Intellectual jokes

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I thought the mice liked the question 'How many roads must a man walk down?' (courtesy Bob Dylan).

JESUS & THE ELVES

And Joseph went up from Galilee to Bethlehem with Mary, his espoused wife, who was great with child. And she brought forth a son and wrapped him in swaddling clothes and laid him in a manger because there was no room for them in the inn. And the angel of the Lord spoke to the shepherds and said, "I bring you tidings of great joy. Unto you is born a Savior, which is Christ the Lord."

"There's a problem with the angel," said a Pharisee who happened to be strolling by. As he explained to Joseph, angels are widely regarded as religious symbols, and the stable was on public property where such symbols were not allowed to land or even hover.

"And I have to tell you, this whole thing looks to me very much like a Nativity scene," he said sadly. "That's a no-no, too." Joseph had a bright idea. "What if I put a couple of reindeer over there near the ox and ass?" he said, eager to avoid sectarian strife.

"That would definitely help," said the Pharisee, who knew as well as anyone that whenever a savior appeared, judges usually liked to be on the safe side and surround it with deer or woodland creatures of some sort. "Just to clinch it, throw in a candy cane and a couple of elves and snowmen, too," he said. "No court can resist that."

Mary asked, "What does my son's birth have to do with snowmen?" "Snowpersons," cried a young woman, changing the subject before it veered dangerously toward religion. Off to the side of the crowd, a Philistine was painting the Nativity scene. Mary complained that she and Joseph looked too tattered and worn in the picture. "Artistic license," he said. "I've got to show the plight of the haggard homeless in a greedy, uncaring society in winter," he quipped. "We're not haggard or homeless. The inn was just full," said Mary. "Whatever," said the painter.

Two women began to argue fiercely. One said she objected to Jesus' birth "because it privileged motherhood." The other scoffed at virgin births, but said that if they encouraged more attention to diversity in family forms and the rights of single mothers, well, then, she was all for them. "I'm not a single mother," Mary started to say, but she was cut off by a third woman who insisted that swaddling clothes are a form of child abuse, since they restrict the natural movement of babies.

With the arrival of 10 child advocates, all trained to spot infant abuse and manger rash, Mary and Joseph were pushed to the edge of the crowd, where arguments were breaking out over how many reindeer (or what mix of reindeer and seasonal sprites) had to be installed to compensate for the infant's unfortunate religious character.

An older man bustled up, bowling over two merchants, who had been busy debating whether an elf is the same as a fairy and whether the elf/fairy should be shaking hands with Jesus in the crib or merely standing to the side, jumping around like a sports mascot.

"I'd hold off on the reindeer," the man said, explaining that the use of asses and oxen as picturesque backdrops for Nativity scenes carries the subliminal message of human dominance. He passed out two leaflets, one denouncing manger births as invasions of animal space, the other arguing that stables are "penned environments" where animals are
incarcerated against their will. He had no opinion about elves or candy canes.

Signs declaring "Free the Bethlehem 2" began to appear, referring to the obviously exploited ass and ox. Someone said the halo on Jesus' head was elitist. Mary was exasperated. "And what about you, old mother?" she said sharply to an elderly woman. "Are you here to attack the shepherds as prison guards for excluded species, maybe to complain that singing in Latin identifies us with our Roman oppressors, or just
to say that I should have skipped patriarchal religiosity and joined some dumb new-age goddess religion?"

"None of the above," said the woman, "I just wanted to tell you that the Magi are here." Sure enough, the three wise men rode up. The crowd gasped, "They're all male!" And "Not very multicultural!" "Balthasar here is black," said one of the Magi. "Yes, but how many of you are gay or disabled?" someone shouted. A committee was quickly formed to find an impoverished lesbian wise-person among the halt and lame of Bethlehem.

A calm voice said, "Be of good cheer, Mary, you have done well and your son will change the world." At last, a sane person, Mary thought. She turned to see a radiant and confident female face. The woman spoke again: "There is one thing, though. Religious holidays are important, but can't we learn to celebrate them in ways that unite, not divide? For instance, instead of all this business about 'Gloria in excelsis Deo,' why not just 'Season's Greetings'?"

Mary said, "You mean my son has entered human history to deliver the message, 'Hello, it's winter'?" "That's harsh, Mary," said the woman. "Remember, your son could make it big in midwinter festivals, if he doesn't push the religion thing too far. Centuries from now, in nations yet unborn, people will give each other pricey gifts and have big office parties on his birthday. That's not chopped liver."

"Let me get back to you," Mary said.

These are anagrams.
Mother in law Woman Hitler.
Slot Machines Cash lost in em.
The Morse Code Here comes dots.

Dinosaurs eat man. Woman inherits the earth.

Subject: Y to K

"Our staff has completed the 3 years of work on time and on budget. We have gone through every line of code in every program in every system. We have analyzed all databases, all data files, including backups and historic archives, and modified all data to reflect the change.

We are proud to report that we have completed the "Y-to-K" date change mission, and have now implemented all changes to all programs and all data to reflect the following new standards:

Januark, Februark, March, April, Mak, June, Julk, August, September, October, November, December and...

Sundak, Mondak, Tuesdak, Wednesdak Thursdak, Fridak, Saturdak

I trust that this is satisfactory, because to be honest, none of this Y to K problem has made any sense to me. But I understand it is a global problem, and our team is glad to help in any way possible. And what does the year 2000 have to do with it?

Speaking of which, what do you think we ought to do next year when the two digit year rolls over from 99 to 00? We'll await your direction."

One day Jesus was walking by the pearly gates when St. Peter stopped him and asked if he could watch the gates for awhile so he could take a break. Jesus agreed and began letting people in. After a few minutes he saw a stooped old man approaching. He was so old that he could barely walk, and his white beard ran down to the floor. When Jesus asked if he could help, the old man advised him in a shaky voice that he was looking for his son. Jesus wanted to help but didn't think he could as there were millions of people there. "I know I can identify him very easily by the holes in his hands and feet- nail marks," said the old man. Jesus stares curiously at the wisened figure before him, "Father...?" he asked. The old man looks at Jesus and says, "Pinocchio...?"

((OK, so that one was really dumb, but I still think it's funny and innocuous))

I knew there were 6 f's in that sentace before i began reading it, but i still missed the F's in the of's, and had to go back a little and look FOR "OF" not just for "F"

What did the autistic philosophy professor ask his students to define?





The sound of one hand flapping!

Delusional MD Epidemic Grows


By Fintan Dunne

The U.S. in particular, and much of the developed world, is chronically affected by a growing, largely undiagnosed condition known as "dMD," or Delusional Medical Doctoritis.

Sufferers believe they are doctors and often present with a convincing array of pseudo-qualificatory paraphernalia obtained by undergoing training in medical schools.

These unfortunate victims persist in delusional activities, which may include setting up and operating medical practices, seeing patients, prescribing drugs and performing surgeries.

Sufferers have an affinity for each other and often congregate. This results in the characteristic appearance of "hospitals" or "walk-in clinics," which take the form of buildings located in urban centers.

This group cohesion among sufferers can render dMD very hard to treat, as they not only give each other awards and positions of responsibility but attend what are termed "conferences." At these events they can freely mingle with sufferers of the related syndrome "dPC," or Delusional PharmaCorporitis, which is characterized by an overwhelming need to develop ineffective drugs.

Both groups can be very convincing and have managed to gain control of U.S. medical care. In recent years, the synergy between the two has led to the unnecessary death of 250,000 to 500,000 people in the U.S. annually.

Unsuspecting members of the public are enticed into so-called "surgeries" and then referred to the "hospitals," where streamlined facilities for manslaughter and disposal of corpses are well established and very efficient.

Diagnosis

Diagnosis is difficult, as dMD sufferers can be hard to distinguish from actual healers. However, telltale calluses on the palms ("golf-club hand") and a predilection for driving German automobiles are regarded as sufficient for a presumptive diagnosis.

Much debate surrounds the question of the primary causative agent in dMD, but recent analysis (Regush et. al. 2002) implicates an underlying attitudinal infection with medicomegalomaniavirus.

This is ubiquitous in medical schools, is contracted by perhaps 90 percent of attendees during training, and is thought to cause the brain atrophy and the classic "conehead" triangulation of the remaining brain tissue.

These unfortunates leave medical school in a pseudo-qualificatory state and soon succumb to "Reps Syndrome," wherein they are unable to think at all except in the presence of drug sales representatives.

Treatment

In the absence of a cure, current treatment for the condition focuses on minimizing harm and providing regular small doses of reality. Only minute doses are appropriate due to cognitive dissonance and in order to avoid hepatic stress from the decomposition of mental constructs.

With gentle counseling and a supportive environment, sufferers can begin by vocalizing simple phrases such as "I'll prescribe these ones--they're cheaper" and eventually move on to more challenging statements like "I have no idea what's wrong with you."

Even so, only a minority will ever manage to make statements like "Chemo will just kill you quicker" or "If it doesn't work I'll give you your money back."

No patient has, as yet, completed treatment in full, which requires the sufferer to say, "Stop me before I kill you."

Clearly, much more research is required to develop effective treatment protocols. Meanwhile the general public is advised to exercise great caution when seeking healing.


SickofDoctors.com

The trouble with wedding cake it that it always ends in tiers

I'm not fat, just big for my age (92)

The reason GW's speechmaking has improved over the last few yearts is that his dad sent him to Guantanamo Bay for electrocution lessons

Life is like Frankensteins monster chasing the wolf man - it's just one damned thing after another

When Professor Van Helsing heard that Peter Sellers had been bitten by a vampire, just before he died, he rushed to his graveside and dug it up. Just as he was prising open the lid of the coffin, a voice came from inside
"Is that you Spike?"
"In a kind of way it is"
Thud!!

Ashburgers Syndrome - inability to cook meat on the Barbie without burning it to a crisp

Book title: 'A lover of Pork' by Chris P. Bacon

He who cuts corners ends up going round in circles

I used to be into pyramid selling but nobody wants pyramids nowadays

Only a fool who's fooling himself, can fool another fool (GW's motto - he hasn't worked out what it means yet - his dad gave it to him)

I hate oysters - they're just plain shellfish!

A hand is better than a woman because
-it never has a period
-it never threatens to go home to its mother
-it never has a headache
-it never expects chocolates or flowers to perform
-it never gets pregnant or gives you the clap

A hand is better than a man
-it never rolls over and goes to sleep afterwards
-it never runs off with your best friend
-it never beats you up when drunk
-it never forgets your birthday
-it never deserts you when you get pregnant or gives you the clap
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All my own work, unless I've unconsciously included other peoples ideas without realising it (Their thoughts lodged in my memory, which I put down to my own brilliant creativity)

From an old "Shoe" comic strip:
The grizzled old reporter who refuses to use a computer surveys his desk which is buried in mountains of paper. A trembling and then...total collapse. From beneath the debris..."I think I've just had a stack failure".

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
A stick.

An electrical engineer, a mechanical engineer, a chemical engineer, and a Microsoft engineer are riding in a car. Suddenly, the car quits.
"Maybe we can get someone to jump us off," says the EE "its obviously an electrical problem."
"Not much sense in it," says the Mechanical Engineer, " I could tell by the sound that the bearings are shot."
"Its just bad gas," says the ChemE, "I saw a station about a mile back. Fill her up and we're on our way."
Everyone looks to the Microsoft engineer. "Well, I don't know what's wrong with the car, but why don't we close all the windows and then open them up again and see what happens?"

This is probably not a true story. But it sure could be.