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I have a doctors appointment this afternoon.

I am going for an interview for a job today. So excited and nervous. I am hoping my anxiety won't kick in. I keep telling myself 'I can do this!'

I haven't had a job for ten years due to mental health and undiagnosed autism, except for a six-month stint six years ago. I have always struggled with the impact of working and having a lifelong mental disorder. I feel like I have come a long way to healing and working on my resilience. It is a part time position as I want to see how I go but yeah, I'm feeling pretty proud of myself, lol.

As for me, I'm a sore little Sweet Pea.

Why I'm excited about societal collapse is not because of stupid ideology or the idea of how people should change the way they live.

I could care less which ideology would win.

Unless being bored, annoyed, and frustrated with myself is an ideology by itself...
Which can be solved by either gaining real executive functioning, being rich or suddenly being an opportunist without a conscience my whole life...

That's the only motivation I have, really. It cannot get any pettier.

Nothing philosophical, political, ethical.
However, any of these can align with what I may want.

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Picking up some supplies at the store today.

I’m pretty sure I require an Egg McMuffin.

The last time America had a smart president was in 1960.

Maybe this year won't be my happiest of birthdays.
Because...

I have things to let go than to gain.
I'm committing myself to many changes this year, especially after my birthdate.

Most of my birthdays usually meant gaining something.
But not this year.

It's like a promise to myself. A condition.
If I fail, if I succeed. Why? I want something badly enough.


I don't feel like I'm looking forward to it. Not because of aging. But because I'm frustrated.

It doesn't feel like a lucky month like I usually refer it as.
Or perhaps it's just stupid hormones. I'd like to change that.

I just don't feel like wanting something out of the day...
Except getting out of this existence, getting out of this body, getting out of this circumstances if that's so easy.

For so long I've been clinging to an ideal that I want to strive as I live this life...
Nothing is working. If it works, it's taking too long. Not months -- years. It's not sustainable.

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School is in session!

Overwhelming Urge of the Day:

Swimming in an indoor pool, followed by a hot tub or sauna.

Going out with my worker.

I love my new hiking boots.

My mom did not throw a hissy fit today!

I had a socially exhausting day