I am a total failure and want to die

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Yep, you read that right! I am a complete failure as a person and will never succeed in life. I was so happy before the trip, almost manic in fact. I thought my art was going to sell for a lot of money, because the guy said at these events they usually do sell for big bucks. I am talking about the Hollywood show called Heroes for Autism. My pictures didn't have ONE SINGLE BID ON IT. I hate myself. Others apparently hate me as well. I just want to die. I am totally useless as a human (am I even human?) on this planet. I have no career coming. My business, if you want to even call it that is also a miserable failure, as it is the story of my life. Everything goes for the worst. I don't want to hear "oh its because the economy is bad" bullcrap. Its because my art isn't good enough. So, I do a few speeches. I have never got paid for it though. I will probably always be on Social Security and make a lousy $600 something a month. My brother will be a multi millionaire. I will live in poverty. I feel so depressed. I can't even think straight lately and its a struggle to read things for some odd reason. I cause other people's misery, including my own family. I made them spend several thousand dollars on this trip and we were supposed to make money back, that is the only reason why we went in the first place is because my art was supposed to sell. I destroy lives here and around the world. Out of over 43,000 members on the schizophrenia site I HAD TO BE THE ONE THAT WAS TARGETED. They don't even let me post anymore. I desperately want support there as well as here, but the second I post, it gets deleted by the a**h**e moderators that even conducted days of "research" about me to find out how bad of a person I am. They think I fake everything. I hope they die. This brings back memories of when I was bullied in school, now I'm being bullied on the Internet? And yes, there was a period of time that I was heavily targeted on this site as well, basically saying that I can't do speeches because I have schizophrenia (or more appropriately schizoaffective disorder) as well as autism. What's next, someone can't speak because they have high blood pressure and diabetes? This proves everyone wants me dead or hopes for the worst for me. Also, to make things worse, my DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder, formally known as Multiple Personality Disorder) is back after over a year of not switching. I keep on having this 5 year old come out and some days I miss 50-90% of the day, not knowing what happened but only knowing it was embarrassing. I mean I act like a 5 year old in public, people are probably staring at me (unless they were a psychologist that understands this disorder). I had trauma when I was younger. Of course I am going to have nearly everything in the DSM IV because I was put on this Earth to suffer. The only good news to report is that my schizoaffective disorder symptoms are less since the DID is back. I still have occasional hallucinations and paranoia, but its no longer taking over my life. There is no hope for the future. Please, someone shoot me.

sorry for being slightly off topic, but the first few times i read your post, i thought

"I am a total failure and want to fly"



p.s. sorry the pictures did not sell. people are usually very stingy when it comes to spending money on good art.

Last edited by Learning2Survive on 24 Apr 2009, 2:10 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I am sorry to hear about your predicament and I wish I could give you some advice but honestly I can't. All i can say is that things are obviously not great at the moment, but circumstances can't always go in ones favour. try not to let the bad days get you down (its difficult I know). Just hang in there, soon things will hopefully get better for you.

Life is a test, a challenge, sometimes it overwhelms us (believe me I know). have patience and hope for things to get better. Good luck...

You can't possibly be a failure Firebird - I've just read your profile on your website 'Critters on things', and its full of all the amazing things that you have achieved. Most people would be happy to have done those things, even if they didn't have the problems that you do. I think you know really that the real reason probably is the recession (that's why you put it as an excuse that people were making). Not many people have a lot of money at the moment. Certainly they don't hate you. Most people are quite indifferent to most other people.

Anyway, most successful artists didn't have success so young - sometimes not until after they died (although thats not really a consolation I know). Setbacks like this are a normal part of life - everyone has them, not just you. All you can do is get back to work - improve and expand your style, and all those people who didn't buy anything will be kicking themselves in years to come, wishing that they had bought when it was relatively cheap to do so. In the end the most important thing is that doing art makes you happy. I know you want to make a living from it too, but all you can do is keep trying - keep publicising your art (and expect NOT to sell anything each time, then each thing you do sell will make you happy, rather than being depressed if you don't). There are still some positive things you can take from this - more people know your name and what you do. I think anyone would be disappointed in your situation, but your response is to blame yourself for it, which is understandable if you are a perfectionist (I do this too, although not quite to this extreme). However, IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. None of it. You have to try and believe this because its the truth, whatever your paranoia says to you.

Do not listen to what people say and automatically get your hopes fired up to the sky. Take things in moderation and your life will be easier. If i say "you will grow wings and will be able to fly" does not make it so.




No you are not. You should however take things that people say more neutrally, success does not come easy for most people - regardless of how well adapted they are in society.

Hey Firebird,

Sorry to hear about the conference and art sales. I was expecting you to do well - and your posts leading up to it sounded good too.

You've sold pieces in the past, so I don't think that you need to worry about your abilities as an artist. You're doing well just by speaking at those things too. Many of us, myself included, would be too scared to talk in front of so many people.

You're an inspiration.

The economy thing is having a lot more impact than you'd think. Big successful companies are going down the tubes and the arts are being affected more than most things. The first thing that people cut down on when there's a financial crisis looming is leisure goods and unnecessary expenditure.

Art falls into that category.

Eventually, people will begin to trust their finances again and they'll start buying your stuff.

I hope you feel better soon.

sorry the pics did not sell. for most of the art buying crowd it seems that if they think it is not mainstream art then they will not buy it. who told you that your art would sell? never believe them until you hold their money in your hand. not everyone wants you dead. at least one person very much wants you alive. i will not shoot you.

There's people who value you Firebird, and it has nothing to do with what anybody thinks about your art.

It's because you're a unique voice and a unique spirit. Thoughts are with you.

Exactly! Hang in there Firebird. Keep doing your art, whether it sells or not - probably the economy - my husband's an artist and his stuff isn't selling at the moment either. Things will pick up eventually and people will start buying again.

That sounds like very good news indeed.

OMG I remember you making a thread about that and you sounded so happy!

As one who just paints for free, don't let other people be the judge of your artwork. It's not something that easily sells anyway...not that you won't have a chance of not making some profit off of your ability. I happened to like the very few pictures you showed us.


I'm so sorry this happened to you and you're not a failure, in fact I think you're very brave for even taking that chance you have and it's not the end. Most people don't succeed big time like in movies and shows. Keep doing what you're doing.

Man, I know how that can feel, but don't die because of this and it's not a failure. If you don't make mistakes then you haven't learned anything from your experiences here in life. Something I'm trying to learn myself.

Hang in there and you're very talented, I hate when people take advantage of those who pay their way and rip them off. If there's one thing to learn, realize that if it's too good to be true, then it probably is.

You keep on going...

I have failed at a lot of things myself... I learned to use these failures as a learning experience to be successful at a later opportunity... Some of the really good artist out there now and in the past were considered eccentric, weither they were on the spectrum or had other issues... It may be hard but remember what your art means to you, that it is your way to ocnnect with the world. .. I do not think it is because of you as a person, it just happened taht way that at this event, you did not get any sales... you have proven people wrong before, you can do it again... Things will change, might take some time and patience to wait it out...

Not many people know how to write a business plan.

I was diagnosed as Autistic at ~4, was non-verbal until ~ 4 1/2.... also I was almost institutionalized around this time as well... I was told I would never be able to be independent when I grew up. 32 years later, I have also proven everyone of them wrong...