My mother destroyed my self-esteem.

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My mother, Darlene, attacked my cognitive function continuously over the years. She called me foolish, silly, helpless, hopeless, childish (she called me this a lot), childlike, naive (about this and that and EVERYTHING), and probably more. She often said I had no insight, no judgment, and no common sense. Especially the last one; throughout my teenage years she always said I had no common sense. At least once a week. She only said a few good things about me: that I'm "nice looking" (which means nothing to me; I want a compliment about my cognitive functioning, not about my physical appearance) and that I'm smart (though she called me all those synonyms for stupid) and that I wrote well-- one tiny little quality, and she didn't think I had any other good qualities at all related to cognitive functioning. She often said "AS makes you unable to understand this", "AS makes her oblivious to that", "Because of your AS you don't see the big picture, you don't see this, you don't do that, you don't like or enjoy this." When she was being positive, she was still talking about my AS: "You have AS but you can overcome it" (like it's something I might want to get rid of like a disease).


She also made degrading comments about me that one might make about someone severely developmentally disabled: "You take one step forward, then you take two steps back!" Angrily. Like I was disabled cognitively, and like it was my fault.


She says I don't understand her or other people because of my AS, but she doesn't understand me at all, nor does she understand my father sometimes, and she doesn't have any friends.


She wold PERSEVERATE on my AS when I was first diagnosed. She acted like a person with AS herself, but in a negative way. And she scored higher than me on an AS test.


She then went on about my poor self-esteem, but guess who caused me to have poor self-esteem? Her, saying she understood me because she read all these books on AS, saying I didn't understand things I actually understood, telling people I had sensitivity to lod noises when I don't, getting brainwashed by the books, and thinking I had all the stuff mentioned in the books just because I had some of it. Most of it I don't have. And she read those really condescending books that treat people with AS like crap, saying we all have terrible hygiene and we all need speech therapy.


She sided with my enemies, telling me I had to dress like them to fit in and not giving me a choice of whether I wanted to fit in or not, and demanding I do it, and I said no, and she said yes, and I said no, and she said yes, round and round and round.


And the explaining simple things to me like I didn't understand them. Things about life, and about social situations, and when I was younger, even things about AS.


I'm angry at her. I'm going to show her this. She'll be mad at me for posting about her on WP, but too f*****g bad for her; she earned it.

from what you have said about yourself-you should be proud of yourself

sure people are gonna say things-but that doesn't mean you need to believe or listen to them

Another thing is that she's so nice and kind and understanding sometimes. I have to give credit where credit is due. She promised me and adamantly said that if I named her as my proxy decision-maker on my medical advance directive (a document telling medical staff how I want to be treated if something happens to me and I can't speak for myself) she would totally, 100% respect my rights and wishes, and defend them, and that she wouldn't think things like like "Well, you have to be flexible, so let me make this one little exception to her rules" and stuff like that. But I still don't trust her 100%, even though I trust her because she has defended me and my wishes to people in the past. And I don't know if I even trust my boyfriend, Jack. What if he's so out of his mind with worry and guilt that he's unable to talk about things like this (he's been in that state before) and doesn't defend me or make the medical staff aware of my advance directive? Even though he read my advance directive and agrees with it and says it's good.


Anyway, I'm getting off topic.

just take it as an experience.
your concious about it and about yourself it seems, so obviously, your self esteem didnt get completely ruined.

the more you get thrown at you, the higher your resistance gets.

Ana, your mum sounds pretty normal to me (or at least, my mum sounds a bit like that at times).

Ana, your mum sounds pretty normal to me (or at least, my mum sounds a bit like that at times).

I had a mother like yours. She was such a private person I had no connection or bond with her. I bonded with my dad instead.

She was critical, criticial, critical.
She was controlling, controlling, controlling.

It took me years to grieve my mom. I grieved her years before she died. I had to grieve not really having a mother who could function as a mother. I'm pretty sure she had AS.

Once, I fell in a blackberry bush and was covered in scratches and crying. I was a preschooler. Well, my mother felt inspired to write a poem before she looked after my wounds.

I was babysitting once, writing a poem, and the baby woke up and cried and I felt rageful. That is when I decided to never have children.

I do love children, but I should not be a mother.

abusive mothers
abusive fathers
who destroy your self esteem are the norm in my opinion. maybe it will get better with years?

I know what that's like, having my mother tell me what I can understand and what I can't, just like she tries to tell me what I think and what I like. She's always loved having people ask her what my "autism" (actually AS) is like so she can explain it in front of me, and she attempts to sum up everything about me by telling people that autism means I'm "very brainy with no common sense." That's a phrase she came up with years ago and spouts all the time (though less recently because everybody has heard it by now). And I'm often right there -- I could say a lot more, but nobody wants to ask me. I don't suppose they think I'm capable of formulating any kind of intelligent statement, least of all my mother.

But if you're annoyed by your mother explaining simple things to you, you probably have no idea how bad it can be. I once had a conversation with my mother about a shower that was leaking, and she thought it was because of holes in the curtain. I acknowledged that there were holes, but it couldn't be the source of the leak because the water was coming out one side of the shower, and the holes were on the other side. She apparently misunderstood and felt the need to explain to me that the holes would be on both sides of the curtain because they go all the way through. This is something maybe a two-year-old would get wrong, but this is how my mother has always thought of me, and I've never felt more insulted than I did then.

That sounds exactly like me. the other day, I was told that I was so predictable and that I will NEVER change.

Oh, god, WurdBendur, that's AWFUL! It's really terrible; so what happened next? Did you put her right, or did you not have the vocabulary or ability to form combinations of words that make sense to put her right, like what sometimes happens to me? Did you slap the b***h? Probably not, eh? Did you tell her that she insulted you? How did she react?

It seems like parents, NT ones especially, can't get that there is not NT imprisoned within the shell of an Autistic person.

My dad really seems to try to destroy my self esteem but I really refuse to allow it. My confidence has admittedly been shaken to its core over hte years, but I always try to keep my head up and in a good mood. I really try hard not to let it bother me. But sometimes I break down once it all comes to the surface again. But I wont give up.

I had this problem. My mother, when I rarely contact her, will usually be negative towards me. She would say something was wrong with me as a child, then when I was given a diganosis she took no steps to help, simply was satisfied a label was in place. She would repeat herself on things if I disagreed, instead of accepting my input, I would be called lazy, all the time.

When I came home cut and bruised from school from being beaten by the class, and finally got her to come in to talk to the teacher, they both came to the conclusion it was my own fault, simply for not understanding others. It took me months to change school, eventually based on my only friend leaving himself.

I built my own self esteem, and it isn't based on other people's expectations, and for that I think I'm a stronger person.

that must sucks, im sorry

maybe you should just laugh at her behind her back to make yourself feel better
or try to ignore it, but i cant garuntee anything will work