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cecilfienkelstien
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22 May 2020, 8:40 am

I am going to try to read today.


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Edna3362
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23 May 2020, 9:41 am

funeralxempire wrote:
Edna3362 wrote:
Should I start acting like a sociable diplomat around here? :|

I could, really. But to do so seems so damn awkward.
And how could I know that I could?? I've done it before for years, in another online space once upon a time. :oops: But it was such a burden, that there are a lot of thoughts that it's just damn foolish.

I've been torn between the two opposing forces within me -- for years. I've been betrayed by no one but myself in retrospect.


Try it, there's no reason you can't be that way sometimes and pivot back to being more reserved other times if you find it draining. Personally I find socializing can be either pleasantly overstimulating or dysphoric and overwhelming depending on how invested I am.

(Tangent, not really replying anymore...)

I know when I was younger there were a few periods where I kinda focused on improving my social skills and being 'strategically social' to help offset the problems being socially isolated cause. Actually, as I think about this more it's sad how much my mindset in social situations when I was young was basically a military mindset; I developed strategies, I pursued alliances and attempted to triangulate my way around belligerents (say make friends with the bully's gf to pressure him, and then the day they breakup or the day after proactively whoop him since she's no longer useful to pressure him and if I don't act first I need to worry about him coming after me; or make friends with as many of my bully's other victims as possible, at first with the intention of 'if any one of us is attacked, we all respond only when i realized I was the only the actually willing to use force it pivoted to, okay, i'll be the one who instigates it, you just need to lend moral support and make sure i get away'

It's also funny how I would just keep sucking it up when I perceived myself as the only victim, but knowing other even less willing combatants were also getting the same treatment would basically make me flip into approaching the situation as an aggressor and basically go from mostly trying to make it stop to proactively using initiating use of force not as a fight, but more like correction or punishment that ended once the opponent was no longer capable of actively defending themselves. The goal was never fair the goal was my will imposed with no room for negotiation and with an understanding that any response whatsoever would invite an exponential response, not a proportional one.

And then I hit adulthood and all of a sudden the primary context I understood socializing in didn't apply anymore and I've been stunted, warped and off-balance ever since. My failure to understand how other people's socializing worked basically made my childhood experience much harsher than it needed to be and in hindsight almost seems like fictional boarding school or prison experiences more than most of my peers school experiences.

While I can't insist no one has ever tried to help me, no one has ever understood how to help me, including myself, so few people have succeeded in helping me and since no one has succeeded i've largely grown discouraged from even asking for help. At this point I'm not even sure what help could be, since I don't know how to make things good let alone better. If I'm the result of the best swimmer in the batch, wtf dad? My life has been defined by wasting time and procrastinating, why couldn't I have procrastinated a little more before my first swim and let my parents had a kid that wouldn't be a constant source of disappointment and spared myself the hassle and mistake of surviving until adulthood.

As a child, I never focus on social skills.

I was too emotionally preoccupied with every sensation and every emotion that all I do is react to it, barely had a time to ever mind manners.
Which frustrates myself and everyone to no end, I just want to be in control of myself but there's something important I lack to make myself obey to myself.
I barely gain said important ingredient, only to find it doesn't stay in one place at the time.

In which frustrates me even more. So I have to be preoccupied with knowing who I'm as opposed to what my body could do on that day or time. :skull: Thus my frustration about being 'human'.
Can't you imagine having an inconsistent ability to express self because of it? That half of your experience seems 'impossible' or outright irrelevant -- but you know and everyone knew otherwise.

My imbalance lies somewhere between something fundamental and in hypersensitivity to countless unknown factors.
I could just wake up with advanced social skills, high levels of self control and several levels of emotional maturity that I don't ever remember regaining nor ever performed my whole life consistent throughout the day or a week until I simply can't do it again -- but I'm still myself.

As for everything? I wasn't mistreated. My life is far from harsh. Limited means of access and resources, yet has the forgiveness and inclusion that some people would miss out on life.
I cannot blame the world, I cannot condemn my parents' ignorance. At least they figured some things about myself.

And therefore my central theme is... Myself.
Not in ways a narcissistic sees things -- a huge part of myself had long moved on from the role of victims and perpetrators, haves and not haves, and hell superiority and inferiority.
The theme is myself because I want to change, I want to be in control of it, and I want it the least of my worries.

But if one wanted those contrasting roles, then I see myself more of a perpetrator than a victim. In haves and not haves, I've realized it's a matter of sentiment and priority.
In superiority and inferiority, I had been in either/both points, only to find that this internal chaos made it pointless.

I have no real social mindset -- it's either on a whim or that I have to.
I choose not to mask, because for some reason I already hate the idea before it conceives in my mind. As a child and teenager, I'd be the type who doesn't hide behind anyone or run from a bully -- I'd be the type who would yell back, run over and punch back on broad daylight.


So I spent on damage control -- of myself, by myself.
I'm not worried about being an aggressor myself, I'm more worried about what said aggressor would end up doing.
I still am. Who knows? It could be something unholy that I might be worse than I appear to be and I'm just holding it back the whole time.


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Mountain Goat
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23 May 2020, 9:48 am

Worms. Nephew has worms. Just been playing with him on his games system.


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cecilfienkelstien
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24 May 2020, 9:57 am

I am planning on eating a great dinner tonight.


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Edna3362
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24 May 2020, 10:48 am

There's not much to do.

Maybe except prepare myself.


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cecilfienkelstien
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24 May 2020, 2:10 pm

I am going to start cooking dinner in an hour.


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24 May 2020, 8:58 pm

I popped a pimple on the back of my left ear lobe today. The contents were a beautiful pea green.


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cecilfienkelstien
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25 May 2020, 9:52 am

Anxiety.


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cecilfienkelstien
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25 May 2020, 10:23 am

Lots to do today


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cecilfienkelstien
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26 May 2020, 8:38 am

Lunch will be good.


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Edna3362
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26 May 2020, 8:44 am

I don't like it when my body starts messing my mental faculties over a natural cycle. :( Something's just not right whenever it happens.


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cecilfienkelstien
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27 May 2020, 9:01 am

I don't know what to eat today.


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auntblabby
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27 May 2020, 9:07 am

^^^why not a pizza hut xtra large stuffed crust number with the works? :chef:



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27 May 2020, 12:33 pm

America's return to space will happen at 11 AM Pacific Standard Time.


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27 May 2020, 9:39 pm

vashon food bank has some of the biggest oranges i have ever seen. just got a big ol' bag of food for free.


why did i just now
discover them?


also i have finished my masterpiece.

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ripaodonet el sevwnmaie margot cathakatti ramonadis mountbatten von-allen vahininniçoora draganata el hanow - 35 fiona 3505


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traven
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28 May 2020, 2:18 am

pete agoras
the man with the ruler, where did 'new age' start?
those who imperatively need to keep a clean froc
to save their soul

square pete? in his clean pants?
there gonna be no dirt sticking on p
8O :mrgreen: :nerdy: :nerdy:


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