I can't say I wasn't at fault for most of the things that you have posted. It's hard to put into words any reasoning why I did what I did. I constantly think about you, the good and bad. There were periods where I was mad at you and really didn't want to argue or yell at you, even though realistically everyone is going to have disagreements. Many of the times you did blow up on me were warranted as I can be oblivious whether I'm pushing your buttons, that scares me; that's excluding the point where we both started talking behind each others back. It can be difficult for me to understand you, I can be a smartass yes, but when you drop vague hints I tend to second guess whether I'm seeing the whole picture or if I'm making a wrongful assumption. I regret doing and saying several things. I regret losing it that one night and then you still protected me from myself after you felt I betrayed you. I couldn't ever thank you enough and maybe I feel we should of went NC at that very moment. Alot of unnecessary things happened when we first met that I feel really made my behavior go into a downward spiral. You already had everyone breathing down your neck before I was in the picture, so when everyone started seeing us together I felt I was already weighing perceived notions people were already saying versus the time I got getting to know you personally. When my name started dropping I wasn't assertive trying to dispel alot of the rumors going around, I was close to being mute. After two years of isolation I turned into a people pleaser and was stupid and naive and trusted anyone. Words aren't enough to explain how wrong I was, I know how much I hurt you, it wasn't intentional I'm a mess. I should of been more supportive and not let my depression allow me to become so self absorbed. I worry about you too, the rare occasions I did try to talk to you would shrug it off, just like I would. Just when I get the notion that you're over me you're still here or there, either writing about me or cheering me up somehow. That's hard to walk away from, in retrospect I stressed over my past when I should of been content that one of the most beautiful individuals I've ever met has gone to hell and back for me. I want to be a better person, instead of getting upset when you tell me off I need to keep my mouth shut and listen for once. You want me to tell you I love you, what if I feel like I'll never be the person that deserves yours. You're not perfect -no one is, but the more I get to know different aspects of your personality the more you grow on me, even your demeanor when we argue. Yes, I'm in love with you. I need you. If we were to talk again, thing's will have to change; that's what I want. I miss being in your life, I want both of us to feel comfortable being close again. I love you.
26 Sep 2015, 4:36 am
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