What's on your mind right now?

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How Regular people rely on their instinct for basically everything. It blows my mind that they don't have to think about doing everything right so they don't stand out. Everything comes natural to them. Life really is different for everyone.

Just remembered that mother's day is coming up and I don't know what to get as a present.

Thanks, dillogic.

Edna, post-menopause is great. No violent moods swings. No worrying about protection, etc. no messes. Thank you for reminding me all I have to be grateful for.

I am slowly adjusting to the loss of a little girl who loved me long ago. I know her now as an adult, but it is not the same. Of course. I missed all the years between 8 and 20. I was pondering this last night in the dark. I wonder if mothers who don’t have an interruption like that still feel the loss of the same child when young. Or if being with them the whole time lessens that.

"These are the hands of a demented circus clown..."

It's cool. Sorry about your loss there. I sorta know how that one goes too with time elapsed (recently); I feel the same, as time is meaningless to my mind. Yesterday may as well be decades ago to me as my memory is one of those gift and curse deals. I understand how it can be difficult for others though.

Not to be depressing, but it's on my mind. I've sorta freed myself, but I don't think the cost was worth that one. I'd rather be the one dead/suffering from a serious illness than having the edges of someone dying and someone with serious illness slicing those binds. I guess guilt is still with me. Maybe I'm looking at it the wrong way though, as it's something good that came out of bad events I had no say over, and I can help the one suffering better now.

Non-depressing, I ran into someone after several years, and...it's exactly the same, even if life moved on amazingly well for that person (which makes me happy, and my hopes sometimes work), but how it all was, is as if no time elapsed. Words exchanged exactly the same with the same friendliness. Being selfish, but I sorta needed that, because I was lost and I thought I was a terrible guy. I guess I'm not all that terrible.

I really hate colds.

People who refuse to talk to me are passing on an opportunity to help me in a very substantial way. They should probably recognize that I am lonely to the point of being suicidal, but more than that, my conversational skills are tenuous and need to be practiced. I've said as much, and I do forgive them if they haven't read my facebook posts, but I still view them more dimly the more I think about it. If you are pretending to be my friend but refusing to talk to me, you are failing to help me in a very substantial way. My ability to keep a roof over my head is compromised by my slipping ability to communicate, and if you have the opportunity to help me and don't, I'm going to be less and less eager to consider you a friend.

Kinda tired of trying to be unobtrusive. Be a friend or GTFO. You are not obligated. You are free to walk away. But don't pretend you are a friend and then refuse to help me in the most basic and important way.

Also, if you were a friend you'd be curious enough to read my damned posts and you'd know what I need. It's not like I post a lot, FFS.

Loitering munitions.

Maybe hope, maybe I should know better, maybe I know better, as there can be many reasons. I shouldn't let that self-blame, negative voice, have the entire say of my mind, as that's just past Dill that led to the outcome he beats himself up over. Shattered hopes are better than none when there was nothing ugly there, rather just life. I guess getting hit with tears from life stuff today gave me some more objectivity.

Could be delusions too, but that's also fine.

E: this Zyprexa brand is quite brain numbing. Yes, grammatical errors and forgetting words in sentences annoys me. Which will take away the delusions now that I think about it. Which is quite funny. It also leads to another answer to something, as I might be more depressed than I think I am, so I just see darkness.

Getting my house tidy

My partner

Sorting out my money and alcohol situation

(These are seperate things).

Trying to find the wilderness, which is getting harder and harder to find. Wild rivers. Does it really matter if I haven’t done it in a long time? No. It matters that my body has deteriorated. But I can go slow. I can rest. For someone who travels wilderness I am really quite risk averse.

I'll keep on going into the wilderness until I physically can't anymore. I get videos for someone that can't (she's like me and refuses help when it comes to non-emergency things); she'd go herself when she could, albeit for different reasons to me and with someone else.

I kinda feel bad for thinking a negative thing the other day (I'm hated for some reason), when in the end, I just don't know, and something else will certainly be going on. Because I do know someone. I'm sorry for that. So, I'll just worry now, because that's what I do most of the time.

NASCAR, Hendrick Motorsports team up for special Le Mans entry in 2023

Should I just buy some tablea chocolates and eat it instead of making a drink out of it, or attempt to make a batch of chocolates from scratch?

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Heartburn!