I can't empathize.

Post Reply New Topic

Me and other people admire people who empathize and I want to be one of those people I and other people admire, but I'm just the opposite. Also, I want to empathize with other people for their sake and treat other people the way I would like to be treated (with empathy) but I don't know how. I treat people the way I want to be treated, or at least the way I wouldn't mind being treated, but most people apparently aren't like me and don't want to be treated the same as I want to be treated, and mind being treated in ways that I don't mind being treated in. True; people on here appreciate how I empathize with them, but those are just a few people. The main thing is that I can't empathize with my boyfriend, and maybe others as well. He says I'm not even trying, but that hurts, because I try so hard. He's an Aspie too, and he says he expects me to empathize with him because he empathized with me. But maybe my AS is worse than his; he has symptoms that I don't have at all but maybe this symptom I have more than him. I just hate to admit it. I hate it so much. I hate admitting this so much, and it's embarrassing, and it's proof that I'm a bad person.


God help me; I'm the opposite of what I want to be. A big part of my problem is that empathizing with other people involves not asking for empathy from them.

I can empathize easily with two people in this world, neither one of them family members. I even have trouble empathizing with my son. I am a good person. All things considered, I'm a very good person.

Empathy is over-rated. It's fun, but just stop worrying, stop trying. Sometimes it takes longer to develop. It certainly did for me.

Maybe you could practice empathising in your own time, like someone learning stage lines. Sounds a bit silly, but it may work.
I'm not good at empathising too, but it doesn't affect me that much. Although I wish I would have thought about ways to get better at it when I dated my last boyfriend. Oh well.

It doesn't sound silly. Whilst it'll probably be mechanical, as you're just reciting the "appropriate" things to say/do, it'll still give the emotional affect that normal people like/expect. Psychopaths can do it, and I don't see why someone with AS/HFA couldn't if they tried, as it's only a script to learn.

Of course, this is if you wish to pander to the needs of others, but I think that's the point of relations with others, I think.

Better to work on perspective taking IMO. Actual empathy is difficult for me if I haven't been in a situation very similar myself.

I try to think about the steps required to be in the situation that someone else is in. If I can draw myself some sort of logical map to the situation, I can manage a kind of empathy. It takes quite a lot of time.

It's also difficult when it comes to dating and determining someone's interest sexually or romantically.

I'm not so sure 'stop trying' is good advice. It was blared at me in the form of a rap song one day...

The Golden Rule doesn't seem to acknowledge human differences. If I like ice cream, would I give ice cream to someone who didn't? Would I make advances on someone I was attracted to, who quite clearly wasn't attracted to me?

Over the years, I have tried to become more empathetic. It seems to have helped me to do nice things every once and a while and remind myself that other people are conscious, particularly when I feel I might be making them angry or enjoying their misfortune.

I also think we might be in a better position when people learn to show more respect for generosity.

Completely off topic, but this made me laugh, because it reminded me of a scene from "Better Off Dead." This kid (John Cusack) gets a job at a greasy burger joint, and his boss, who's really mean, shows him how to make a hamburger. Then the kid goes to wash his hands so he can start making burgers, and the boss shouts, "YOU WASH YOUR HANDS ON YOUR OWN TIME!! !" So, that's how it sounded to me. "YOU EMPATHIZE ON YOUR OWN TIME!!" Ha ha!

Okay, sorry. Maybe you had to be there.

Seriously, though, it sounds like a good idea.

Thanks... for some reason the "stop trying" sounded sort of nice, but I still don't want to stop trying.

You say you lack "empathy" but maybe you can have "compassion". Maybe "empathy" isn't full enough for you. Compassion will "fill" you. You can't give unless you are full.

This is what I used to say to myself until I realised I was comparing myself to a psychopath.

Still, I do think it's a good idea. It's probably going to take a while to 'perfect', but then again there's no such thing as perfect empathy. For me, having to do this leaves me empty inside, but I'd rather do it than be told I'm cruel.

I'm messy at being empathic too...I can do it, but only in a rudimentary way...I can listen if someone is upset, defend someone when they're being picked on....but I'm s**t at realizing how someone is feeling unless they shove it right in my face.

You are not actually unempathic, or you wouldn't be worrying about treating people the right way. If you were actually un-empathic, you wouldn't give a crap. You're like every other AS person - simply not good at reading feelings.

Just take the time to mentally put yourself in someone else's situation. And don't feel that you're a bad person if you fail. Your ASD isn't your fault.

But I don't want to be not good at reading feelings. And I don't want others to see me that way. I want to prove that I can, but can I?

There is no anti-ASD drug; you probably won't ever be that good at reading feelings.

Don't worry that people will see you a certain way. If they judge you for something that is not your fault, they're not worth having around you.

Just "thinking" that you ought to be empathetic is half way there. If you can't express your empathy, show it by doing something nice for the person in pain...buy them a bag of groceries,
take their dog for a walk, etc... If it really "is" just a script like some people think, do the acting well but say just a little, "do" for the person much more. Words are cheap. But most importantly, give without expectation.

But it just so happens that I admire people who are empathetic and I hate not being one of the people I admire. I hate people who aren't empathetic besides. I don't hate Aspies though. That's because I don't believe that Aspies don't empathize.

Yes, it's kind of silly how the AS-diagnosed are accused of lacking empathy, when in many ways they get the short end of the stick from other people.

I think it's highly admirable of you to even express a wish to become more empathetic.