Stupid, Stupid, Stupid, Funny, Sadistic, Stupid Jokes

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How do you make a dog meow?
Put it in the freezer overnight, then run it through a bandsaw - MEEEOW!

How do you make a cat woof?
Pour petrol over it, then light it on fire - WOOF!

When I was a kid my best friend played this prank on me where she told me to say "pea soup" after everything she said.

"What did you have for breakfast?"
"Pea soup."
"What did you eat for lunch?"
"Pea soup."
"What did you eat for supper?"
"Pea soup"
"What did you do all night?"
"......."

Now wouldn't you think I'd be smart enough to know that anything with the word "pea" in it would not end well?

http://www.kappit.com/img/pics/201605_1243_chfbf_sm.jpg

http://i2.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/fac ... 46/4db.jpg

There's also the variant on "interrupting cow" - "interruipting starfish," and instead of mooing, you put your hand on the person's face.

I once read an old joke about a little kid in a candy store, where some older kids tells him "we've got a great big nickel and a measly little dime. Which do you want?" the little boy picks the nickel, and the other kids snicker and leave. And then the next they're in the store they play the same trick on again. In fact, the older boys play the same trick on the little boy several times for about a week in the store, and each time always picked the nickel, and the other kids would be snickering over what a dummy he is. Finally, the kindly candy storekeeper decided he'd had enough of watching. After they're gone and the little boy comes up to buy some candy he gently explains to him that a dime is actually worth twice as much as a nickel even though it's smaller. The little boy says, "I know that it really is. But if I picked the dime, the joke would be over. But because I keep picking the nickel, I keep getting more money."

So the little kid was only pretending he was dumb, while his so-called friends were the real dummies.

Why does stepping up to use a urinal suddenly make you feel sophisticated?

Because....You're a peein'!

A political activist named Dave was just arriving in Hell, and was told he had a choice to make. He could go to Capitalist Hell or to Communist Hell.

Naturally, Dave wanted to compare the two, so he wandered over to Capitalist Hell. There outside the door was Rockerfeller, looking bored. "What's it like in there?" asked Dave.

"Well," he replied , "In Capitalist Hell, they flay you alive, boil you in oil, chain you to a rock and let a vulture tear your liver out, and cut you up into small pieces with sharp knives."

"That's terrible!!" gasped Dave. "I'm going to check out Communist Hell!" He went over to Communist Hell, where he discovered a huge line of people waiting to get in; the line circled around the lobby seven times before receding off into the horizon. Dave pushed his way through to the head of the line, where he found Karl Marx busily signing people in. Dave asked Karl what Communist Hell was like.

"In Communist Hell," said Marx impatiently, "they flay you alive, boil you in oil, chain you to a rock and let vultures tear out your liver, and cut you up into small pieces with sharp knives."

"But ... but that's the same as Capitalist Hell!" protested Dave.

"True," sighed Marx, "but sometimes we don't have oil, sometimes we don't have knives ..."

these golfers were in a hurry to finish and eat lunch, so they played through by taking a shortcut through a farmer's field, and the farmer caught them trampling over some of his veggies, but he was a good sport, and he invited the hungry golfers in for lunch. they had quite a meal, in which the farmer served the golfers some "mashie" potatoes.
ok, it was a lousy one but don't blame me, i remember hearing it as a child on "Rocky and Bullwinkle."
here is a slightly better one-
a hapless soviet era bureaucrat [let's call him vlad] dies and goes to meet the devil, who is a typical gray soviet bureaucrat such as his former boss in the previous lifetime. the bureaucratic devil tells the man he has a choice of a capitalist hell and a communist hell. vlad asks the devil, "well, what's the difference?" the devil tells vlad, "in the capitalist hell, a nail will be driven into your butt every day of the month! that will not happen in the communist hell." vlad blanches and say, "that's NOT for me! give me the communist hell!" the devil says, as he is leaving, "very well.... however, I neglected to mention to you, that although you won't get a nail in the butt every day, on the last day of the month, all 30 nails will be driven into your butt!"

How do you drive a bunch of impatient aspies CRAZY?

^

It's a "gotcha".

Kinda like the old "made ya look" routine on the Smothers Brothers - "made ya ask".

ah so thank you for clearing that up for me CBS stations were not receivable in my neck of the woods growing up, so I missed the smothers brothers on their first run. they had a brief turn on NBC back in the mid-70s, but it was not the same type of program.

Never knew about the Smothers Brothers routine.

I got it from some junior high, or high school schoolmate in the early seventies era when Pollock jokes were in.

He asked me "how do your drive an impatient Pollock crazy?

And I kept saying "Well..howdya do it?....Whats the answer?" while he just stood there smirking. Then I realized that I swallowed it hook line and sinker.