The Worst Jokes Ever Thread

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Two sausages under the grill. One says "bloody hell, it's hot in here!" The other says "Aaaargh! It's a talking sausage!"

Two ducks swimming. One says "quack quack" the other says "I was just about to say that".

@ DerStadtschutz: C'mon, really? I asked for it to be kept clean.

whatever

How can you spot a duck?

It has a beaver tail.

Why is the universe here?

Where else would it be?

Buffy: 1
Edward: 0



Sylkat.

Love the attitude. Thank you for playing.

Not funny to me... I actually had a bumble bee buzzing around a towel when i got out of the shower one time a couple of years ago and I have no idea how it got in the house and into my bathroom. I didn't get stung, but once I saw it, i freaked out and took a shoe to the towel to kill the bee.

Bad pickup lines:

"if your left right leg is Thanksgiving and your left leg was Christmas..."

Last edited by aspiemike on 02 Dec 2012, 1:43 pm, edited 1 time in total.

oops. My bad

A skelleton walks into a bar, and orders a beer and a mop.

Most people I've told this to sturggle to get it staright away.

Oh, I am good at this!

Once upon a time, some Friars came into the peaceful kingdom and set up a florist business. Soon people started disappearing and everyone suspected the Friars. But when the constable went to question them, he disappeared. Then the Sheriff tried to arrest them and he disappeared. Finally the townspeople begged the local Blacksmith named Hugh to go and drive out the Friars. Hugh was very strong and did indeed drive the Friars out never to return.

And the moral of the story is... Hugh and only Hugh can prevent Florist Friars.

Dear ToySoldier,
That has earned you a massive sigh.

And possible raised eyebrows.

Sylkat

I have this strange curse. Really bad jokes are only ones I can ever remember.

Have you heard about the new corduroy pillowcases? They're making headlines!

...

An Aspies walks into his psychiatrist's office. "Doc," he says, "I keep having these alternately recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee, then I'm a wigwam, then I'm a teepee, and then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?"

The doctor replied, "It's very simple. You're two tents."

...

In Washington D.C., helicopters are often used to monitor the traffic conditions. Frequently jammed is the Francis Scott Key bridge, named after the man who wrote the national anthem. The bridge's traffic problem is notorious; among some, it's known as the Car Strangled Spanner.

...

A hungry African lion came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.

...

We've all heard the story of Daniel and The Lion's Den, right? Daniel gets thrown into the lion's den for defying the King's orders. The next day, the King looked into the lion's den and saw Daniel sitting there praying to the Lord and davening, with the lions ignoring him all around. So the King has Daniel brought out from the lions' den and pardons him for his crimes. And what was the King's reasoning, you might ask?

"Daniel is obviously a good man", he said. "Because even a lion knows that it is hard to keep a good man down."

...

A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew the doctor's habit and would always have a drink waiting. But one day the bartender ran out of hazelnut extract, so he substituted hickory nuts. When the doctor arrived, he took a sip and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!"

"No, I'm sorry," the bartender replied. "It's a hickory daiquiri, doc!"

...

There's a small German town near Munich called Pfilzerplatz, and the town is renowned for producing fine stationery. Anyway, Munich had a problem -- the thousands of stray dogs in the city were breeding with one another and overrunning the city. So the people of Munich banded together and ran the dogs out of the city. Unfortunately, the dogs appeared in Pfilzerplatz. The dogs took over everything, and the mayor decided to evacuate the town. The paper mills were shut down, and everyone left.

But a couple days later, the townsfolk, watching their town from the hills, saw smoke rising from the smokestacks. They knew no humans were left in the town, so they concluded that the dogs had learned to operate the factories.

The mayor hurried to Munich's town hall and pleaded, "You've got to help us! The mills are alive with the hounds of Munich!"

...

Marge, Tina, and Cindy had made plans to attend the premiere of Madonna's film Evita. All three looked forward to the event, but at the last minute an unforeseen emergency at work prevented Cindy from going with them. Feeling bad for Cindy's sake, the other two sniffled and wept. But Cindy consoled them: "Don't cry for me, Marge and Tina."

...

Mahatma Gandhi was a peculiar person. He walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his feet became quite thick and hard. He often went on hunger strikes, and even when he wasn't on a hunger strike, he did not eat much and became quite thin and frail. He also was a very spiritual person. Finally, because he didn't eat much and when he did his diet was peculiar, he developed very bad breath. He became known as a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

...

FAIL!

You were on a perfect gag roll until that last one too. The last one's either very punny, or my sense of humor has gone completely down the tubes.

My mom told me this when I was 11, so it can't be that bad:

What's the difference between a grocery store cat and a hardware store cat?
A grocery store cat sits on the beans and peas and a hardware store cat sits on the nuts and screws.