Another incident involving my boyfriend

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One day, when I was pregnant, I wanted to go to the mall. My boyfriend an Aspie and member of WP,, whom I'll call Stan, and I knew that I threw up most of the times we got in the car and drove, but I was so depressed and understimulated that I needed something to do, something to stimulate me. It was a hlf-hour drive, but we drove to the mall. I threw up on the way, but I was okay to walk around in the mall. On the way back, I threw up and threw up and threw up and even after we got home I kept throwing up and couldn't stop. Stan talked about calling an ambulance but he decided to drive me to the emergency room becase it was probably faster than waiting for an ambulance. So we got in the car. I was still throwing up. I started to throw up blood. I told Jack I was throwing up blood. He looked in my barf bowl and saw that I had thrown up some blood and chunks of my stomach. I assumed that those white things in my vomit was just spit, but Stan knew it was chunks of my stomach. When we got to the ER, since I didn't know it was chunks of my stomach, I dumped my vomit out into a flower bed outside. JAck said "Don't do that! We have to show them!" It was then that he knew that I didn't know I had thrown up pieces of my stomach.
But he didn't tell me. But it wasn't that he didn't think I could handle the truth; he knew I could.
We sat down in the waiting room after telling the people at the desk what was wrong and checking in. Without an explanation, Stan got up and went outside with a cup. He picked up the pieces of my stomach and came back in and showed it to the nurse but I didn't know what he was doing. He then came back and sat with me, holding the cup of my guts with a napkin covering the top, but still didn't tell me what it was. He later told me that he didn't tell me what I had thrown up because I wasn't in any shape to carry on a conversation. But he told me some things when we were sitting there. He told me, "From now on your health and safety comes before your stimulation." He told me, "You're kneeling on the floor so that you're in the proper position to throw up, right?" He told me, "Go on and moan, make as much noise as you can because they'll take you faster." He could have told me what I had thrown up or explained to me what he'd been doing outside and what was in the cup he was holding. It would have taken less time than telling me those other things. He could have told me, "I picked up the pieces and showed them to the nurse and the doctor and now they'll take you faster." But he didn't tell me, and I was left wondering, though I was too sick to wonder for long.
Then when they took me, and I stopped vomiting for a while but before they gave me the drugs, he could have told me then but he didn't. Did he really think I was that out of it? He didn't think I was too out of it for him to tell me the other things, so why did he think I was too out of it for him to tell me what I had thrown up? Also, I wasn't that unconscious, and he treated me like I was more out of it than I was. Instead of telling me "It's okay, it will go fast now that I showed them the pieces"-- which would have reassured me-- he remained silent and just sat there next to me saying nothing. He should have given me the benefit of the doubt and treated me like I was fully conscious and aware, in case I was.
And I had the right to know what I had thrown up!
Then they gave me anti-nausea drugs that put me to sleep, so he couldn't tell me then.
The next day (I was admitted to the hospital) they gave me my antipsychotic meds and more of the anti-throwup meds, which both had a sedative effect and put me really out of it, so most of that day he couldn't tell me. But I woke up to eat, and he could have told me then. Why didn't he?
The medical staff didn't tell me because they assumed I already knew.
He only told me after I got home from the hospital the day after that. He was still upset about me being sick even though I was well again and had been prescribed phenergan to make sure it didn't happen again.


What bothers me is this:


1. He treated me like I was less conscious than I was. He should have given me the benefit of the doubt and treated me like I was fully aware, just in case I was aware enough to need reassurance, which I was. I was also aware enough to be able to understand bad news, even if I couldn't talk about it. I felt ignored, but my mouth was too busy moaning and vomiting so I couldn't express that to him, so he should have assumed I needed attention.
2. He told me those three other things, so he knew I could listen to conversation, but he didn't tell me what I had thrown up. (He knew I could handle the truth; it wasn't that he kept it from me because he thought I couldn't handle it.)
3. He was still upset about the incident after it was over.
4. He wasn't too freaked out to tell the nurse and the doctor, so why couldn't he have told me?
(He knew I was not a wimp and could handle the truth; it wasn't that.)


Yes, I appreciate him caring enough to pick up my guts with his bare hands. That isn't what this is about. What this is about is him not being openly honest with me about my own condition.

Last edited by Ana54 on 15 Mar 2009, 12:45 pm, edited 6 times in total.

Maybe he was too freaked out to tell you. Given the situation, he probably wasn't thinking too clearly himself.

I hope you're ok now, and feeling a lot better.

He wasn't too freaked out to tell the nurse and the doctor. Why would he be too freaked out to tell me?

because he is only human. You have written him a script on how you think he should behave and you have not let him read it, you expect him to be psychic and just know how you think life should be. It's called 'a period of adjustment' when people get to know each other and learn to live together. Married people go through it. Gentle loving gestures are rejected because the other one does not understand it is for sharing not because of disrespect for the other. Learning to give another the space to make mistakes and not be perfect is difficult, but so rewarding.

Merle

People do some crazy stuff when they're really sick. It's possible they didn't tell you, because they didn't want you to freak out. It could have been an extreme ulcer, or something like that. He got you to the hospital, got you in to the medical care. I give him points for that.

Men tend to freak out when women they care about are in pain. This was why there was a long tradition of men not being present during childbirth (it was a death sentance for a husband in ancient Rome, believe it or not).

He obviously cares about you. When someone is that ill, the first thing that should be done is get you the care you need, asap. While you may have been more on the ball than anyone suspected, it still takes second place to saving your life. Don't be too hard on him.

My guess is he was trying to be protective and handle it himself and not worry you if possible.

He knew I was not a wimp and could handle the truth. Doctors tell their very sick patients the truth all the time and the patients handle it just fine.


I had a right to know because it was MY body, and I am not a wimp and can handle the truth even when I am sick! If he didn't think I could handle that, then he also must think I wouldn't be able to handle the truth about my diagnosis if I had cancer or something. The one thing I counted on in our relationship is him not treating me like a scared little child, but like a person who can handle bad news no matter how sick they are. And if he did not tell me because he thought I could not handle the truth, he is wrong and it is over between us.


If I'm dying, I want to know. I'm not the kind of person who wants it kept secret from them so that they won't be scared. That kind of babying you describe, zghost, makes me sick and would have made me sicker had I known what he was doing. It's also an extreme insult to my ability to handle things.


The only thing that traumatizes me is when people treat me like I can't handle trauma. Seriously.

I can't even begin to speculate about what was going on in his head but what I can say is you need to go talk to him. People invasion what they believe to be normal behavior when faced with extreme situations but really there are millions of reactions, some you can see someone you cannot, they are all normal.

Ana54, I hate to say it, but it sounds like you don't appreciate your boyfriend at all. He drove you to the mall, and when you got sick, he got you proper medical care, instead of just brushing off your concerns. Here's why I think he didn't tell you: you were under enough stress as it is, and he didn't want to add to your stress by giving you the dirty details about your condition. If you were that curious, you could have easily asked him. Instead, you expect him to read your mind, and get angry when he's unable to do so, like some NT wives do all the time. And to add insult to the injury, you're pouring dirt on him here on WP.

If you already yelled at him (which I hope you didn't), apologize ASAP; he deserves it. Then if you still must know what happened to your stomach, ask your boyfriend again. Once the worst is already over, he should have a much easier time telling you. In the end, I'm going to say this: if I got my girlfriend proper medical care, and she thanked me by yelling at me, I'd break up with her on the spot, no questions asked.

Aspie1, I want to be treated like I can handle the truth. Like I said in my last post. The only thing that trauumatizes me is being treated like I can't handle trauma.


And no, I didn't yell at him. I just told him what bothered me, and he got upset at me.


And I said I DID appreciate him. But that's not what this topic is about. You make me angry by telling me I don't appreciate him.

She deff. did appreciate him, but I agree the point of this thread is what made her mad, nothing more.

She IS a big girl and can take the truth, no matter how ugly it is.

[locked with the permission of the OP by sinsboldly]