I hate autism and the world and everything

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I hate it in all those moments, when others on the spectrum get praised in my presence who have a different kind of autism.

I then question myself, whether it would be better to have that autism and not mine. Why am I stuck with that messed up set with abilities and disabilities and get told I'm so great which I absolutely hate because it's a lie. I hate lies unless I tell them.

I mean, appreciation is good. It is.

But this is so unfair.

Don't know if that makes me an egoistical prat and I don't bloody care if it does...

I'm supposed to be really hf AS right. That mean I'm supposed to be really good at a lot of things.

Look, I don't understand why a person who, say, doesn't talk gets to be so great at, say, academics.

I'm jealous.

Plain jealous.

I could throw a tantrum if I weren't so damn well in self-control even through I want to badly just bite a into my arm hard out of frustration and uproar and tears now. I hate tears, I don't understand why I can't just look angry but have that I cry when I'm feeling murderous.

And tears make me turn from murderous to really sad and freaked out now. I my mom comes into my room she's totally force me to explain why I've been such a jerk in the past 2 days on and off and why I'm crying like a madman now.

I talk, I push myself even though I struggle, I can't read those bloody faces at all and I really try hard to interact normally and all under-cover despite that and then there's the whole matter that I rather freeze and meltdown than flap my hands in public or spin or shake my head or do anything that would totally freak all those other people out.

How do you learn to stop having self-control?

If I hadn't self-control, I'd not be able to stop motor mannerism and I'd give up pretty soon with socialising. I'd be as obviously f... up as I am, thankyouverymuch.

But then people might see that I'm really trying hard and don't just do nothing.

I gotta be right next to people who're really into helping those with differences and disabilities or really interested or just nice. That ought to be a good thing.

Isn't.

They help appreciate all these people and I'm right there. People are nice to me now that I'm trying hard to be bloody normal they won't have it that I say I can't do something or won't (because I know it'll totally not work or make me meltdown).

And I don't understand why another autistic person who writes but doesn't get to talk is really good at what I totally fail at despite that everybody just says to me 'but you should be good at it'.

'You should be' - but I'm not! I'm just totally bad at it.

I mean, I am happy that they get to be so good at something, but then I also feel really jealous.

Everybody says I should be good at academics and lots of things, but all I am good at is self-control.

And that's like some cage that makes me look normal but really freaks me out.

I really wouldn't mind people laughing at me or pointing at me - they already did when I was little after all - because I'd be doing something so abnormal and obviously autistic, but then I'd tell myself that this is idiotic if I can control myself until I'm sick. But I can, right, so I should.

I can = I should.

I hate that. It's unfair that others don't have to do it and are appreciated for themselves nevertheless.

I don't understand people. It makes no sense that I'm not appreciated too. Makes absolutely no sense. I hate that, I hate it when people are mad and don't make sense to me.

My autism is so annoying, it doesn't even fit what's normal about autism.

Hmm. I don't know quite what to say other than that I have lots of days where I feel like that. I look so normal to everyone because I can keep all my weirdness to myself. When people look at me they don't think I'm autistic, they just think I'm just overly shy and lazy / unmotivated.

In the past when I've asked for accommodations or extra help using my diagnosis I'm always afraid that people will think I'm using autism as an excuse. It doesn't matter if they say anything or not I'm so paranoid that people might be thinking those things that I start to feel rage. Then I start to think that maybe it's just me hating myself projecting my feelings onto what I imagine other people think of me. I feel like I can't help being the way I am but I still can't get off the hook from hating myself. Truly evil people, i.e. rapists and serial killers probably can't help being the way they are either and they don't get off the hook. It's all biological programming and some people just draw the short straw in life and deserve to be hated as such.

In the past I thought I could console myself that at least laziness and incompetence isn't as bad as acting like a sociopath. But then I realized society likes sociopaths better than us. Society has this subliminal Ayn Rand / Nietzschean ubermensch ideology where being a happy successful jerk is on a higher rung than being a sensitive person that's a failure at life. I get so envious that I think about murdering all the happy successful jerks in life. It wouldn't take much to push me over the edge.

I also hate being intelligent and self conscious all the time. I sometimes think it would be easier if I was a mentally ret*d robot with no feelings whatsoever that simply did as it was told all through life.

My BF said if he could cure his AS, he would. I am anti-curebie completely and I embrace my AS, with it's challenges and strengths.

His point is that his only "gift" is chess mastery. He's a master at chess. He doesn't have academic strengths. He wants to get over his social problems and make friends. He's sick of being an aspie.

So, I'm sure many people can relate. I hope to encourage my BF to see his strengths related to AS that make him more special, like:

loyalty
sense of ethics
honesty
conscientiousness
attention to details
creative ways to manage to do things that others haven't thought about
etc.

I'd rather have all those traits than to be a herd-following NT any day!

Well, I'm still trying to get properly diagnosed by a specialist (there aren't many around here and i don't feel like going 40 miles to a big city by myself and also don't want to drag others into this).

The thing is, being self aware of my own condition is recent, about an year. And so not many people know it, back in school i was treated like a genius, but also as a really shy person / totally random eccentric. My grades were the best in the class for a long time (in certain areas / disciplines) while i would lack the let's say concentration in school others did, but also lack the not concentration, being neither a "nerd" nor ditching classes, all i did was go to classes, staying as neutral as i could, trying to keep a low profile. Even though i had always been made fun of my whole childhood (bad bad memories). The point is, nowadays, everyone that knew me back then go all surprised that i gave up college (i was in university for 6 months then i got really really depressed to the point i would lock my self in my room crying, staring at the ceiling, staring at the patterns on the floor, walking back and forth on a pattern stepping on predetermined floor tiles, etc...). People tell me "man you could do anything, you're so smart you can be anything you want" then they criticize me for not doing it. I get criticized for not having my driver's license yet, for not following my "path", whichever path that might be.

Now I'm jealous of the dumb happy people, jealous of the ignorant and bliss, jealous of the ones that, by doing something little get patted on the back as if they accomplished something great. Put into perspective, if a said friend of mine for example manages to pass on a college admission exam, he's the greatest, everyone loves him (i know i should not be comparing to NT's but I'm putting it in a place where people are not aware of my AS's) but with me, it's nothing special cause they expect me to pass on any exam i'd take, it's a given fact to them, the thing about people is (i guess) that they have already pre-determined what you can or can not do, in their heads, what they expect you to do, or not. By having you as an HFA they assume that you'd specialize in different areas / unique area therefore anything you'd do is automatically taken as "oh she has AS i mean they can be really good at those things" which in this case would grant you no appreciation, On the other hand if you accomplish something that they were not expecting you to, they'll wrongfully give you appreciation which is for most matter deceitful and painful.

Self control does portrait you as a normal person in most of the people's eyes. So they don't appreciate things you do that are hard for an aspie to do, which shouldn't make you feel bad about other aspies, self control is a good thing, when you think that it is how you manage to get a hold of yourself, just be proud to be who you are.
Look at me saying all of this but i'm the same, i can maintain a lot of outer control while bursting in tears/rage/frustration inside, i know it's a vague sentence but "Be happy Sora"

Edit: whitetiger posted while i was typing my reply. comments on that: agreed completely, i'd rather stay an aspie than to fall into a world of non-sense (where things do not have to make sense to exist)

Frankly, I'm jealous of YOU! You say you'd throw a tantrum if you weren't so self-controlled, well I have tantrums all the time at 18! My emotions are in control of ME.

Having self control is a very important characteristic, which without can prove devastating. Trust me I know. I have no control over my anxiety and OCD. I suppose it's not exactly what you mean by self control, but it's better you have it than not.

Is it possible that you feel there are more expectations (from others and possibly yourself) due to as you say 'your type of autism'? At present I don't know if I'm on the spectrum or not, but it doesn't matter to me, I expect myself to be as good as others, because I have been trained to believe that my own abilities by virtue of being different is not good enough. Maybe you place too much pressure on yourself, by virtue of knowing your autistic status, and by not seeing yourself as an individual (with specific abilities of your own).

I know being different is difficult, a difficulty to which I still have not been able to make peace with. I hope you feel better soon...

self control is an important thing to have. quite useful.
it is hard to be different from the rest, but the best thing one can do is to not worry about what everyone else thinks.

Sora, there is nothing "normal" about autism. You are not like anyone else. My son is not like anyone else. It's ok to feel jealous, it's not ok to let it eat you up. It's good to have self-control, but you will have to let go (safely) once in a while. Maybe alone, or maybe with someone you trust. It sounds as if the people you're speaking of don't understand autism at all, not all autistics are good at academics... my sister is an Aspie and had a 135 iq in kindergarten- terrible all through school. These people should know that there is no set way about autism. And should definitely not be patronizing to you, or comparing you with others. And you shouldn't compare yourself with others either.

I want you to know that it's ok to feel all these things. It's time to learn how to feel comfortable with yourself and your abilities, and even your disabilities. It WILL NOT be easy. I found out 15-ish years ago that I have ADD, I have social weirdnesses too, I got the Why Can't You Do This speech all the time... never felt like anyone understood. Probably because I didn't understand myself. Since the diagnosis I've been on a journey of self-actualization, that journey is nowhere near complete. I'm just starting to come out of one of my "setbacks" (meds and antidepressants help), and I understand a bit more about myself than I did a few months ago. I'm now just starting to feel better about not being able to do certain things and have decided to go to group counseling (did I spell that right?). You might want to think about antidepressants if you're not on them already, they're really helping me and I know that a lot of people on the spectrum use them successfully. If you do, just make sure you are in constant contact with your physician so they can monitor your mood. Very important.

I wanted to answer you because I've experienced what you are experiencing, albeit on a much smaller scale and I thought I might be able to share what helps me. I hate seeing (or reading about) anyone in pain, so I hope I've been able to help a little. Be well honey, there are people out there who understand you, even if you haven't met them yet!

There is a line from an Anne Rice vampire book that says, "be patient with the humans." It's my new favorite motto- the humans just don't understand. But we do.

Oh, no. Society only likes those with psychopathic tendencies better if they're unaware that the charming, sweet individual they're facing doesn't have one bit compassion.

If you're not the murderer or criminal, but just live life the way a fair share of those with psychopathy do then you're much in the same position you described here about how those with other differences feel.

People think you're totally different from how you are and they expect it from you even when you can no longer pretend to be that.



Oh, I'm a nightmare with these. Bad genes, I don't possess many of these AS qualities like loyalty, honesty or being very morale. I respect them, but I don't personally value them much.

I don't think I could list what exactly I like about my autistic traits. I don't think I do that at all. Liking is an active emotion for me, as is hating. My active feelings about things change all the time and I find it hard to keep them with me, because circumstances on which they depend change so much.

I can only say I'm content with me which includes my ASD as a whole with all the deficits and differences. That's a static for me, though it doesn't mean I can't ever hate or love certain aspects all the same. A different approach, but equally good because it can only lead to the conclusion that I rather stay myself than want to change.

I do hate autism sometimes, very very much so, but the underlying feeling is a passive content that things are absolutely perfect the way they are. Just not what we make of it in this society, I think, which is why it's so frustrating sometimes or a lot of times.



I'm sorry to hear that. Though I have to tell you that when I was 18, I was having a lot of meltdown at school still. Not really the same as tantrums, but they were also partly results of that I got worked up about something I don't get worked up now anymore.

That I want to say is that it can change fast.

Don't assume you're stuck like that for the next 5 years. Just don't think that, that would be just pessimistic.

You may be surprised in what potentially improvements are in for you in the years to come.



I am comfortable and stressed by being different, I think. Being different isn't a problem for me, because I do not feel community at all due to my autism. I do not identify when I see another person. I have of course learnt about all the similarities between me and other people because I talk and have a good IQ. But this knowledge doesn't influence my intuitive perception.

Which is that all other people are different from me and that I'm normal.

However, when in touch with society, I experience being not the same as them as very conflicting. Because I'm so absolutely not the same in some aspects, but very much like them in other aspects. Which is due to how my autism is like.

I'm affected badly in some areas, but hardly in other areas. Very unusual for autism from what I gathered so far.

People nowadays often assume that I'm hardly 'different' in all areas which results in lots of conflicts and misunderstanding. I present as very normal in some situations, but in another situation my behaviour literally looks 'frightened' and 'impossible' to other people.

I found this inconsistency of abilities really frightens people a little. And that's truly hard if you love interacting with people like me.



I'm not depressed, please don't worry. Have seen professionals that said so, therapists too. But I'm the person who needs to vent loudly and dramatically though. Words never seem to appropriate to express my feelings, mostly too mild, too strong or just plan wrong.

I like how I do things, but whenever I'm in contact with society, I'm so forcefully confronted with that I should not feel okay with myself, because large parts of society don't. I demand and I need other people to see the truth too, but they don't because they have their own mind. And I really can't understand why two opinions exist on something that only has one side. That's the ultimate point of crisis for me - why do other need to think things that are not true or are not the same as what I think?

It's a constant source of stress to feel different about yourself than the rest of the world does. Doesn't make sense to me.

Which eventually leads me to venting like that as in that post above. Confusion is the worst set-off I can think of (though it might be different for other people of course). The world is perfect unless I encounter something that doesn't make sense because it doesn't fit what I know. (Now that's the ASD in me speaking.)

You are right about that we should not compare ourselves to others. Because it really isn't working, we're all too different. I explained that in length to my ASD therapist too, that comparing humans and other things is just absolutely impossible from my perspective.

But yet, this whole planet is ruled by comparisons and hierarchies and besides that I'm forced to learn to recognise them, I'm also forced to put myself under these rules.

And that's just so absolutely unfair, unreasonable and insane.

I don't get it why I can't just snip my fingers and have all people in this world have the same basic respect and content towards how things are and towards other people as I do. Why do people need to compare themselves and force me to do the same (which I can not and confuses and frustrates me in such fundamental ways)?

Can't everybody just start being normal?



I like that.

I think I learnt a lot about this since I was a child. I had remarks about my severe impatience in so many of my reports in elementary school.

I'm still learning patience though. I'm working on it. Obviously. I wouldn't have blown so impulsively and become so absolutely frustrated and despaired if it weren't that I'm lacking patience with what I cannot change.



Thank you all for your responses.

"I don't get it why I can't just snip my fingers and have all people in this world have the same basic respect and content towards how things are and towards other people as I do. Why do people need to compare themselves and force me to do the same (which I can not and confuses and frustrates me in such fundamental ways)?

Can't everybody just start being normal?"

Yes!! ! Exactly, couldn't have said it better myself. I think I saw that you're from Europe? An example of my feelings on this is from recent events here in America- the Presidential Election. I'm a far leftie, can't help it, and I just couldn't/can't understand why all the religious right was in a hub-bub about oh, Obama's a Muslim (he's not but who cares if he was?), gays don't deserve rights like they're somehow less human, etc. They are so Holier-Than-Thou it drives me insane. Let's all be nice to each other, to each his/her own- hey, be like me! I'm religious, well more spiritual- no bible thumping here, I believe that Jesus is my savior, but I'm not going to impose that view on others like it's my JOB!

I've always been more comfortable having guys for friends, I like guy movies, I have a sailor mouth, I love watching/playing sports, HATE chick-flicks. My husband is my best friend because he gets it. And my sister too. But I hang out with the women in the choir I sing with because I have to sit with the sopranos. I'm friends with them and we get along fine, but I feel like I can't get into a serious conversation with any of them because I don't think they'll understand why I am the way I am. We don't go out or anything. They're just too girly. I'm starting to let things slip once in a while as I get more of a sense of who they are and how much they'll grasp. So hopefully this will change. There's an alto I'd like to get to know better, I found out that she used to play field hockey in high school too- so we have a starting point. We're joining a church soon, a very liberal one, everyone gets to worship- including gays- and that's what we want our kids to see. Inclusiveness. Everyone is ok. That being said, I haven't yet really opened up to anyone yet, but I think I'm going to start off slowly so as not to scare anyone away:). They all know that my son has asd and they LOVE him. Helps that he's 6 and adorable and sweet. But soon they'll realize why he is the way he is- comes by it naturally with my ADD, my sis's aspie and my hubby's "daywalkerness," he has aspie characteristics but is very organized and functions normally in life. Mostly. And my other boy is 2 and so far NT- but we're watching him for adhd- his nickname is "run-run." We feel comfortable there knowing that we are accepted no matter what!

So yes, why can't everyone be normal like us?!

Blabbed on a bit, sorry. But yes, I know exactly what you are talking about. Glad to hear that you're not depressed!

Sorry if my statement was further alienating to you. I don't think that being emotionally disconnected is the same as being a sociopath. I was thinking more about the type of people that derive pleasure or success at the expense of other people. I'm more of the no harm no foul persuasion. I only get angry when I see someone getting unfairly taken advantage of because I always feel like I want to level the playing field. Unfairness bothers me. I can however relate to someone not always having as much compassion as society expects because I know there are circumstances where I feel like that. I never feel any sadness over televised death counts from natural disasters, wars, terrorism, etc. It seems so irrational to give these things so much attention when there's just as many people suffering in isolation who get absolutely no attention. I only feel compassion for individuals, not groups. I view large lumps of humanity like colonies of ants, with total indifference.

I think individual people are way more important than collective ideas, societal expectations, etc. Sometimes it bothers me when I think that probably nobody that's ever existed has ever experienced my exact perceptions and feelings, not even the autistic people I meet are ever completely like me. On the other hand the thought of me being exactly like everyone else bothers me just as much. I feel like my life would be incredibly dull if I could relate to everyone. If relating was easy it would seem so commonplace that it would have no value to me.

To do some thinking... which does not have to be true entirely.


The compassion of normal people is not logical. They compare things to each other.

Compared to a NT person you have 'bad skills', but compared to a child with LFA you have 'good skills'. Yet your skills are the same. Even if you work really hard to attain those skills, they do not praise you if there is a case worse than you.

So in a way praising someone, is saying that they think you are a sad case.

And what you want is to be the worst case from the group and not be in the 'gray middle'?

Or do you just need someone to give you a pat on the shoulder and make you feel wanted?

And you should have some good traits in you character? Even if it is not good to 'society standards'.
For example compassion, a colleague of mine had cancer and everybody was feeling sorry for him, but I did not feel anything about it, I could not care less. On the other hand, I felt sorry for a girl I barely knew 2 days. So not the compassion society expects.

It didn't, don't worry. I just wanted to hint at that some people are psychopaths or have psychopathic traits and that it doesn't mean they automatically commit crimes. It wasn't clear to me about what group of people you talked about, but you explained that now.



I want people to know the truth and act accordingly. People must stop forming additional barriers around me that I cannot fight. I already have my own barriers to overcome and that's making me quite busy.

If someone doesn't talk they give him or her time to get a message across, act understandingly and won't judge right away if something doesn't make sense of sounds rude.

With me however, they're very impatient and can't wait despite that it takes me long to explain and talk, accuse me if I mix up grammar and vocabulary, don't let me live down to it if I say something wrong or I'm considered very rude, very lazy, very 'bad' because I have trouble talking and will just revert to standard phrases.

That's exactly what got me as mad the other day.



Yeah, sure I have good traits, but I don't think the vast majority of people feels okay with them. I think they're excellent traits to have though. That's enough to me, but it tends to irritate me if people assume that what they see is what is real. You know, different opinions and different thoughts about one truth... that's now my thing.

Sora, I have a suggestion. You write very well. Have you ever written how you feel to these people with whom you're having trouble? You say they are impatient with your inability to speak quickly enough. Ridiculous because they should know better. Maybe if you explained yourself on paper they would better understand. Just a thought.

I thought about it. I could explain by writing. And I am sure that it would help with how people react to me. But as a consequence I'd have to explain about AS too, which is what I am trying to avoid.