What's on your mind right now?

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*hugs virtually*

Oww, what did I do to deserve that?

They can't log in.
No - because they can't log in they don't have an account's "age" record so they can't read the Adult forum and neither, of course, Members Only.
I don't actually know. It's probably something like "Your account has been banned", possibly with the "Reason shown to the banned" also displayed (if that was provided by a moderator at ban time).
Also, like everyone else "out there" who isn't a member - apart from Adult and Members Only the entire site is read-only.
I hope your hypothetical friend is now better informed.

I hate that my brain is constantly sending me the impulse to tell people about my issues. I want to be able to talk freely and focus on being interesting and entertaining, and network like I used to.

Even for all else, I never quite hated myself until problem sharing became my primary topic of conversation.

I just want to stop being a bother, and to be able to help people again. I'd easily trade my voice for that.

Summer might've been starting soon here.

It's giving me some room settings dilemmas at 12 midnight -- too hot, I won't sleep well. Too windy, I won't sleep well. Both happens at once.

It's literally making my head itch despite bathing twice today and the sheets are newly changed.


Also eating 'enough' for my lifestyle feels like my body is eating too much.
My stomach just feels this acidic like feeling again like how I used to have issues every night for years.

But I would have to make sure if it's just the new meds, or if it's my body's "normal reaction".


The new meds?
It's supposedly increase brain blood flow.
First few days was this inconsistent switch between becoming more like ⅓rds myself (which is better than the most recent days), and then being this dead weight of an unreliable person.

Now it's virtually useless on the third day. My body just feels raw all over.
And standing up still gives me this weird (not really weird, more like 'I thought it was normal) few seconds blindness.

Despite; a. Not doing anything strenuous, b. Not hungry or thirsty.
This is not 'aging'. That's just been for years and I'm just not complaining until now. The statement "I've been working too hard"?
I meant physically. And losing a lot of my processing spaces?? I thought it was normal. People thought it was autism.

It is not.

So I get a bigger dilemma; "eat more" because 'its my active lifestyle' but go back to my stomach issues every night, or "eat less" yet it may not be sustainable with what I do on a daily basis.

Option C? Get a fricking professional and treat the nuisance they thought it's "autism".

Last edited by Edna3362 on 19 Mar 2023, 11:56 am, edited 1 time in total.

It's just my weird way of hugging

Mine is not really about the brain and the impulse to complain.

But more like the inability to ignore them, the inability to stay rational and reliable.

Not like I was able to help to begin with. I've been wrestling with THAT since age 8 or so.

But then I saw myself when I don't have those 'symptoms', where my autism wasn't a burden and 'I stop being weak and feel like working too hard'.

I complained 'too little' for reasons I couldn't elaborate yet.
Sped teacher told me to get my family involved. But I don't want to. For years I just see no point.

It doesn't help years of pent up unsaid things towards my mom because 'I was not complaining enough'.

That's tough.

Even though I usually said what I needed to when I was younger (with consideration for my ignorance at the time), I still often went unheard/ignored.

But that was mostly just because of the particular set of people around me and the inaccessibility of certain information.

Some people truly do listen.

For the likelihood that those people aren't currently around you, thankfully we have much greater access to information of all kinds, and there are ways to make things happen even if the people around us don't currently do what they should. It's just a matter of figuring it out. Usually easier said than done, of course lol, but its out there.

Half the things I relatively expressed as a 'complaint' is more of a question or a permission.

When I was really young, anytime I complain, people are not reliable enough to do it for me. No one could explain.

'It's a fact of life', 'that's normal', 'you have no excuses', 'it's too expensive', 'you misinterpret'.

Every concerning inquiry, doesn't matter how genuine, I'd either interpret it as something that would make me feel guilty for making someone worry, something very sarcastic, or an insinuation that I'm a fricking spoiled brat.

And I was at a point where I want to 'prove them wrong' by dropping dead out of negligence, and tell them to their face that 'I have no excuses'.

But no, I seem to have enough sense of preservation and pride to not let that happen. And just too tired to put up with it all.


At some point at childhood, I became this 'hyper independent' person. Except, whatever I'm attaining by intent do not happen as I would like.

Because I lack this filter, and that stoic aspect. I held a grudge for having basic needs, and barely got over that.
And I still hold this grudge over myself by having feelings at all.

That I wish I was not this irrational person and just listen and communicate, take all feedbacks as a reference and be grateful, not as a judgement or an indication that I'm wrong -- my intellect and intent can do that, but not the spoiled brat of an emotion that this person is stuck to.

The rational me would say yes, people can listen.
But this irrational me would say 'don't bother'.
I'm so so sick of the latter I want it dead.

And then I see this... 'Contrast'. And others say it's because I got 'lucid' or whatever fluke.
No. That was the real me. I want to replicate it. I want to get out of this prison of a 'deadweight person'.

Now that I'm in my late 20s now, I just want to stop 'listening' to it. I just want to stop being 'powerless' because of this 'too poor to afford' excuses and all dismissiveness and all the ignorance I'm forced to hear as a child.

I just want an Amanda to mori me in DbD so I can screenshot it and make it my icon on things. lmao

I even made my name "MoriMePig" so I can try to get one to do that. So far I've had one mori a David, and another one tunnel me and then sacrifice me instead. Dammit.

I don't want to go to work tomorrow.

I miss being a NEET.

Damn that's quite like what I experienced. I hated all the grossly inadequate responses to my inquiries for knowledge, advice or help. Between that, my ASD and my ADHD I thought I was just dumb failure. Didn't know what to do, who to ask, where to look, what to look for, or that anything was even wrong. I was made to feel like this is normal and alright.

I got a hint of a source for answers from discussing philosophy with some people in highschool, but then my mother decided it was too difficult a subject and had the school remove me from the class. That set me back YEARS.

And the spite I had after finally breaking down, when they just made things worse for me. Well I won't go into detail, but I did commit to living as long as I could, out of pride, to never lose to their stupidity.

And I know what you mean by the irrational you. It's like there are parts of your brain that are independant of the part which thinks logically, remembers and says 'I'. Parts that persist and influence but in turn aren't influenced by the self-conscious 'I'.

For me that's largely just the autonomic parts responding to trauma and screaming at me to avoid anything related, but it's also composed of a decent amount of repeated failures or otherwise negative responses causing my brain to discourage me from trying those things that it judged are liable to fail and cause me loss, again.

If it helps you any, one thing that I've been relying on that works for some things is memory extinctioning; I stay as mentally distant from a thought or memory for long enough that those autonomic responses just fade away on their own. Until recently my PTSD had locked away or protected a substantial portion of my personality and a bunch of thoughts and memories. So, I trained myself to use various techniques to avoid touching those things as much as possible, and my PTSD has been slowly letting up on things in recent years. A few months ago I even got back most of that locked-away personality. I was super happy about that.

I also try to carefully control what that personality and the ideas and thoughts are exposed to so that they only become associated with positive experiences.

I guess 'exposure' is the name of the game. Which is coincidentally another reason I hate my impulse to problem share lol. It's constantly re-exposing me to something I want to avoid, reinforcing those pathways through repetition. The only solution I can think of is to supplant that with a stronger and healthier impulse. I just don't have access to something like that right now.

Hmm I think I remember reading/watching something about doing a kind of guided meditation where you repeatedly imagine a positive experience for something you have a lot of bad responses to, and it helps to establish some good mental pathways and/or reduce the negative ones. It seems plausible to me, something with slow but steady progress if done right.

Last edited by CinderashAutomaton on 19 Mar 2023, 6:18 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Wondering how I'm going to get through the upcoming week. Feeling like my problems are way bigger than I am.

That little exchange between Isabella and Cornflake, eh?

Which one was that?
I'll check my rolodex.

Un grand poisson est disparu de ces côtes-ci, n'est-ce pas?