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Well, obviously not. But I assumed if I did just put a period or a dash for the subject line the post would be moderated out of existence. Not that I've had any bad experiences with the mods here (yet).

And I'm not ever sure if I should be here, in The Haven. I don't have a spectrum DX yet, though I'm scheduled for evaluation in May.

And I'm not sure I should have put my age in my profile, or mentioned that I've been drawing disability benefits for most of my adult life because if it is confirmed i'm on the autism spectrum, I'm not exactly a shining example of functionality, which isn't very encouraging.

And that lack of functionality is worrying me that I may not be aspie after all, because all the adult aspies i'm seeing here and other places on the web seem to have jobs and/or families of their own.

I want a spectrum DX because I think I've been mis-categorized and mis-diagnosed all my life

I don't know what to say.

Earlier, I was talking to my mom on the phone about how my cell phone is malfunctioning and I suspect it's going to die soon and how I've been reading about how PDAs can be so helpful for people with executive function deficits - one of my main problem areas, and she had me on speakerphone and my dad overheard me and joined the conversation with "those things are expensive." I replied that some are and some aren't. Then he raised his voice and said, "Do you know what a PDA is?!"

I hung up. Of course I know what a PDA is. I've been reading everything I can find about PDAs for the past week. In another week I'll be a PDA expert. I just couldn't figure out what to say. Just exactly how much I know what a PDA is. If only I could have plugged my brain into my cell and uploaded everything I knew about PDAs, he'd see that I am not the moron he makes me out to be.

And I've been practically catatonic since I hung up 4 hours ago. I had some stuff I was going to do but i've been incapable of doing anything. I've just been _________. Which is what I wanted to express here. All I really wanted to do was express _________. and my frustration with it, but it occured to me it would be even more frustrating to express _________. in an autistic support forum and be deleted, so I've spent the last hour trying to express it a little better.

Don't worry about being on disability. I'll be on disability in another 3 months or so, and in the meantime I'll be on welfare (haven't gotten the first check yet though). There should be a space for people on disability to talk too, about their disabilities and trying to solve them. Being on disability doesn't make you less functional; it's just that usually, all your functioning power is going towards solving your problems. Just like when you're sick and you pass out, it's not that you're unconscious, it's that your consciousness is directed inside you trying to solve your physical problem.

Yeah, being on disability isn't that unusual here, lots of us are (including me). Don't worry about that "not a shining example of functionality" stuff either - even most NTs aren't shining examples of functionality You just have to find a job that lets you do what you're good at/interested in.

I was self-diagnosed when I joined here, I only got a Dr's diagnosis last month, so don't let that stop you either. I think you'll fit in here just fine.

I'm glad you're researching the PDAs before buying - there's an enormous price range on most electronics - I'm sure you'll find a better deal than the first one you see. Check the disability area of your state's website, they may be able to help pay for the PDA if your Dr says you need it for the executive function problem, you never know. Maybe your health insurance too, assuming you're lucky enough to have insurance. Don't pay for it yourself before you try your best to find some help. And don't let your dad's lack of faith in your abilities bother you - my dad's the same way.

People are still just as important regardless of how 'functional' they may or may not be in mainstream society. People shouldn't be defined by what other people might see as success or lack of.

And I know what you mean about researching something and becoming somewhat 'expert' at the same time as not being able to convey the knowledge verbally, meaning that people think you don't even have this knowledge - it can be very frustrating.

I also know very well how it is to become totally thrown and blank because of communication not going very well.

So your definitely not alone with this type of thing.

I find that writing about it [I use blogs] is often more frustrating at the time but helps get it out my system and make sense of it so I can move on quicker. I would never be able to verbalise how I felt, in a way that I am satisfied with or in a way that I feel gets my point across, thorough enough, which is why writing is more helpful.

Hopefully now you were able to write it and some time is past you may soon feel a bit better.

Thanks, Stray-Ana, KaliMa, and Ana54.

Writing about it did help a little, though in truth I only have slightly less of a problem writing than verbalizing when I'm like that. It's not that I didn't have the words - I had too many of them and they all needed expressing at once, which was of course impossible.

The only thing I'm really good at is creating visual art. Mostly abstract and/or focused on aesthetic appeal in terms of color, line, contrast, complexity or lack of it, and balance... rather than containing any deep meaning. This has been my central interest since I can remember. It's not a job, though sometimes I consider my disability benefits to be sort of an art grant. I just went through a different process to get it.

And mostly I can't complain, and I'm not generally down on myself. Just when I have to verbalize beyond "yes", "no", "please", and 'thanks", is when things start to go bad for me. Writing is much less stressful. I can take my time to sort out exactly what I want to say.

I doubt if Medicare will buy me a PDA, but I will look into it.