tired sad lonely and a little scared...and now...

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There is a cockroach in the coffee maker

My job is being hostess/bartender at my venue to hundreds of people i could never connect with and bands who i will never see again. I am happy when I am alone, but dealing with the hoards makes me feel lonely. I also feel lonely because I miss my friend who is on vacation and I think that when he comes back. he won't want to see me anymore because he is on a quest to find a real girlfriend...and he is hanging out with fun cool people instead of boring dysfunctional weirdos like me.

My friend was my happy little oasis of sanity that helped me stay afloat..but now he is off to better things.

There are huge messes made every night that I, with my crappy executive skills must clean.
It is a feeling of constant stress. Then I have to cook for everybody and clean up after that..My art projects are piling up....in horrible ways...I simply don't know how to prioritize anything....and then during the week, i am at the office during the day, and the office is a mess, and really it's own whole can of worms....office day..bands night...frantic cleaning in between....

I need to set my mind on tunnel vision-robo-focus...and be able to think about nothing but all the things I have to get done, but I can't.

I am scared because of the delicate balance things are perpetually in at all times..

My partner was up all night drinking, and when he finally came to bed he was snoring like a pile driver so I had to get up.

Drinking is inevitable to deal with the stress of dealing with all the noise and people.

grrrrr....

just venting....

Today I host a sewing workshop.

Sid Hugs :O)

I think that what you need is a nice cup of hot tea or coffee, and the thing that also helps me is a list of things to get done, each day.

As for the friend who doesn't want to be with you anymore, I was in a similar situation. I've dwelled on it for a while, and than I was able to let go. Try not to think about that person, too much. There might be some decent people around the corner who would love to have you as a friend. It's happened to me, after such an incident.

Relax and get things done at your own pace, and before you know it, you will actually be looking for things to do. :O)

I do the lists....

but

there are cockroaches in the coffee maker...that I only just became aware of....as one scurried when I poured the water in to make the tea....

So i haves to clean out the coffee maker:cry:

this points to the larger problem of the roaches in general...

I hope that things get better for you.

I hope you feel better soon. Executive dysfunction is bothersome.

I'm coming back down there very soon and me and Chris and the others will be going to SHFL and we can hang out with you and talk with you! We can also help clean up the mess afterwards. I'll talk to Chris and the others and see if we can't organize that.

I would be looking for a different job.
If things aren't right then it is recommended to change to something that is.

(((poopylungstuffing)))

Sometimes I get to a point where the list of tasks I need to do and deal with gets overwhelming, and at that point, I seem to become paralysed by fear or indecisiveness about what to do, so I end up doing nothing and just stressing about it all.

Lists are good. Dealing with things systematically, finishing tasks, ticking them off the list, you feel a sense of achievement and as if you're making progress, instead of starting something, then getting distracted and starting something else, then starting something else, so you do lots of things, you're picking things up, putting them down again, without dealing with them or resolving them. Resolve to finish things one thing at a time.

Since it sounds as though the whole cleaning/clutter situation has slowly built up and built up and built up to the point where it now seems insurmountable, and too much for one person to deal with, is there any chance of roping in others to help? Are there other people you can ask, say, hey, this is all a bit much but 'many hands make light work', and it would take me all day to do this by myself, but if a few of us pitch in, it will only take an hour or so? Arrange a time, maybe one morning or afternoon, or maybe one day at the weekend if people are available then. Lay on cookies or muffins or something, either bake or buy them, or ask people to bring along some treats to share. Set yourself a goal, or a time, okay, so we're going to clean the kitchen, or we're going to work non-stop for an hour, and then we're going to sit down for coffee and cookies and cakes for 15 minutes, then we're going to finish the job.

What you're doing there sounds wonderful though, it sounds like such a creative and free-spirited place that it's a shame that it's all getting on top of you and grinding you down. Get others to help with blitzing the place and giving it a spring clean, and then you can get back to enjoying it.

This isn't a job..it is my life...I ran away from it once before and got stuck in a tiny smoky apartment in another town where I couldn't find a job, couldn't relate to anyone, with a roommate who enjoyed hacking into my e-mail and knocking over furniture.
In the real world I am not able to hold down normal jobs...am constantly confronted with people I have a hard time dealing with and visa versa...Anyone who is remotely my friend is involved with this place...Before I ran my multi-purposed performance and arts venue, I was living in a tiny rooming house, drinking heavily and feeling suicidal.

My position would be ideal for someone who was artistic and appreciated music, but did not have the social, sensory, and executive dysfunctions that I have.

The problem i have with lists and doing things systematically is that I am very very unfocused..when not hyperfocusing on the things that I hyperfocus on...my mind will go where it wants...and usually that is in circles...and the executive dysfunction makes finishing any one task take forever and forever....

The messes get made every night...mountains of trash and stuff that needs to be recycled...all of the furniture in disarray...the clutter from everyday living from people who just aren't really that tidy to begin with.

We are a small collective. It consists of me, my partner Flakey (who is also knot good with executive function and spends most time doing computer work), and our man-of-all-tasks Louie.
We have a few friends who help out from time to time. Our former roommate Steve will push the broom around a bit if asked..
..then we have people who come over expressly to mooch alcohol off of us....there is an artist girl who always says she is going to help and when she does help, she does a really good job because she does not have executive dysfunctions...but mostly she just gets drunk...often for free, and feels like she is entitled because she is over to "help"...hooks up with guys...raids our fridge....disappears or passes out until well into the afternoon....and then goes home.

Then there is this DJ, who I have been kind to and tolerant of in the past because it appears that he has a PDD...But he is always broke...always trying to get stuff for free...He will come over and make himself at home...ask people for money...help himself to stuff....always using our computer...etc....He will grudgingly help out if asked sternly..

Tonight we have our big 6 year anniversary party...The place is a wreck from a big noise show we had last night. It was the kind of music that set off exclamation points in my head. I had to wear ear plugs..but the sound frequencies had me in code orange...code red-being meltdown...
I had to take a piece of xanax which made me pass out before I could help shut the place down...

um..

all this time I am spending whining, I could be cleaning...I am no better than anyone else...stuck here in my morning WP ritual...I should be cleaning and making t-shirts, and rawwrrr...

at least i mailed my Lon Chaney sock monkey yesterday....it had been plaguing me for eons...

It is a matter of handling cleaning...creative output...and the fact that I can only handle working at a certain pace...that does me in...

I wish I was on amphetamines again.

I'm in no position to help but, don't worry about doing everything on the list. If you make a list when you're down the list immobilises you doesn't it?
I can't focus for more than a fleeting second unless I'm hyperfocusing and forgetting to eat and stuff, so I just do what catches my attention and leave the thing in view. Then I move on to the next thing and leave it in sight again and come back to the one earlier and so on.

You need to find someone else on the spectrum who has OCD traits who'd love to tidy and clean the place up!

I have a cleaner for my apartment in the Middle East, because it's on the Arabian peninsular and the city is surrounded by desert, the sand/dust is a bugger to keep on top of. I'm 99 per cent certain my cleaner is on the spectrum and she has OCD, she organises me to the point where I can't find a thing. I had to tell her that she was working too hard and to stop it. She even took my clean, dry laundry off the drying rack and folded up my socks and knickers and put them into the drawer all neatly, when I sometimes just throw them in.

At one point, I actually did have a whole squad of WPers who came over and helped a lot...that was before we were open.

Bugs are just extra protein in your meal, and besides, cockroaches are actually very clean creatures.

It's the reptiles you have to worry about.

your life sounds ALOT better than mine.. please be gratefull that you actually have people in your life that care, no one cares about me at all.