Feeling 'framed' and persecuted

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There have been times when I've screamed or lashed out at the people I care about most. Usually, it occurs when I feel that my kindness is not being reciprocated. At some point, I stop serving both of us and begin acting in defense of my own interests.

In times like these, I have not only dreaded the possibility that the person or group I care about hates me, I have outright ridiculed them. This worries me, because it might be due to an awareness that I am being treated unfairly without being able to explain why.

Therefore, when I say in my mind, "Those girls are ******* b*****s," it may result from a direct consciousness of maltreatment by them, even though, in practice, I try to use the hypothetical mood and say that they might have such-and-such an undesirable trait.

What happened to me last night had extremely little to do with anyone's behavior on this forum. You all have been very kind to me here. It was only when I heard the word 'troll' that I was reminded of someone else's calling me a troll on a Dating Advice Forum.

That forum is run by two women whose names both begin with 'L'. They all teamed up and made a total mockery of my attempt to arouse sympathy for a certain group of people, calling me names and even going so far as to make obscene sexual remarks at me (I believe her name was Erica). Though I remained mostly polite, they continued to ridicule me, and a few months later, after I came back and apologized for the one judgment I made upon the owner of the site, I was called a troll and banned.

After a year had passed, I began hearing voices, some of them repeating the insults on the Dating Advice Forum.

One possibility that concerns me is that the world is so affected by the sight of my torment that people try to find excuses in order to make it look like I deserve to suffer. This could include, for example, tempting me on purpose to commit violent crimes even though I don't want to, getting me to shout insults or ridicule women, causing me to make mistakes, or setting me back in some other way to make me angry.

In some sense, I would feel 'framed' by the people who contributed to my misery and, in the alarm of their own guilt, tried to turn me into a villain.

The idea of tempting someone to do wrong in order to justify his or her suffering is the subject of verse four of my poem, If God Were a Bully.