Our relationship is probably over.

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I keep bringing up things that bother me about how my boyfriend treated me in the past and he is so sick and tired of it that our relationship is probably over.


He shouldn't have made me tell him that that was the last time I would do it.


Also, check out this thread: http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt93732.html


For the record, we have a 3-month-old son. He's staying with him down in Texas, and I'm up here in British Columbia, Canada, visiting my parents.


We promised each other we would stay together, and I meant it when I promised him, but maybe we shouldn't have promised. We honestly thought it was over and there were no more issues to bring up. I thought I'd brought up all of them, but there was this little thing in the back of my head telling me there was more but I didn't pay attention to it, and now the "more" stuff has come to the surface. I am finally able to explain it, so I do, but my boyfriend says I promised I wouldn't do that anymore and is mad at me.

Last edited by Ana54 on 13 Mar 2009, 5:29 pm, edited 2 times in total.

Does he still treat you the way he did in the past?

I don't know if he would treat me like a child again if there was another crisis. Once we had a crisis and he treated me like a child. I need reassurance from him that it won't happen again (the treating me like a child). I needed reassurance about other things too before, that he wouldn't do them again, that's why I kept on him like this about this or that from the past.

Okay I have read your other thread about how he is treating you like a child but after reading your reply here, it sounds like you have had a talk with him about how he makes you feel by how he treats you, am I right?

Yes, and he doesn't wantto talk about it because he doesn't like talking about things like this.

All the men I know would rather claw out their eyes than have the kind of conversation you want to have with your BF. It's the way males are built.

Why is that? I've noticed it's true, too, but I think women feel those sorts of conversations are necessary for their well-being.
Huh, guys? Why is it that you hate to talk about "the relationship"?

I lready miss him, but he let me down, so I can't get back with him. I hate to let him go, though.


He was so gentle and sweet and kind. For a second I was worried that he might treat me like a child, which is my only phobia, but he seemed too sensitive to my feelings to be the type to do that. (I was wrong; he let me down.)


He was so good-looking, and always smelled and tasted nice. He even tasted nice when he never brushed his teeth. And I loved running my fingers through his beautiful long hair!


When I left to come visit my parents up in Canada, he said that he was broke but that if I wanted to go back to him in a week he was sure he could scrounge up enough money for my bus fare.


He is so gentle and sweet and kind to our 3-month-old son. He always plays with him and makes sure he is amused when he is awake and that he gets enough to eat. He buys him exciting toys.


When I start crying for no reason he asks me what's wrong and listens and gives me a big hug.


I'm so sad to lose him!


But I've already started to talk to another man on WP again, Another guy one of my oldest friends on here. I admit that I'm chasing him. We almost got into a relationship last year but then I ran off with himinstead. Another guy doesn't like the way he treated me, even though I have complaints about another guy, too. Another guy says he'll always respect me.


But what if I get back with him? Part of me wants so bad for him to apologize and knows I'll blow it if I start a relationship with another guy now. I think I may be talking to another guy too soon, but I wanted so badly for SOMEONE, RIGHT AWAY, to tell me that what he did to me was wrong and that ANOTHER GUY would respect me.

From talking to males (NT), the general response is that they don't know what to say... having been discouraged from expressing their feelings (save from a few rather independent individuals), there is not enough experience to have confidence in their ability communicate. Some can't articulate what they feel... personally, there are times that I worry that will not be able to convey what I am thinking without making the other person defensive.

Ana... I don't know what to say in response to your post. While I can understand your concern and hurt, there are also considerations that extend beyond yourself here. It concerns me, to be honest... and leaping to another situation rarely helps at all. Please take care of yourself, and slow down a little bit.


M.

This isn't looking good for me and him. He thinks I'm fighting about soap, which isn't the point at all. I feel so bad, he''s such a sweet guy and I'm torturing him, but I have to tell him these things for my own mental health.

And he thinks I'm fighting about soap because I didn't know how to articulate MY feelings, about being told what to do as though I didn't know what to do, being told what not to touch and what not to step in and where in the house not to go, as though I didn't already know the crap was a bit dangerous. And if he was thinking I didn't know because he didn't tell me it contained mercury, well he should have swallowed his upset and told me. Then I would have been able to do it all for myself. But no, he wanted to keep me in the dark and do it all for me, and having to think about it anyway. Somehow, that was less upsetting for him than telling me and having to think about it that way.

Maybe you could try relationship counselling? I wouldn't want to lose a guy like that, he sounds really nice.

I used to call it the "who left the cap off the toothpaste" battle.

It never was about the toothpaste. I find trying to hash out emotional situations with men unsatisfying because men don't want to TALK about stuff, they only want to offer suggestions on how to FIX the superficial stuff. I have been told that 'well, if you didn't want to TALK about the toothpaste getting dried and crusty, why did you start out the conversation that way?" arrrrggghhhh! what is it about analogy don't you get? But then most men are problem solvers and if they are into figuring it out and finding a way to fix it, we had better tell them up front exactly what the issue is.

By husband number two, I was starting to get an inkling of how to present an issue. I would plan a menu for dinner, and while I was shopping and cooking I would also be mulling over the issue in my mind, working out my passion and emotion into the food and by the time I was ready to serve, and he had his feet under the table, I was ready to feed him both the delish dinner and my thoughts on both what the issue was and if he was interested in helping me 'fix' it. Not everything went smoothly, of course, but I realized half the heat and resentment was from my guy being blindsided by an arguement obstensibly about toothpaste and him keeping it about toothpaste was his way of diminishing my arguement in retaliation for blindsiding him.

live and learn

Merle

That exactly describes what's going on here, Merle.


Except it doesn't help me explain any better how he treated me like a child that night.


I don't know about my "new boyfriend", whom I'll call Allen. Maybe it's just what he says, that lying about his age is the one vanity he allows himself, and he still won't show him his ID until... never mind. I talked to his coworkers before, and they found him okay, I think. He lied to me about his age before, and I hope it's just because of his vanity and not because he has a habit of lying. He told me one story about how a gay guy was beaten up in the Army when Allen was in the Army and how he knew him and how the gay guy was discharged and got 200% disability, when Stan and his mother (both Stan's parents were in the military) say that that's impossible, that that's not how it works, that Stan's mother couldn't get even more but still partial disability when she turned 65, and she had bad knees. So they say Allen was lying to me about that.

Last edited by Ana54 on 14 Mar 2009, 7:53 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I miss him so much!


He always knew when I was upset. Even though he did upset me sometimes and what I was upset about was sometimes about something he did, and he usually knew that and apologized for what he did. Like once when we were in the shower together. He said, "That's not how you wash your hair, this is how you wash your hair" and started washing my hair for me. He saw that I was upset later after we got out of the shower and said "Did I upset you by washing your hair for you?" I said that I'd had hair for 20 years, all my life. And, however I'd washed it, I'd survived. He said he was sorry that he treated me like I hadn't had hair for 20 years and didn't know how to wash it. I was just daydreaming and distracted that day; that's why I wasn't washing my hair thoroughly enough.


But sometimes he upset me and didn't understand why what he did would upset me and didn't apologize. Like when I was washing some grapes and I knew they were touching the gunk in the bottom of the sink and I was trying to fix that by moving the grapes and keeping on running water through them, but he came and told me that that's not how you wash grapes, that you can't let them touch the gunk in the bottom of the sink. I knew that, of course, and had noticed (I wasn't that out of it!) and was trying to correct it. But it was difficult to do it because there wasn't much room in the sink. He then saw that I was upset and said, "Do you not like it when I look out for you?" UUUUGH!

Children drop an old toy for a new toy all the time. Sometimes they think on the old toy, but the new one is so fascinating - unknown, and the old one is so warm and comforting but you knew it was like and loved it so.


sometimes we seem like children to others, even when we feel we are standing up proudly on our own two feet. It's mostly our choices we take that make so much sense to us, but to others, it seems like we are way off the mark, and worse, not learning from choices we have made before. No one is in our heads but us. ~sigh~ and no one can tell us nothin' we don't wanna hear.

Merle

I just got an email from him.

I was chronically preoccupied and depressed, that's why I didn't wash my hair thoroughly, yet he still insists that I didn't know how to wash it, just because I didn't know how to do other things.