going to cope in the outside? Well, I can't the way I am now...but how can I change when I'm too true to my own 'values'? It's because I care, that I mope about my accidentally ticking off my family...

I'm really messed up...I need some advice...please.

Usagi1992

Drink something warm and get some sleep.

I can identify with this so much. If I feel I've upset someone I apologize obsessively, and even when it seems they've forgiven me I need to hear it at least twice before I can relax and really trust that things are okay. And then I sometimes still obsess over it mentally.

I don't think you're too fragile to exist- some people are simply more sensitive then others and at times to the extreme. I think there are ways you can work on this without abandoning your values. This sensitivity is a positive trait, it simply comes with a down side. I'm trying to do the same thing myself. I simply remind myself that there's only so much you can do to repair a situation with another person- after that you simply have to step back and let them do what they will. And I'm not saying it's easy- even when I try this I still obsess.

I'm sorry you had such a rough night. Hope tomorrow's better for you.

Thank you...that gives me a little bit of hope

You're welcome. I'm glad it helped you feel a little better

I used to sweat over tiny things all the time that I couldn't let go. Don't worry, you'll get better at realizing how small of a deal things are and how soon people forget.

I'm like that too. I tink too much about dem being mad or upset. If dey say noting about it. Den just know that they are good wif you and that you don't have to worry =]]. It takes time to learn that but I'm sure you can.

I obsess over people upsetting me. If someone treats me unfairly or especially treats me like a ret*d, an inanimate object, an animal, a machine or a child, I obsess and obsess and obsess about it and demand and demand and demand until that person apoligizes for what they did, or explains how they weren't doing that at all. If they admit they did it, I never speak to them again. If they tell me that they actally weren't doing that but that there was another reason they were doing such-and-such and it appeared that they were treating me that way, I forgive them. So I'm what she thoght her brother was... upset at little things (that nevertheless do matter).

Brother, I can relate to you in so many ways.

When I do something wrong, it is not like with other people. Usually the matter is minor, like something with my dad, and I tend to stand near him with my face downcast for a moment, and then I say I am sorry. I know this makes him feel uncomfortable. NTs really do not understand the "strange" behaviors we autistics often indulge in.

When I do something wrong and someone is hurt emotionally or physically, I tend to engage in self-abuse or flagellation, so to speak. I will provide a single example of this.

My sister is in the habit of using my computer because her computer broke down. It was late, well after midnight, and I was tired and wanted to check my e-mail and WP before bed. She had left the room to go do something in her bedroom, and she had closed the door to her bedroom (this was a sign to me that she had went to bed). However, there were at least 4 programs running on the computer when she left, so I closed them out. About 5 minutes later, she came back and opened the door, and said in a sarcastic tone "Oh, I guess you closed everything out, thanks Ryan." After she said this and closed the door, I immediately bowed my head and sat there for a few minutes. I got overheated. I got to such an emotional low that I proceeded (in private) to slap myself several times in rapid succession.

I felt that was not enough, so I went out to the kitchen, where both of my sisters were rummaging through the fridge (for a snack) and stood near the end of the counter, and slapped myself, again in rapid succession somewhere between 10-21 times. My sisters told me I was acting like a baby and the little one that I had offended told me that I was "pissing her off." So before retreating into the solitude of my room, I told them "I have committed my penance," to which they replied "Ryan, just go, just leave us alone."

Thus, that is my experience. Anyone can comment on it if they so choose.

Well, I tend to cling onto something I heard Snoopy say at the end of a Sunday Peanuts strip. The context of it was, he was told by Sally to hold onto her balloon while she did some errands, with the command 'whatever you do, don't let go of it!'

Well, after waiting like 20 minutes, he fell asleep, and upon waking up, he yawned...thus letting go of the balloon! It took him 12 seconds to realize what he'd done, but it JOLTED him awake immediately! The last frame was of him walking along the railroad tracks at night, carrying all his possessions in a handkerchief tied to a stick, and thinking the words that to my dying day, I'll never forget:

"Make one mistake, and you pay for it the rest of your life!"

That, in a nutshell, really expresses how a feel about NT people. They're not the kind who let you forget anything you've done wrong; they keep reminding you in subtle ways...day and night.

Usagi1992

*reads animeboy's response*...

*pssht* Wrong Planet, this is Usagi1992. We have a drama king in our presence. Repeat, we've got a drama king. Over. *pssht*

Nah, just kidding, mang. I think it was brave of you to come forth and admit something that even I've never come close to doing, i.e. hitting myself in front of my family. My way of repenting either consists of flat out selling something of theirs back to a store to spite them, or to buy them something nice for compensation. For instance, if I accidentally eat something in the house that belonged to someone else, I make it a habit to buy them 2 of the same thing, to make myself feel better.

And to call you a drama king would be like the pot calling the kettle black, as I've had my moments too, but I'm more of a drama prince. I know what emotions provoke reactions from my family, but I don't take it too far. I'm a master at keeping my poker hand close to my chest at all times, i.e. keep my family guessing ALL the time as to what makes me tick, and what my motives are.

Awww....I feel bad for you both. I find that people do tend to forget most things pretty quickly and if they don't, well, it's their fault and you didn't do anything wrong. You didnt know she wasn't done using the computer yet! It wasn't your fault. But she probably could not interpret your response - your hitting yourself - to mean "I'm sorry." She probably just thought you were "being weird." It might be better next time to just say "I'm sorry for closing your programs out. I didn't know you weren't done." And leave it at that, then leave the room. That's the kind of penance that NTs usually understand a bit better.
Kate